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Visit with Birth-Family

One of the visits we have with DD's BFamily is around DD's birthday. Each year it's been at a fast-food joint where DD opens the gifts they bring and then she plays in the playland while the adults talk.

We are having a birthday party for DD's next birthday and are planning on inviting members of her BFamily.

However, we aren't sure how to handle this...considering they come to the party, should this party be counted as the "birthday visit?"


Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 12:13 AM on Oct. 12, 2009 in Adoption

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This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • AKK, I must agree with Danee on this one! I know how much you respect your daughters Firstfamily, and have always admired that. If I may suggest to you???? What would you want if the shoe was reversed? I feel you will find the right answer. Do what it is you feel in your heart is the right thing, not only for you, but more so for yur will be fine! Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:27 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • That's completely up to you. If you want this to be the birthday visit let the BP know ahead of time,or you can allow them to see her one more time as before in a fast food joint so that they can relax a little more around your child.

    Answer by BooBear666 at 12:24 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • Well, if you're getting along well enough that you want to invite them to the party... then I'd say to ask them if they'd like another visit or not.

    Answer by Laura1229 at 12:38 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • It is up to you but it would be very considerate of you to let them have the oppertunity to see her 'privately' with you at the fast food place.Though she plays of course it could mean a lot to them not to just see her at a fun hectic childs party.They are lucky you are being so considerate.Ask them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • I am not sure if I understand this completely.. why does it have to be counted at all??


    Answer by Dannee at 11:50 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • Will the birth family feel comfortable around the other members of the family? Will the birth mother feel like an "outsider" at the party? Would she be treated well by your other family or feel like others are "talking" about her? Do you talk or email other times during the year or is it just once a year? If just once a year, I might consider asking her how she feels about it, and would also offer a visit another time as well. If the adults talk normally at the McD's or whatever, during the party she may miss the "updates" that she would otherwise get simply because the party will involve you running around coordinating, etc. In other words, it may not be the same quality of visit. Good luck on your decision.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:54 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • she wants it to "count" so she doesnt have to do another visit! that's pretty clear or why would she ask?

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • It doesn't have to be counted and I never said I wanted it to be counted. I was asking for opinions on what others thought. I'm up in the air on it...I have a "pro" and "con" list going that has been even enough to where I'm welcoming outside opinions.

    Some very good points were brought up and definitely leaves something to think about.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:35 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • anon:55 you are right .Her response makes it even more clear.


    Answer by Anonymous at 2:39 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • Sweets, don't pay mind to those who spew their ugliness. You have been above and beyond fair and generous to K's birthfamily and the simple fact that you want to share such a special thing as a birthday party with them shows your awesome soul.

    My vote would be that it be treated as one of the 5 annual visits. I agree that they won't get much one on one time with K but they don't get that with the birthday visit anyway, just sitting at the side lines watching her play while talking to you and S. Because of past problems you have had I would be concerned about giving too much and then being expected to continue giving that or more. Ideally you don't want to think "give an inch, take a mile" but realistically you should at least keep that in mind. You've told me about wanting to invite them to K's dance recital next year too. What happens when the parties and the recitals end?

    Playing devil's advocate.

    Answer by nanookie at 4:03 PM on Oct. 13, 2009