Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Some costructive criticism on my dd poem please

My 11 year old daughter wants to become a writer and she asked me to edit her poem but since I am not much of a poet I was wondering if you ladies could also offe some opinions and houghyful commnets on how she coul improve her writing

He gazes into the blue horizon
Observing with a skeptical gaze
The puffs of cotton interuppts the calm blue ocean
The golden glow blinds his sight
The peaceful afternoon shattered by a moms crying baby
And  he is soon reminded of his work
And he leaves the ocean of blue
But he will return as the gold drips into the sky
An he will observe with a skeptical eye
The world of the lord.

Answer Question
 
shespeaksloud

Asked by shespeaksloud at 1:00 AM on Oct. 13, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Sorry about the typos I'm on my iPod tiny keyboard
    shespeaksloud

    Answer by shespeaksloud at 1:02 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • It is pretty interesting. I want to ask her, why if he is so pleased and at peace with the world, despite the baby's cry, why is he skeptical looking out at God's world?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:06 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • She says "you know mom not every thing is perfect in anyoness life! hEs trying to understand why some things can be so prefer while others seem to all apart" my child the philosopher lol
    shespeaksloud

    Answer by shespeaksloud at 1:15 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • thats really good! she must be "older" than her age if you know what i mean.
    jessil83

    Answer by jessil83 at 1:20 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • I like it
    looovemybabies

    Answer by looovemybabies at 2:16 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • Wow that is pretty profound. :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:18 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • I really like it. She is a talented young lady, keep encouraging that. Get her some nice journal type notebooks so she can keep her poems in them.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 2:56 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • I like it too and just do all you can to encourage her. You don't have to be poet yourself and it does not look like she needs an editor! I agree to get her some nice notebooks to start a "portfolio" so to speak. Maybe you could check into creative writing workshops or get library books on the subject just to keep her inspired... also if she also likes art, illustrations to go along w/them etc. Anything to keep her encouraged and inspired. Good for you for wanting to do so!
    momrocks1000

    Answer by momrocks1000 at 3:11 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • Here is how we would discuss this poem in my writing class:

    The repetition of the colors blue and gold are good indicators of emotion. What emotions do we associate with the colors blue and gold? Are there other ways to add more emotion to these colorful descriptions? (this is a lead-in to the discussion of color archetypes)

    The actions of the subject (he) include gazing, observing. The words "skeptical eye" reinforcing this theme of looking and watching. What does the act of "seeing" mean for him? How would his experience be different through taste, smell, or touch? Can more imagery be added to intensify this experience of "seeing"?

    Tell her that the most famous poets revise 100s of times! It's okay to change things and expand things or cut things out all together!

    She has a good sense of the poetic intent. Get her reading good poems! She's brilliant!
    ecodani

    Answer by ecodani at 4:58 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • Duke University holds a camp for young writers in the summer. It's a fabulous program with some very top-name authors teaching. It's called Duke Young Writer's Camp.
    ecodani

    Answer by ecodani at 5:02 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN