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Very Hard Question About Custidy...

okay, this goes back almost 4 years. i got pregnant with my son at 17. the baby's father was living in his car cause he spent his rent money on pot. so i felt i did the right thing, and stopped talking to him and moved away. i wanted my son to grow up away from the drugs and parting. i didnt contact the father untill my son was 2 1/2 yrs old because i needed to file for child support cause DCF said i had to in order to get medicaid for my son. well, when i contacted him, he said he had changed, he wasnt doing any of that stuff anymore, bluh bluh bluh, and i belived him. long story short, we got back together for a few months, have another baby on the way, he has no job, he hit my son and bruised his arm, we had no money, and were about to lose our home, so i did what i had to do and moved back home to my mothers. now he is fighting me to see my son, but he has never paid a dime to help support him... Continue to next post....

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:45 PM on Oct. 24, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • he is not on the birth cert, but my son is his. if he cant afford to help with my son, how is he going to do it with a new baby too? i just dont know what im should do. im going to file for child support again monday, but he is just leaving me nasty messages, like he never wanted to be with me, he just wanted to be around the kids, and he dosnt have to help with them, he saids im using the kids against him cause i said he needs to help support them if he wants to see them too. am i wrong? id think in order to be a dad, you have to help with the money as well. i do not work cause im a sahm, as i have been sense my second child was born. i live with my mother right now, but i do the house hold work in order to help out here. i just need some advice.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:50 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • Whether or not a person pays child support is in no way connected to whether or not they get visitation. If the courts grant visitation, he has to legally see the kids based on the visitation decree whether or not he pays child support.

    Andrewsmom70

    Answer by Andrewsmom70 at 1:54 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • you need to take it to court, and untill then really don't have contact with one another. my boys were 4 mo when there father decided he want s to live his own life so we moved to moms i got full custody he'd have to pay support i requested that if there was visitation it would have to be suppurvised and we lived like that for almost a year he cleaned up his act and at the end of the day we just want our kids to have what we never did that is both parents in the home but if he's violent and theres nn stop fighting perhaps your each better off on your own.. good luck
    mirit.rose

    Answer by mirit.rose at 2:03 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • I would be very careful of this one. The more people that love your child and are involved in their life to help them the better. You do not want to get in trouble with the courts for alienation of a child towards their parent. Since you sound like you are having a hard time you are probably eligible for free daycare, and can go back to work. Sounds like he is not going to help you finacially until the court orders it, and then he can still not pay. I would get the free day care slots, and go back to work for my kids. It's up to you momma and all on your shoulders. Hey I wish you well and all the best for the kids. this is where I sigh, shake my head and say," Some men!"
    SEEKEROFSHELLS

    Answer by SEEKEROFSHELLS at 2:03 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • Writer----- Okay, i forgot to mention here, he has NO dna or paternity established for my son. he was not there when he was born, and has not fought for a dna test or anything.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • Unfortunately child support and visitation are two different things (speaking from a stepmom's POV). If he is a good dad for the kids (not abusive, no drug dealing, stable life) THEN you have to let him see them regardless of anything and especially if you have a court order, which I think you should get lined up. Your kids deserve to have their father in their life (speaking from a single mother house hold, didn't know my sperm donor until I was 18, and now don't speak to him because my mother was right) because that is part of their life. I would proceed with the court order and then they will help you get support from there, but they are treated as two separate beasts. If you have issues with his discipline or parenting those are things that you can pick apart in the court order, you can ask for supervised visitation.
    MamaRoberts

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 3:03 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • File for child support and if he wants visitation he can take you to court for it. As others said in the court system they are seperate, even if there is a CS order and the father never pays if there is also a visitation order you have to let him have his court ordered time or you are in contempt of the order.But if there is no custody/visitation order tell him if he wants to see the kids he needs to file for visitation.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 5:09 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • Poor kids. :(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:30 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • be very cautious about not letting them see their father. It can really turn and bite you later. Depending on your state it may not be that hard for him to get a DNA esp. if you are asking for CS. If you are going after him for CS YOU are already stating that he is father and if he agrees to pay it or the court orders him to pay it THAT ESTABLISHES HIM AS THE FATHER with PARENTAL RIGHTS. (one reason I never asked the courts to assess CS for my DD).
    If you are going for CS go for CO at the same time, would be my advice. His paying or not paying CS has nothing to do with his visitation but the court having ordered him to establishes him as a parent.
    MamiJaAyla

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 4:57 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

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