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am i unreasonable? (sexually?)

ok, this may kind of long winded, so im sorry! i will try to keep it short! as a whole, my husband and i have a good relationship. we have our issues here and there, but nothing major. we have been together about 5 years and still have sex about 2-6 times a week. lately, the foreplay department has been SERIOUSLY lacking. which, in turn, is making sex not very pleasant and even painful sometimes. right now his idea of foreplay is, "so are we gonna fool around?" to which i reply, "am i going to get my back tickled?" i have fibromylagia and my back constantly hurts, i figure if i am going to have sex and not enjoy it then i at least deserve to not have my back hurt so bad. so now he is all mad at me because he says i just lay there during sex and i am acting like i find him unatractive and disgusting. that has nothing to do with it. i bring up foreplay and he says why should he take the time when i dont like sex anyway?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Oct. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • i think if your going to ask for the foreplay then atleast make him feel like you enjoy the sex. even if you dont, it doesnt give him a reason to try unless you do. i dont think your being unreasonable i just think both of you need to come to the same understanding! GL :)

    Answer by ashtynsmom730 at 10:24 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • You love him, and you want him to be happy. It seems that to do this, you'll need to behave as though you find him so attractive that sex is something you are happy to have. Don't ever let him think you are indifferent or not interested. He already expressed his concern that you don't find him desirable. For his sake, make him feel desirable. This is because you love him.

    Answer by Bmat at 10:39 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • I have arthritis and know a bit about what you are saying. They just don't understand how painful it is for us. Meanwhile they keep wanting stuff done that we could do before the pain was there. I don't think it's unreasonable to want some pleasure or at least pain relieve so you can enjoy the rest of it. I have found that if I don't show excitement about just being with SO then he won't make it good in any way. It all goes back to what I read 30 yrs ago. Great sex is 80% or more mental. Make him think he rocks in your book and I bet he gives you all that you want. It works for me even on days I don't really feel that way. I do it bc I'm not going to cheat myself out of what I am wanting from him!

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:49 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • Well, he should definately put in more effort with the foreplay if he wants you to enjoy it. Explain that to him... that if he would put some effort into that department then you wouldn't just lay there. Explain that it hurts when he doesn't give you the attention you need, and that it's normal, that most women are the same way. Tell him specifically what you need and then explain what you anticipate the results to be.

    "If you spend 15 minutes getting me worked up then I will enjoy sex much more and probably be able to ignore my back hurting until we're done."

    Then explain that you DO still find him attractive and, and you WANT to enjoy sex with him.

    It just sounds like a miscommunication.

    Good luck!

    Answer by Ati_13 at 10:55 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • but on the same token, he makes me feel very unattractive by not wanting to do any foreplay with me. i have MAJOR self esteem issues, and right now i dont feel like he finds me attractive at all, i feel like i am just a hole for him to get off with. i understand where he is coming from, but i dont feel like faking my way through some moaning when really i am gritting my teeth because having sex itself is hurting. i understand that he feels unattractive, but so do i considering he doesnt even want to take the time to look at or touch me, he just wants to plow into me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • OP, I understand that, truly I do. Have you told him that, though? That's definately something you need to communicate with him.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:03 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • Maybe you two could go to a bookstore and pick up a book or two on great sex, and learn together.
    mars and venus in the bedroom is a good one, or even mars and venus Together Forever. That one is all about communication, which is for any subject, and changed my marraige for the better. Hope it helps you.
    So sorry about your FM. I thought I had that for a long time, and it ended up just being a reaction to some meds I was taking. I hope you get help for that girl, it is horrible.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 11:52 AM on Oct. 18, 2009

  • You're in a pretty tough spot because I can somewhat see his side, and definetely yours. If he thinks taking his time is causing you more pain, then maybe that's why he's rushing?
    You need to sit down with him and explain to him in a direct but soft way what the problem is. If you don't want to talk to him about it then I s uggest you get some lube so it's just over quick with less pain. Have you considered using anything that will help with the back position like pillow in the right place for support etc?
    I've had sex when I wasn't ready physically or emotionally but now I've learned to take control and tell him what I want and need.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 12:02 PM on Oct. 18, 2009

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