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How do you know if adoption impacted you?

I raised as a 5'3" brown hair/brown eyes by a 6ft blonde/blue-eyed Mom and a brother and sister who also are tall fair hair and eyes. Both my siblings had outstanding grades, entire family other than me was in Mensa. I was as unpopular as they were popular, I still feel like I never fit in and that my parents favored my siblings throughout our lives. They both went to private schools, I took the subway to public school everyday and got physically attacked at least 3 times.
I have always felt I didnt belong here and yearned for my "real parents" to come back and get me because I never really clicked


The thing is, I am not adopted.

How do you seperate what is the impact of adoption and what is simply normal life?
A non-adopted person can never know what it is like to be adopted. But an adopted person can never know what it's like not to be adopted.


 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:15 AM on Oct. 15, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (26)
  • Both my moms are "real - as in flesh and bone". Both fit the definition of mother for me although they have had different roles within my life and I've had different types of access to them.

    I don't care for the qualifier as substitute mother (but that's me) - I would bet most of us don't use qualifiers in daily conversations about our adoption relationships but it seems necessary in forums such as this so that people can follow who we are speaking about.

    The danger in focusing on the qualifiers here is that people interpret by what we use that we go around shouting that particular qualifier to the world - the truth is most of us don't and wouldn't do so because putting a qualifier on a role such as mom always suggests a decreased or increased value to that role.

    So maybe we can get back to the topic at hand instead of the tiring conversation about terminology and valuing of how to describe "moms"???
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:34 PM on Oct. 16, 2009

  • I don't know, and I have wondered this myself. I am not adopted, but there were times during my childhood that I wished I were. I don't know how you separate what is normal "life" and what is "adoption". As an amom, I am hoping that I can keep it all in perspective, and not blame every "bump" in the road on the fact that we adopted, but yet realizing that adoption will definitely impact our child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:41 AM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • You can't. Life is hard. We all have been caused "scars" along the way. We just have to look to God to heal us, help us, and make us whole again. Birth moms that are unhealed really WANT their children to be somehow lesser of a person by not being raised by them. They want to be needed, and to think that by losing them, their birth child lost a huge part of themselves and they will forever be worse off because of that. It is true that there is loss for the adoptees. However, they can overcome just like the children of divorce, abuse, disease, and those that have lost or suffered in any other way. None of us are unscathed by life. It is a beautiful, but very hard thing!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:32 AM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • "Impact" does not have to be negative.

    We are all impacted and some things (many things) that we experience good/bad/netural happen to shape our views of others and of ourselves.

    1 in 8 Americans are impacted by adoption - impacted in that somewhere in their immediate circle of family (or the family they married into), an adoption changed familial relationships - for good, for bad, and netural.

    Don't over-emphasize the impact adoption to the point that it is the root of EVERYTHING- but don't underestimate that it does impact those who have experienced it.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 11:39 AM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • You left out a lot of details that may explain why are feel so "different:" -Where is your father? Is he the father of your siblings? Was he active in your childhood? -You only talk about your mother -was there a divorce or remarriage? -Was there a change in economic circumstances that made it impossible for your mother to send you to private school? -Do you interact with your grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles? Are ANY of them similar to you in appearance, personality, intellect, talents? For anonymous above, natural mothers do not want their children to be harmed by adoption. Unfortunately (upon reunion) they are often challenged by the difficulties their children faced by being adopted.

    maybe09

    Answer by maybe09 at 12:26 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • ***Birth moms that are unhealed really WANT their children to be somehow lesser of a person by not being raised by them. ***

    Wow! We must be terrible monsters. I wasn't healed. I was in pain when I first came out of my denial. I was hurting, confused and angry. And yet the ONE THING I clung to was the belief that my son was okay. That he was living a good life. Imaging him happy, emjoying life, surrounded by family that loved him, was the one thing that kept me going.

    To learn later that his life was nothing like I believed was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There is no worse pain than that of your childs!!!

    We all have things in our life that has impacted us, good, bad and neutral. Recognizing this and understanding this is a healthy part of surviving. Adoption is something that impacts a life, regardless of the experience. It would be wrong, in my opinion, not to acknowledge this.
    bellacocco

    Answer by bellacocco at 12:34 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • ***Birth moms that are unhealed really WANT their children to be somehow lesser of a person by not being raised by them. ***

    That statement is pure and simply crap. Sorry, I tried to think of a more delicate way to put it, but, nothing else comes to mind that is any better.

    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 2:05 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • ***Birth moms that are unhealed really WANT their children to be somehow lesser of a person by not being raised by them. ***Anon 9:32am

    Maybe this was written by someone unfamiliar with adoption. Anon-Do you have any experience with adoption? Why do you think this way? Do you know of someone else who feels this way?
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:30 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • As for whether or not you know whether your issues are related to adoption or not, I think it is up to each person to decide that for themselves. Of course, no one skates through life without some difficult issues to face. The best explanation I have heard of adoption issues that adoptees face is that being adopted may add another layer of issues for them to deal with. How each of us deals with adoption is based on many factors. Our personalities and backgrounds are a few factors that affect how we deal with ANY issues that face us. Particularly in closed adoptions, all the unanswered questions can either not matter, torment someone or they may deny ANY effects at all until something triggers a reaction. I think there is no denying that some people blame all their issues on adoption, and others deny any effects. The truth is probably somewhere between these two extremes in most cases.



    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:24 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • As SR said that is crap .Last summer I found out my birth son is happy,well adjusted,has a good relationship with his parents and family and successful in his career.I had always wondered and hoped for the very best for him,It was a huge relief to know his life had been good.A dream come true for me.It appears that he doesn't know he is adopted so this is probably the end of the road on my part but as heartbreaking as that is for me I keep the knowledge of his happiness close to my heart, it out weighs my heartbreak.You are clueless anom 9:32

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 5:34 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

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