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Should we tell her?

When my boyfriend and I first found out I was pregnant with our daughter we were seriously considering giving her up for adoption, and had planned on it til about 6 months into the pregnancy. We had gotten to the point that we were about to start interviewing potential adoptive couples when I realized that I wasnt going to be able to give her up, and we made the decision to keep her. Now we are wondering if we should tell her this when she gets older, or just keep it to ourselves. My fear is that if we dont tell her and she finds out on her own somehow that she will be hurt. Anyone been through this, or even if you haven't, have any advice?

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Oct. 17, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (23)
  • I too thought about adoption and realized I couldn't do it...I would never tell my daughter---

    Answer by bumblebeestingu at 3:29 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • I wouldn't. If on the off chance it comes up, just tell her that you considered it because you weren't married at the time, but you decided that you loved her too much to give her up.

    Answer by toriandgrace at 3:30 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • my huspand has a now 17 yr old and when he was young with his sons mom her parents were trying to make her give the kid up but hubby stoped that(his kids mom was going to agree to it) when that boy got older my hubby told him the truth and the mother was pissed about it. i would tell ur child when they get into there teen years

    Answer by angelairelan at 3:48 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • I agree with toriandgrace, I would NOT tell her. There is a whole lot of difference between adopted and almost adopted.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:49 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • angelairelan, just curious why he would tell his son that. Is it because he and the son's mom were fighting? So that his mother's family could look bad in his eyes? Not bashing, just wondering what his logic was.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:51 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • This is OP. The main reason we were planning on giving her up was my bf is a truck driver and was on 48 state at the time, he was only home once every 6 weeks or so and wasnt getting very many miles and therefore not making much. Then he got transfered onto a local accout and is able to be home alot more, plus gets regular miles, so we are alot more stable financially. She is only 3 months old now so we obviously wouldnt be telling her anything for awhile anyway. The reason I ask is I have had multiple people ask me "now aren't you glad you kept her?" with her right there. I know shes too young to understand that now, but she wont always be and I dont know if we should just tell her ourselves when shes old enough so we dont have to worry about finding out like that from someone else

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:14 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • when those people say that to you say "yes, and in the future please make sure not to say that in front of her again, thank you"

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • Yes, you need it tell her. Especially if there's even a .0002% chance someone could tell her. But I doubt you'll need to bring it up soon... maybe in 7+ years.

    Answer by DaphneMae at 5:16 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • This is a tough situation - especially since there are people already bringing it up who knew what you were considering. I think that you need to know that learning this (from any source) may cause confusion and bring up a need to have questions answered.

    What's important to focus on is the decision you DID make - to parent her. This needs to be what you stress with people that bring this up - and I would ask them to consider being sensitive to how this child may be affected if they keep bringing up what DIDN'T happen.

    It's like choosing what to focus on when reunion occurs for adoptees and birth parents. Yes, the facts are the facts and there may be a need to discuss the why and how and to hear each other's fears and feelings. But, there comes a point when you aren't doing the relationships justice by only focusing on the past (in your case a past choice that you didn't end up making) and in fact can hinder growth.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 5:55 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

  • If she's only 3 months old, it sounds like "I told you so" type of people, and they won't be around long. The ones who are should realize that of course you are happy with your decision to parent, and I would be up front with them and tell them not to bring it up again, period. Like Port said, "I am focusing on my child and her future, not the past, so I'd appreciate you talking more positively around her."

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:00 PM on Oct. 17, 2009

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