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I understand... I do!

My MIL's uncle has Mesothelioma, and is in terrible pain because of it. She was letting me know that he might not make it to the end of the month.
I realize that it's incredibly sad to lose someone dear to you.

She just started sobbing, saying, "He said he didn't want to live. He's just ready to die."
I was telling her that I couldn't blame him, he's in terrible pain and slowly, excruciatingly wasting away. I'm really sad to hear the news. The man can't even urinate... he has a hose from his bladder to a bag and a colostomy bag as well. Wait, is that the same thing?
But anyway, she was saying that he WANTS him to live and then I felt terrible.

I should just stop talking, people accuse me of being too "logical" which maybe that's true. I tried avoiding the subject, but she keeps coming to me, which I don't mind at all... but what would you say then? Besides the typical "He'll be in a better place" etc, etc..

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:07 PM on Oct. 23, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • Just be there for her you can only do so much the rest is in God's hands maybe God is preparing his residence soon. You just be ready to comfort her sooner or later she will be ok. It is part of life.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:11 PM on Oct. 23, 2009

  • I agree with the above poster there really isn't anything you can say. The person thinks they want answers but what they want is the emotional pain to go away and we can't do that. I am sorry for your mil's uncle and your mil's pain. Just be there for her, it will be worth more than any words.

    Answer by teamquinn at 3:21 PM on Oct. 23, 2009

  • The "better place" idea is a hopeful one but really doesn't comfort a person who is faced with the loss of someone they love. The best you can do is to validate her feelings- "You must be suffering terribly when you hear him say this and see him so unhappy and ill." " This is a terrible time for you, I understand." "It's understandable that you are feeling so terribly sad." "It is so sad that he is suffering so much that he doesn't want to go on. I feel badly about this and am sorry that you also are suffering." and if you are so inclined: "Let's keep him in our prayers. And I am praying for you, too, because I can hear how you are suffering." "Call me any time you want to talk. Would you like to come over? Would you like me to come over there? What would you like me to do?"

    Answer by Bmat at 3:28 PM on Oct. 23, 2009

  • You should not stop talking. Of course she wants him to live, but I promise you, she also knows that it's not the best thing for him. My grandma's brother has lung cancer, a type that is linked to Agent Orange in Vietnam. This is after he had colon cancer, and beat it. Her other brother died of colon cancer a few years back. She admits that she knows he may not make it, and that it might be best if he doesn't, since he'll be in so much pain. But she also admits that she doesn't want him to die. He's her only family member left from her "original" family. That is probably how your mil is feeling right now - she knows death might be a relief for him, but she doesn't want to let go of what family she has. Just continue to be there for her, listen, and if you say something that upsets her, say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt or offend you. Please forgive me."

    Answer by tropicalmama at 3:57 PM on Oct. 23, 2009

  • Just be there and tell her you are sorry she is going through this and that you wish there was a way you could take away her sadness. That's all you can do. I remember once when I had just been through an ugly breakup and a co-worker said. "You seem sad. I'm sorry you are hurting." It was the only thing anyone said that helped. I was so tired of all of the well-meaning but not-so-helpful comments I was getting from everyone else.I know this is different, but loss is loss, and I think being supportive is all you can do. Don't try to convince her she is wrong for wanting him to live.

    Answer by Hazelnutkin at 5:58 PM on Oct. 23, 2009

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