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Anyone had a cheating spouse that you stayed with, would like your thoughts?

My husb cheated & it's been nearly 4yrs now.I don't know if he still is or not. I don't trust him, I still find myself checking his cell, his e-mail, well the e-mail I know about anyway, wondering if he's where he say's he is etc. Sometimes, most of the time, I think I don't even care anymore.Sometimes I think I wish I could catch him again so I'd have an excuse to leave.Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to stay. Financially, I'm afraid I can't support my son the way I'd like to if I were on my own. And since we have a son together that just adds to the confusion, I love my son very much and don't want to hurt him. I've had many chances to "pay him back" but can't bring myself to do it. It's so dep.....like I cant allow myself to leave it in past& get close to him even after 4yrs. Idon't want my son to think the way his dad & I are together are the way it's suppose to be.We don't talk , we're not close at all.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:04 AM on Oct. 13, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • It sounds like you either need to move on and get a cousilor or you need to leave. You need to take some action as they way you are living is not healthy. Even if you leave, you may want to go to a consilor as this is an unresolved issue.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 11:12 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • My husband cheated in the very beginning of our marriage. I forgave him, but have made it clear that that was his only shot. If he does it again, I will leave.

    It's been over 5 years and I can honestly say that I trust him 95%. There's still a part of me that wonders on occasion, but for the most part, I do trust him.

    To be completely honest, it sounds like you didn't keep your end of the deal. You forgave him, so you are supposed to forgive. You haven't done that.

    His end of the deal is to not do it again and make everything completely open to you, his financial records, his phone, his email, etc. You NEED to be able to SEE that he isn't doing anything... at least for a while. And in seeing that, you begin to rebuild the trust.

    Your end of the deal is to actually forgive him, and let him show you that he's not going to do it again.

    (continued... stupid character limit)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • (continued)

    I would strongly suggest counseling for the two of you. You're trying to rebuild a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. You don't talk? Am I correct in assuming that you aren't physically intimate in any way, including sex?

    IF both of you are committed to saving the marriage, counseling will help you to learn to forgive, begin to rebuild trust, and rebuild your relationship.

    And even though it's been 4 years, it's almost as if it just happened, because you haven't made any progress at all. It's like your marriage froze at that moment and you haven't moved forward.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:18 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • So basically you respect the Other woman enough from four years ago to allow her to continue to control your life? That's exactly what you are doing. You are letting her come into your home and affect your marriage (again) and thoughts of her (or some potential other "her") are in your mind rather than thoughts of your child or your future or anything of significance. It's whatever you want. If you want to leave then you don't need an excuse. If you want to keep cheating your son out of quality time with you then continue to be obsessed with the possibility of dh cheating again. You are the master of your own fate. DH isn't ruining your relationship now, you are. Stop it or leave. You can't change the past. Let it go. She's not worth having this kind of control over your life and that of your child and marriage. Leave the past in the past. Live in the Now and appreciate it for what it brings not what MIGHT be.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:24 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • You never actually forgave him. If you did, you would let the past be the past. In my book, cheating even one time is a deal breaker, at least for me it is. I know myself, i know i will have trust issues. And i do not want to be in a relationship where i do not trust the person i was supposed to trust most. Some people never get over it. Have you tried coupled counseling? Have you voiced to him that you still struggle to trust him these days? you know, communication can really do a lot in a relationship.

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:35 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • you should get a divorce. i wouldnt stay with someone who cheated on me. your never going to get over it and you know that. you can be missing out on your soul mate by staying with him. your soul mate wouldnt cheat on you.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:35 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • I think counseling either marriage or even individual would do wonders for you! You need to find out what you want... Either forget it and forgive him, or else move on! You deserve happiness, and if you can't move past him cheating then maybe you should find happiness elsewhere. But it's been 4 years.. that's a long time!
    No use in staying in your marriage and not attempting to work on it, while you can't forget.
    Go Find Your Happiness... Figure Out What You Want.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • IMO you should leave. You aren't happy because he showed you that he didn't care at all about you or your child (if he was in the picture then) by having sex with another woman. Of course you're still hurting, he completely betrayed you and destroyed any trust you could ever hope to have in him. I realize that you're afraid for your child, but by staying you are teaching him that it is acceptable for a man to treat his wife like a door mat. That a man can go out and sleep with whomever he wants while his loving spouse is at home caring for the children and the home, patiently waiting for him to come home. Show your child and your husband how much you value yourself, how much you're worth. You are NOT worthless, you are NOT a door mat, you are a beautiful woman and you can do better. A REAL man takes care of his wife and child and keeps his dick in his pants. Good luck to you!!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 AM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • I dealt with this with my exh. caught him, he confessed and begged for forgiveness, we went to counseling and so on. Things were never the same after that. I just couldnt trust him, some thing always told me not to. He began accussing me of cheating every time I wasn't with him. Well, come to find out he cheated repeatedly through out our entire relationship. Of course I found out after I left him! Trust your instinct, God gave it to your for a reason.
    luvbnmomnwife

    Answer by luvbnmomnwife at 6:24 PM on Oct. 13, 2009

  • My opionis to leave him if you can't show him the love he wants and to love you wantyou are not doing any one any favor staying there both of you need to move on life is to short to be un happy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:21 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

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