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how to handle MIL coming tomorrow

My MIL and I recently (about a month ago now) had an "altercation" regarding DS. I had already made plans when she decided she was coming into town. When she realized that she couldn't see DS when she thought she would, or rather when she had planned to, she got mad. She was guilting me about things that have nothing to do with me, telling me how I was keeping him from her, how she didn't like being delegated when she could or could not see DS, how it was FIL's only bio grandson, yada yada and so on. I was very respectful, however difficult it was, and stood my ground of how we already had plans. I offered EVERYTHING under the sun other than cancelling to accomodate her schedule she'd made to see MY son. So....she's coming tomorrow to get him for the morning, expecting her about 9ish, nothing comfirmed yet....of course...and I'd like him back around 1pm. He's potty training and if he's out he tends to hold his pee.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:10 PM on Oct. 15, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • con't...
    I dont want him having to hold it for more than 2 hours anyways, and we've gotten him on a schedule of naps and bedtime, routines and whatnot. So, is it too much to ask to have him at 1? Do i explain all my reasons or do i say thats when i want him home and leave it at that and explain if asked. We do not get along at all and I've lost respect based on the last interaction we had. Other than her asking to see him this time, i havent spoken or seen her in the last month since. How do i handle a possible incident again??
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:13 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • Why not just tell her she needs to take him to the toilet, that he is potty training?
    He may go just fine and not hold it.
    Send her with an extra set of clothes, just in case.
    Or put him in a pull-up for that four hours.

    Be matter of fact about it so she doesn't think you're throwing up excuses to limit the time they have together.
    07upsydaisy

    Answer by 07upsydaisy at 8:16 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • I'm sure she knows about taking him to the potty. She did raise your dh and knows about kids and bladders. why is it that every new mom thinks older moms are stupid? cut her some slack and let the kid have a day with grandma
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:18 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • Just let her know his schedule. Tell her what time he should be back for his nap - then let her know that she is of course welcome to stick around while he sleeps if she wants to see him in the afternoon or that she can come back later when he wakes up again. Grandparents get so much joy out of their grandchildren, and your son is so lucky to have grandparents who love him so much. I know it's hard, but try not to let your tensions get in the way of his relationship with her.

    It sounds like she doesn't get to see him that much, try to just chill about the schedule if things don't go totally according to plan. If he gets thrown off it's not the end of the world and he'll go right back to normal the next day anyway. It's more important that he have quality time with Grandma than it is that he nap exactly when he's supposed to.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 8:31 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • i really think that if things weren't so tense then i'd have no problem with her having him longer. but he just doesnt go when he's out...and when training i'd say thats really good. the fact that she totally disrespects me as the mom irks me terribly. yes she knows about kids and bladders, i'm not saying she'd deny him the potty, but the fact that he holds it while out is why i say that. i do have a bag for him with pullups and clothes so yes its not the end of the world should he pee diaper.
    as for her not seeing him alot, she only lives 1 hour or so away. she is fully capable of coming up, she just only does it when its convenient for her. when she has to come into town. i bent over backwards to try to make her happy but because it wasn't exactly what she wanted she got upset. if she wouldnt act like a baby when she doesnt get her way, then it'd be no big deal. i do agree also that time with grandma is more.....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:41 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • important than a nap, its just the principle of it. if i want my son back at a certain time for whatever reason, then thats when they should try to get him back. if thats not long enough, nothing is keeping them from coming again, other than themselves. i realy think that if you ladies had heard the crap i was being dealt, the way i was being scolded....its really a had to be there to understand fully type thing. i want a good relationship with her, i want to be laid back about this, but because she outright disrespects me, talks to me like that, i would rather her just take him, leave, and bring him back. i dont think she's stupid, just mean. she's very mean to me.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • the more i think about it, the more i realize that i dont want to be the controlling one. I won't demand a certain time. but at the same time i will not be disrespected in my home. i wont let her complain about it being "oh so long" in that whiny complainy voice she makes, or any nasty comment. quick and painless is how i'll handle this. i just want it over with. if it comes up, i'll simply say that i did not appreciate the way i was treated and that i hope it won't happen again. then when they leave, i'll enjoy a morning to myself. i really think it took just the one more time of going over the situation to realize that i was becoming the control freak parent i did NOT want to be. thanks for reading. :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:36 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • I don't know if you will read this but I compleatly understand the mil from hell. Stick to your guns I don't know why they think they get to controll everything.
    mommix4

    Answer by mommix4 at 10:02 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • I feel it was presumptuous  of her to think that you and DS would be available at her whim! She should have called prior to her visit to make sure you didn't have plans. It may not feel like it right now, but standing your ground earns her respect for you as a woman and as the mother of her grandchild. And it is your right to delegate visitation with YOUR child to anyone you choose. If she brings the situation up, don't apologize. Explain that you can't cancel previously made plans for last minute, unexpected visits. I know I may seem harsh, but as a doormat with my first born I've gotten thicker skin and tougher with #2...

    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 11:07 PM on Oct. 15, 2009

  • It sounds like the only reason you refused to change your plans was to annoy her. To make sure she knows you are in charge. A grandparent having to ask to see her grandchild is terrible. Especially one who has to travel to you to see him. Tell her his schedule and that he is potty training. Ask her to make sure she takes him for bathroom checks. Or simply put pullups on him. One day isn't going to upset all that he's accomplished. You need to put your need to be in control in check and let her have a relationship with her grandson. This isn't about you and her. It's about her and him.
    Chrissy629

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 9:59 AM on Oct. 16, 2009

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