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STBX delima...

i am white and dating a black man. and while it doesn't matter to me it matters to my STBX . any time he calls it becomes a fight about my boyfriend and how he doesn't want a black person around his kids. i don't understand how some people are so ignorant.... what should i do?

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werkinmom

Asked by werkinmom at 5:38 PM on Oct. 14, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I think it's none of his business, and he is teaching his kids racism. (what is STBX?)
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 5:51 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • Set boundaries. Next time he brings it up say, this is not something open for discussion, if you want to talk respectfully to me then we can talk, if not then I will talk to you when you have calmed down. Repeat this phrase as many times as necessary. Hang up the phone (make sure to say you are leaving and why ie this topic is off limits and he is not being respectful) when he refuses to respect your boundaries. Try this several times (it will take time to work) and after every time you talk to him keep a written record of what he is saying to you and your responses (this is very important in case he trys to screw you in court.) Also call the police and ask for their "advice" in a very calm non accusatory manner ("my ex is saying these things and I wondered how to handle this"). The police take records of every call they get so thats very good should he decide to try to go to court and say your new so is abusive.
    NightOwlMama

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 5:52 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • soon to be ex
    ourbabykins

    Answer by ourbabykins at 5:55 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • After several times of trying this technique if he still refuses to listen, then you must up the consequences ("Ex I have asked you to not speak about this to me, if you have valid concerns I am glad to hear them but this is harrasment and if you continue to harrass me I will have to call the police (jst an example).") This will work.
    NightOwlMama

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 5:56 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • I think until the divorce is final I'd be careful. He might try to cause you problems and take your children. I'm not really talking about the black/white thing but you probably shouldn't have other men around your children until the divorce is final.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:58 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • Just tell him that unless he has a valid concern about your new boyfriend (example, he is a sex offender, or has 5 drug convictions on his record, he's abused you, the kids have said he hurt them), that the topic is not up for discussion or debate. Remind him that the divorce means he has no say over who you date, just as you have no say over who he dates. If he continues, make records of it, and as someone else suggested, call the cops and find out what they think you should do. And just remember, if he tries to go to court with this, he'll just come off looking like a racist fool for saying, "I want my kids away from her b/c she's dating a black man", and it will not help him at all.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 6:01 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • Is it safe to assume your current bf is good to your kids? He honestly cares about them? If so, then your STBX (new one for me!) should be happy that the kids have a positive male role model when he is not around. Those kids are lucky to have an extra person around to love them. Try explaining that to him. Along with the whole -he's teaching them racism-, be cause that is what he is doing.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 7:00 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • Tropicalmama, while you are right about what you said, if her ex is smart at all he wont say that he hates him for the color of his skin. He will say that he sexualy molested them or some other bullshit charge. Maybe he is honest and will play fair, but I am thinking if he is that concerned with the color of this guys skin, then I am thinking his morals are probably not too great. Better to have established records and to protect herself than too end up being screwed bc she has no proof that he hates him for his skin color. Also I wouldnt give him the idea of other charges. I mean its common sense that if he has a valid concern that he should talk to you, giving him examples IMO is setting him up to come up with a reason you WILL have to listen to. This is based on my personal experiences mind you and it is jmo. It would be great if the world were honest bt most are not.
    NightOwlMama

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 9:07 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

  • I wasn't giving the examples for her to give to him; sorry, I should have clarified. I merely listed those as examples of reasons why I would think it was ok for him to come to her and complain about her boyfriend. And as for him lying, that is all too true. However, in my experiences with my ex-husband, men that are this shallow and petty usually aren't bright enough to lie. I could be wrong, I'm certainly not right all the time. :) And I did say I agreed with you that she should keep records. Heck, when my ex and I still spoke, I would print out our instant messages even if all they said was "how are the kids?" "fine." and nothing more.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:19 PM on Oct. 14, 2009

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