Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Should he get a break when I don't?

I am a SAHM, and my DH works full time. Neither of us have much free time (when DH isn't working we work on getting our house ready to sell soon - it needs a lot of work). The housework takes up all my time that my toddler doesn't take up. We don't do a lot of socializing - we never "go out", never have people over, we just don't have time or money for it. But lately DH has been wanting to hang out with his best friend alot - wanting to go to his apartment to play video games, visit him at the casino where he works, etc. It isn't like they are going to strip clubs or anything, but it bugs me b/c I NEVER have time to do things like that for myself - I'm always stuck with DS. I guess I don't think its fair that he changes around his work schedule just to have time to watch Vikings games w/ his friend, when I get grief for asking him for an hour to shower without DS hanging on me as I do it. Is it fair, b/c he "works"?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:58 AM on Oct. 24, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • nope it's not fair but you chose to stay home right? maybe try a part time job and give him a taste of his own med???

    Answer by angevil53 at 11:00 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • It's not fair---maybe try planning time for yourself w/a friend or just time for you out of the house w/o DS---DH may not see the need in an hour for a shower (me either)...Or like the PP said try getting a part time job--helps with bills, gets you out of the house...

    Answer by bumblebeestingu at 11:04 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • OP - These first two answers seem to be missing my point. I am fine staying home - I'm not bored, not unhappy. We have a lot to do and very little time to do it, so I am just fine spending my time at home working on stuff. But my point was, I don't think its fair that I do that and DH, who wants to sell the house just as much as I do and is fine with me staying home instead of working, wants to take breaks to do stuff that I don't have the opportunity to do (and never get invited to do) while I'm at home working hard to make sure things get done on time. I don't have TIME for a part time job, let alone to go out and galivant around with friends. But I have a problem telling him he CAN'T go - I'm not controlling like that. It just doesn't seem very fair.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:12 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • Nope. It's not. So...time for a strike, mom. I suggest not doing HIS stuff so you can take some time off.

    He won't understand reasoning here. ACTIONS speak louder than words. When he runs out of socks and underwear, he'll get the picture.

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:14 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • OP - And btw, bumblebeestingu, the hour for a shower (once a week) includes shaving and doing my hair and using lotion - all the stuff I don't get the luxury of doing during the week when I have the pleasure of my two year old watching my shower. I'm lucky if I get five minutes, then.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:19 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • No, it's not fair, but you need to step up and tell him what you're saying here. If you're not saying anything to him, then, he may think it's fine with you and that's why he's doing it more often.
    Communication is the most important thing and if you're not doing that, then how does the other person know how you're feeling?

    Now, if you have talked to him about it, and he's still doing the same thing, then maybe you need to stop working on the house so much and leave it up to him until he figures out that one person can't do it all.

    Good luck to you!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:28 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • OP- I have talked to him about it. Not really recently, but I've been doing this kind of thing for two years now - staying home while he does stuff b/c I haven't been invited or can't go or whatever - and I talked to him about it months ago, told him it bugged me and hurt my feelings and all that. He stopped for awhile but started up again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:33 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • I think you are going to have to be direct with him and let him know it bothers you that he is thinking of himself and able to get away for football games- while you do not get your turn for 'me' time. Since you have not told him your feelings he might just assume that you are ok with it. One good way to do it would be get a calendar and sit down with him and pick out your day, mark it down and say "this is MY day- for me.". Then as the day gets closer remind him.
    Good luck

    Answer by MizLee at 11:38 AM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, and when you get the right answer let me know!

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 1:04 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • A SAHM's job is STILL a job, but it is a different kind of job that he needs to respect and validate. Yes your job is equally important and you deserve time away and breaks just like any other human on this planet. You need a shower just like him WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS just like him. It is not so much about the shower, it is about the fairness, right? You have needs just like him, and your relationship will break down if he is not meeting those needs. Then its worst when you have to DEMAND your needs...its BS if you ask me. Mutual respect my dear and that is exactly what I would point out to him. You only want the same things he wants....not a shower but the same treatment.
    I have been thru this with my husband and it is baby steps most days. I am learning to voice my needs more directly. Sure we SAHM's dont make money, but girl, we save alot of money for our family and your hubby needs to appreciate that. GL!

    Answer by 3gigglemonsters at 2:23 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.