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So what are you supposed to do?

If you are a hopeful (domestic) adoptive parent, there is a good chance that you walked a long road before you got here (possibly spending alot of time/$$ on fertility treatments, maybe failed adoptions, etc). There also is a good chance that the agency you signed with wanted a lot of money up front and now are holding your life savings and controlling your chance at being a parent.

IF you come on here and realize this very large agency that you put your hopes/dreams into is the primary agency that is supporting that National Council on adoption referenced in the other posts and you question how they may speak to bmoms.
Do you honestly walk away from $30,000 and probably your only shot at adoption because you dont like that you read this?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:12 AM on Oct. 22, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (24)
  • I think someone is crazy to give $30,000 to an agency to begin with....but anyway, guess you could just turn a blind eye & keep on going. Or you could be moral...whichever

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:16 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • That is what it costs in most cases, some are higher and some are lower but most fall in that range.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:19 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • Foster care doesnt cost $30,000

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:23 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • If someone paid $30,000 to adopt my child I 'd be wondering who was getting rich cause there is no way it costs that much to do the things it takes to adopt a child.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • Foster care takes years to adopt from. Taking in a foster child is not a guarantee the child can be adopted. Facing the pain and heartache of longing for a child then fostering for years and having to give that child back is so painful.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:36 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • If it was me - I'd be asking my agent/counselor how much they discussed with the expectant mother regarding her options of parenting, what it can feel like to be a birthmother from all sides and call out the items you feel were inappropriate or not accurate to share with an expectant mom. I'd use my knowledge to educate the expectant mother on all her options this way I'd know I did what I could to help her think outside of the possible pressure from family, friends and the agency, or shear fear of her situation and the unknown.
    I don't believe you need to walk away to be moral, but you do need to do what's right and not turn a blind eye if you don't trust your agencies tactics. I don't know what its like to not be able to have children but I do know what its like to reliquish...I really wish some one had done this for me.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:21 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • So let's throw ethics aside as long as you get a baby out of the deal!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:57 AM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • For those who are curious:

    Agency: $12,500 (which we were with 2 years before we matched)
    Homestudy/clearances/licensing: $4,8000 (legal requirement, cannot adopt without)
    My attorney: $250/hr: retainer was $5k but we are close to $8,000 right now and didn’t receive final bill yet.
    Bparent attny: $250/hr x 8 hrs plus special travel fees because bdad was in jail
    Creation of profiles: approx $600
    Misc. attny fees (court fees, clerk fees, postage faxes, certified letters, confirming paternity, etc) $500
    Medical costs: $300
    1-800 phone line for 3 years.; $648.00
    TOTAL: $29,348

    The two largest expenses where legal fees ($250/hr not unusual) and the agency (and after 2 years and them presenting us about 80 times, also not too crazy). I don’t justify any of the fees but I think that if you want a domestic adoption, you kinda resign yourself to them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:10 PM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • I am fairly certain I know that agency, and I will tell you that in my opinion this agency is one of the worst at using coercive tactics that produce results, i.e. a mother relinquishes and does not change her mind. And yes, it is what they say to women and a whole host of practices aimed to convince a pregnant woman that placing her child is the "right" thing to do. If they charge as much upfront before an adoption even takes place, they obviously do not make it easy either for an adoptive parent to back out.

    Certainly I can understand that walking away from your point of view would be heartbreaking and maybe you do not need to do that. But, now that you understand better what this agency is like, you can do your utmost to take control as much as possible to insure that the expectant mom is fully informed of her rights and will not be coerced, pressured, etc. by this agency. Stand up, and make your position clear.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:43 PM on Oct. 22, 2009

  • OP here: they are my costs outlined above but my question is hypothetical, I am not with the agency that is associated with Good Mother/Birth Mother but we almost were.

    I would love to say I would throw my lifesavings and my chance at being a Mom away but I know I wouldnt..

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:31 PM on Oct. 22, 2009

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