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complicated??? oh crap i don't know what to think or do

So my dh considers his step dad his father bcause he's been there his whole life and his bio dad left him when he was little and never really wanted him. Sowhen we met he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with him. cool, no problem w/me.

he has tons of bro's and sis's from his bio dad, and lo and behold, one of them emailed him the other day saying she's been looking for him for 5yrs and is excited she finally found him. So DH is happy, even sent her a pic of our family. ok, no biggy he sent the pic, i don't care.

complicated part: he's excited about her finding him, but i'm not entirely sure on it. more than likely he'll want to meet them, and i'm not sure how that will go. according to her profile (which she gave him) his dad is still in her life and i don't want to see old stuff pop up and him possibly get hurt again. should i bring it up to him or should i let him figure things out on his own? continued below

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:11 AM on Oct. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I mean i am his wife and i'm fully behind him 100% on his decision but shouldn't i be there to help him make that decision? He's currently deployed right now so i'm dealing with deployment, and now this, and when he gets back for vacation he may want to see them, they're only a few hours away from our family (both our families are in the same state and of course he wants to see them when he gets back so that's where we're headed)....he has a few months to think this over before he finally gets back but i really don't know what to expect or do...i'm at a loss.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:14 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • I think you need to be supportive for now but keep your eyes and ears open. Family is very important...and if he has a chance at having a relationship with a sibling, I think its worth the possible heartache that could come from it. On the other hand, he may need you to watch for anything isn't always on the up and up and when you're in the middle of it, its hard to be objective. Good Luck.

    Answer by ANGIE409 at 12:16 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • He needs to go thru this on his own.

    Answer by Vero0724 at 12:17 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • Well I will try to help as much as I can from my POV.
    I have 3 siblings from my dad that I had not seen since I was 2 years old, I am now 23. My mom has three boys that I grew up with and have always been my brothers. My dad was not their bio dad but in their eyes he was their only dad.
    Anyway I recently began talking to my dad's oldest son again and for whatever reason my mom is completely against this but my dh has backed me all the way. It has been awkward at times because his mother is 10000000% at fault as to why we don't know each other and as to why I will prolly never know or speak to my sister again.
    My best advice to you is to stand behind your husband. Knowing you have family that wants to know you but having someone stand in your way is awful. Painful to say the least. I just suggest that dh makes it clear to his sister that he still lacks any desire to know bio dad and that she should respect those wishes. cont.

    Answer by kfroz0415 at 12:18 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • As long as those are still his wishes. Do your best to be supportive without trying to influence his actions or decisions because ultimately this needs to be done as he wants to do it. In the end if something goes wrong you need to be completely innocent of any influence because then he will be able to lean on you and not harbor even the slightest hint of resentment for the situation.

    Anyway as a PP said keep your eyes and ears open for anything shady but try to enjoy this as you go. Besides I sure if you have nieces/nephews you would want to be a part of their lives too, right? I know my oldest brother was always bothered that he had never met my son, but now they have a blast together. Good luck to you and your dh!

    Answer by kfroz0415 at 12:22 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • kfroz0415 - I read an re-read your post, but couldn't figure it out. You have 3 sibs from Dad that you haven't seen since you were 2? But you have 3 brothers from Mom that you grew up with and your Dad wasn't their bio Dad but you that's all they knew? But you hadn't seen him aince you were 2? I am just curious and confused, can you clarify? THanks sweetie!

    Answer by emnasmom at 4:02 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • ok but should i express to him how i feel about this? or should i just keep it to myself?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:30 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • emnasmom- Sorry I haven't seen my dad's kids my dad has always been around.

    OP- Sorry but no, keep your opinions to yourself until you really feel something shady is going on. UNLESS he asks you what you think of the whole situation. I know you are just worried for your dh but this is something he must decide for himself.

    Answer by kfroz0415 at 1:43 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

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