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How would you answer this man?

A male friend that's old enough to be my father came up to me recently asking me for marriage advice. He says his wife won't "put out" no matter what he does. He's a self-confessed workaholic, but whenever he's home, all she does is b@*ch at him. Needless to say, that drives him back to work, and it's a never ending situation. Well, he's sexually frustrated and wanted to know what I thought of the situation as a woman. Should he cheat? Continue with the porn and masturbation?

I am at a loss here. I suggested counselling, but he said she wouldn't do it...apparently he's thought of it too.

I don't know what to tell him. He's been married to her over 20 years, but if he can't get it in his marriage, what is he supposed to do?

Any suggestions?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:39 PM on Oct. 20, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • If he is not happy in the marraige. I would tell him to divorce.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:42 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • wow well i would say tell his wife either you give it up or i will find somone who will. and what exactly is she b@*ch at him about?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:42 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • Has he talked to his wife about this?
    NicholeAT

    Answer by NicholeAT at 2:46 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • I don't think that you should be involved in this. It is really none of your business. I wouldn't feel comfortable if it were me talking about this. I wouldn't like it either if this was my husband discussing these issues with someone else.
    Jguevara

    Answer by Jguevara at 2:46 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • OP here...Jquevara, I couldn't agree with you more, but I thought I'd put it out there anyway. I asked him if he's talked to her about it, and he says she goes off on a rampage every time. I thought about his divorcing her too, but I gather that he's staying with her for financial reasons, but I could be wrong. I don't know if menopause could be her problem or what, but even if it is, it's no excuse to treat someone badly.

    As for what she b@*ches about, I gather it's how long he works. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but I have no way of knowing.

    I thought about talking to HER about it, but like Jquevara said, I'd really rather stay out of it. It DID make me uncomfortable when he brought this up, but I listened like a good friend does whether I agreed with him talking to me about it or not.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:53 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • I think he's trying to make you feel sorry for him so you'll let your guard down and he can worm his way in to your bed. Men use that line with women (very convincingly) all the time.
    I'd tell him that he needs to be asking his wife these questions... and since I'm married I'd tell him I'd ask my hubby his opinion on it too and I guarantee you he will back down quickly because your hubby or SO (If you have one) will recognize what he's trying to do.
    If this is a friend you've known a long time and trust completely, I'd tell him to talk to her, or divorce her since she's not open to councelling. My personal opinion is... male or female, if there's no medical reason that they're not able or willing to have sex with you it's likely they're having sex with someone else.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 2:55 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • he needs to just wait on the Lord and pray. You are intruding by him involving you it is much too personal, avoid him but refer him to Christian counseling he need to persever through the challenges!
    gaurdianangels

    Answer by gaurdianangels at 2:57 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • I can understand the man's frustration, but it IS between him and his wife. They are the only two that can fix their situation. Even with a therapist, it still comes down to the two of them. It's important to remember that you are only hearing one side of the story, not that I recommend withholding sex in a marriage. I'd be uncomfortable that a guy was telling me intimate details of his marriage. I KNOW my spouse wouldn't care to have a man speaking to me about such things (maybe if he were there too, but it's still strange, IMO.)

    An outside woman, hearing part of the story is not going to come up with the Magic Solution to a disfunctional, 20-year marriage (Nothing personal, but it isn't YOUR marriage). I'd guess it more likely (consciously or not) that he's looking for sympathy. Someone to tell him that he's okay...or more.
    akaren

    Answer by akaren at 3:06 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • OP here...Okay...let me throw this one at you...THIS MAN IS MY BOSS!!!

    Granted, we are more friends than employer/employee, but this still makes me uncomfortable. I can't afford to quit, but he knows I'm very happy in my marriage and would never cheat on my husband (truth to tell, I wouldn't go for him even if I were single!). I just got back to work after being hurt, and I made it plain that this experience actually STRENGTHENED my marriage as far as I was concerned. He let me know that this wasn't directed at me but that he just wanted to hear what I'd say about it.

    As far as Christian counselling, we're talking about someone here who was raised Jewish and doesn't want to hear about it. I'm also a woman of faith, and he knows it, which made the conversation that much stranger.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:09 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

  • This is NOT a conversation your BOSS should be having with you! It is 100% inappropriate. What happens if you give advice and he winds up divorcing? You could be out of a job.

    The ONLY thing you should tell him is he needs to see a counselor. On his own if his wife won't go! But that you cannot discuss this further; it puts the both of you in a bad situation.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:28 PM on Oct. 20, 2009

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