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Is my SO ashamed of me?

Or am I overreacting?

I have known his family since childhood, and have at times been close friends with a couple of his siblings (he has 8).
Over the years, we slipped apart, both of us married, had children, and wound up out of the relationship (I divorced my abusive husband, his wife decided to end their marriage, and he is pending divorce). About a year ago (after our spouses were out of the picture) we reconnected, and began seeing one another. He has been my rock through all that has happened, being stalked by my ex (he wanted to kill me), the divorce, everything... his family does not approve of me, for religious (and who knows what other) reasons. We took the plunge and moved in together, and have never been happier- but after a year, his family still does not know. It makes me wonder if he is simply playing it safe, or if he is ever going to tell them. I feel as though he is ashamed of me. I'm sick of living a lie.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:25 PM on Oct. 24, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • mabye he is waiting for the divorce to be over?
    firstimemomm603

    Answer by firstimemomm603 at 5:28 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • He's probably ashamed of the situation...living together without being married. You stated that his family has a problem with you for religious reasons. Then I'm betting they would not approve of you guys living together.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 5:35 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • OP- it is becoming a point of frustration for me, in that, i have had to cut many lines of communication with people who are connected to his family, in an effort to avoid calamity.
    for years i was very close to his little sister, and had to cancel a get together with her (she now lives out of state, and i have not seen her in years!) to avoid questions. the same with his brother- and with a lot of mutual friends. i even have to sensor my blog & FB posts... its become ridiculous. i can not freely or openly talk to anyone.

    it may be true that he wants the divorce to become final, but i am tired of the lies. i have had to flat out lie to his brother (whom i have been friends with for years...) when he started asking questions. there isn't anyone in his personal life that knows about me, and he goes to great lengths to hide "us". it just feels as though he is ashamed... i understand being careful, but this is excessive.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:39 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • It's taken over a year for his divorce and they both want it. What's up with that?
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 5:47 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • i think the idea of talking to his family about it probably stresses him out. and if that's not it, there's some reason behind it, and he should fess up. however, he's made a big boy decision and he needs to own it now. somebody will find out eventually and then not only will they react, but they'll be super pissed that he kept it from them. i suggest that he just tells them & gets it over with. it won't get easier as time goes on, so there's no point in waiting.
    nemiller

    Answer by nemiller at 5:49 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • OP (again)-

    i honestly do not know what to think. he recently purchased a house, with the intent of all of us living together (which we now do). i don't think it has anything to do with not being married, we're both quite clear on the point that we wouldn't be ready to make that leap for a long, long, long time. if ever. not after what we have experienced of marriage. and neither one of us is religious.
    the problem lies mainly with his family- they have never liked me, i've always been the black sheep.
    i am about as honest as a person comes, i have nothing else in life to offer but my integrity. i have very little education, i possess no real skills, and i am a bot of a recluse... it is tearing me apart to continue with these lies. it makes me want to cry- which is the one thing i almost never do... it never makes me feel any better.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:49 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • Gaill- his ex has been completely uncooperative. he pays for everything (willingly), and i think she is afraid that she'll lose that once the divorce is final. they have been legally separated, and not living together for almost 2 years now. about 18mos ago he filed for a decree of separate maintenance... she's put him through the waiting game, lawyers do not want to communicate. they've had two other court dates, and she bombed out of them because her attorney was not available to represent her (already in general session). this time they attorneys finally agreed on a date, which is in a few weeks... he is so frustrated at how long she has dragged it out, that he is about to pull his hair out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:53 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • You are living with a married man with children involved and you don't want to get married. I wouldn't want to tell my family about that either and I'm not religious. It may be easier or cheaper to live together but if you won't get married then you shouldn't be living together.
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 6:03 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • OP-
    so, in short, you think that his behavior is because he knows i'm not ready to get married again? (honestly, i can say that i would, if he ever reached that point, but he has been hurt so badly...) he has repeatedly expressed that what he experienced of marriage does not make him want to run out and get married again any time soon... i've also known him more than half of my life, and trust the fact that i'm not just a piece of @$$. he treats my children as though they were his own, and maintains a good relationship with my family.
    he and his ex were married more out of convenience than anything (as was the same with my marriage- we see how that worked!)... i think we both need to be sure that we want that again, after all that has happened.

    seriously looking for an opinion, any opinion- even if its one i don't like, or agree with- i need some perspective here.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:14 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

  • If you love him, you respect his wishes. If you can't stand living a lie, move out then you won't have anything to lie about.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 PM on Oct. 24, 2009

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