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My 13 year old shows no affection and is so mean and hateful to her 2 yr. old sister!

I have a 13 yr old and a 2 yr old and my 13 yr old since about age 10 has been emotionally withdrawn. She has no respect or shows no love to myself, her grandparents or her 2 yr old sister. We all show her love and get nothing from her. I have tried talking to her, but she says she doesn't know why. She has had her share of bad things happen such as she doesn't know her father who has nothing to do with her, she lost an uncle who adored her and it seems when she gets close to someone they either die or abandon her. I have felt this is why she acts this way, but it is the way that she acts to her sister that bothers me. Tonight she flat out says she doesn't hate her, but she dislikes her very much. I am beginning to get really upset by her and can not tolerate the way she acts towards much longer.

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TAMEE01

Asked by TAMEE01 at 3:52 AM on Oct. 12, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (13)
  • You can't give up on her Mama. With all that she has been through she should be in some sort of therapy. There's no shame in it at all. It will be ok. If the teenage years were easy the phase would have a nice pretty name not something called adolescence.


    It's not easy raising teenagers but you have to hang in there. Spend time with just her and try not to bring up things that upset her. She probably sees the attention that the 2 year old gets and may resent it. I know that is not your intent at all. But this is the way she sees it. Mom has not left the 2 year old and the 2 year old knows her father. AND I bet the Father wants to be a part of the little ones life. THAT is frustrating to anyone. Put her in activities that is just for her. Dance, music, sports, art, writing...anything. Just don't give up on her, she is in pain.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:08 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • She needs therapy, plus family therapy to teach you how to deal with her. It's hard for a child to deal with so man losses.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:17 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • The 2 yr olds father is very active in her life and I know she is a bit upset that she doesn't have the same. I have asked her if she would like to talk to someone so she can try to get out what is bothering her and she said no, but I am really looking into getting counseling for her & us together as a family. Her little sister loves her and though sometimes she does do good it is the saying she dislikes and even hates her. She does do sports, church activities and those things. I know she is hurting and I try to get out what is hurting her and she like with getting hugs just clams up with me. I know I play a huge role in sometimes the things I say and things I do or don't do, but I would much rather her say she hate me than her sister. I also don't want the same attitude to rub off on my 2 yr old. She is very much a role model to her and she does everything she does.
    TAMEE01

    Answer by TAMEE01 at 4:23 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • She has been through so many losses not just the father abandoning her, her uncle, her grandmother, her great grandfather, and great uncle. It seems when she gets close to them they pass away. I ask her if she thinks those things have anything to do with her not being affection and rejecting love she says she doesn't know. Most of the losses began around age 7 and she has problems even today remembering those. Even at the funerals she did not shed 1 tear it is like the only emotion she has is anger and hatred. I understand why and I just wish she would be able to open up. I totally agree we need family therapy because in order for her to be able to deal I need to learn to help her deal and understand her better. All in all she is a good kid.
    TAMEE01

    Answer by TAMEE01 at 4:28 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • Do not ask her if she wants to see a therapist. Just take her to see one. Let her know you want to help see what you can do to help her feel better. I can bet you she feels just awful. It is time to just call and make the appointment for you and your daughter. Let her know it is FOR her not because of her. It is to help you better communicate with her. I mean it when I say you need to go as well. It is not just her problem Mama. If you don't go as well it may not help you, help her. Just remember that she is still a child as well. She maybe the oldest but she is still a young girl and needs you to step up and make that call AND go with her for counseling too.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:40 AM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • I would certainly be part of anything that can help her. She saw a psychologist when she was 5 and she loved it and to the day she remembers going very vividly. Sadly that psychologist passed away because I know she would be thrilled to see him again. She had to go when her father attempted to briefly come into her life after 5 years of never seeing him. He had actually recommended she not be forced to see him because as I knew and he knew he was not going to stay in her life so after maybe 1 month of seeing her 3 times maybe he stopped having anything to do with her. It was pretty bad that the judge went against his recommendations and gave him visits because that is 1 instance that caused her some issues she has today.

    I know I it must be a team effort and really want us to talk to someone on how we can get through and hopefully by this. My kids are my entire world and when they hurt I hurt 10x's as bad!
    TAMEE01

    Answer by TAMEE01 at 8:29 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • I agree that she may need therapy but from my own experience she might be resentful of your youngest, for having the things she didn't have. I was the same way with my sister, we are 10 years apart and we are friends now that she is 14 but there are times i still get very mad or resentful of her. I never knew my dad either and her dad has raised me the best he could but he has always done so much more for her than for myself or my brother. She may grow out of it. I went to couseling for it and honestly it made me hate my sister more. I would just explain that you understand how she feels but her father is the one who decided he didn't want to be there not you and she shouldn't take it out on her baby sister. I'm not really sure of what else you can do besides give it time. I just thougt i'd share this with you since it sounds like what i went through. GL
    jnsdrf

    Answer by jnsdrf at 9:05 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • She really needs to go to counseling. My son went through 4 close relatives dieing when he was 7-9 the last one was his cousin who was more like his best friend and they were only 3 weeks apart in age so he totally clamed up. Anyway as much as it hurt me to admit I couldn't help my baby alone the psychologist was the best thing for him at the time. Try to find someone who specializes in adolecents and tell her that she needs someone outside the family to talk to. DS was 9 wen he went and came right out and told me that he was glad to have someone to talk to who wasn't as sad about the losses as he was.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 10:55 PM on Oct. 12, 2009

  • It begins with adolescence and sticks around through the teen years. It's normal. I can't imagine too many 13 yr olds showing affection to anyone. It's not cool to do that at that age. I wouldn't push the 2 yr old on her. I'm sure there was a time in there she felt replaced by the new child so sibling rivalry is normal as well. Just let her work out her own issues. If you need something to read to help understand try reading the book Finding Ophelia. I wrote my Master's Thesis on how kids change during this age period and this book was a great help in understanding.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:41 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • Although it is not an excuse to be cruel to a baby...it sounds like she has some sort of depression problem. She should recieve counseling and if it is becoming a family problem then go to family counseling. It is probably not something you guys are doing (i believe you that you give her love).
    amber710

    Answer by amber710 at 4:33 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

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