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I need advice. Please.

My husband and I have been together for about six years.

Lately though, he's been acting distant and gets easily annoyed with our three year old daughter. He works nights, and when he gets home he sleeps. But he sleeps ALL DAY!! I usually only sleep about 8 hours if I'm lucky. He sleeps ALL DAY!! And when our kid gets on his nerves, he closes the door to the room and pretends to be too pissed off to even give us any of his time. When I try and talk to him he tells me that he doesn't want to listen to my "shpiel". He makes fun of me when I cry and says that all I do is nag him. I really don't. I don't know what else to do. We fight constantly because he's just so cold towards me and makes it seem like it's all my fault.

We spent some time away from eachother about a year ago and when he gets mad, he tells me that he only came back because of guilt- not love. Then when he's happy he apologizes. I'm so lost

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:26 AM on Oct. 25, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Men say hurtful things they don't mean during a fight because it rattles us and gets our attention, just like we cry when we're hut hoping they'll see how deeply they've emotionally wounded us. I know that it can be confusing and you don't know which man to believe...the one that says he doesn't love you or the one that says he does. Believe the one that says he does. Anything a man says out of anger should be taken with a grain of salt. Men have a very strong fight or flight response that is built into their DNA. When we nag and they feel attacked, they normally fight back. It's an honest, scientific fact that the logical and reasoning portion of their brain shuts down at that time...they are in full blown attack/defense mode and not thinking of you at that point. When he gets mad just walk away. Tell him "it's not ok to talk to me this way. I deserve respect & am ready to listen when you calm down."

    cont'd...
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 1:49 PM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • He doesn't care about your feelings. He's an asshole. And he seems to be an asshole to your daughter. I think you need to leave him for good because he's told you he doesn't love you.
    SaraP1989

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 12:30 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • He is an asshole. I agree. Yes, he's told me that he doesn't love me, but he claims to only say that because he knows that it hurts me like hell- and he uses it as ammo for when he's pissed.

    I can honestly say that he loves me. I know he does. The last time that Ieft him, he fell apart. I just can't take this anymore. I hate the way he treats me and our child. I just don't know how to get started with this whole 'leaving' process again. I'm scared.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • Dito!!! Is this what you would want for your child's future relationship? We need to give our children examples of good, healthy relationships. They will live what they learn. That is the reason I left my ex. I wanted my son to know how women were wupposed to be treated. I could not tell him how to treat his girlfriend right and then allow his father to treat me like crap. It is very scary and hard to be a single mom, but you need to do what is right. Good luck!
    redfairy

    Answer by redfairy at 12:37 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • He really doesn't love you.He's on the verge of physical abuse. Think about it..Someone who "loves" you tells you he doesn't because he's mad? That's not a man that's a coward.
    SaraP1989

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 12:38 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • Trying to talk to him about what is happening may seem like nagging to him. Not blaming you, of course, you want to resolve the situation. Is how he is acting now a huge change from how he used to behave? Maybe he is depressed or has some mental issue. Consider trying to convince him to go to counseling, and if he refuses you go yourself. Counseling can be expensive, but there are some places that will charge according to what you can afford to pay, or if you have insurance they may pay for it.

    On the other hand, if he has always been uncaring, etc., maybe it is not worth it to continue on with him.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:41 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • I dont know the entire story and not in youre shoes. If her was a boyfriend I would say move on but he is youre husband....for better or worse. Im not sure what youre morals are with marriage and all but this would be comsidered the worse. It sounds like he is deprived of sleep and gets hella cranky. Personally I'd just leave him alone and keep youre distance because as you see talking doesent get you any where. See how he reacts to you keeping youre distance. See if their is more peace if he has his way. Now if he is saying mean things you simply need to tell him how you feel. Not in a nagging way. Just because you dont think that you are nagging doesnt mean your not. Its not the matter of what you think but what he thinks and how he reacts. If he yells at you start being strong, stop crying seriously, just look at him in a blank stare. When he is done say,"are you done". Then walk away and start doing something.
    TummyPrincess

    Answer by TummyPrincess at 12:42 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • Are ya'll having a hard time paying your bills, he could be feeling like he is failing as a husband and father, all though that doesn't give him the right to speak to you like he does. All though I'm sure you may not want to hear the answer he may give you but I would ask him if he thinks that he would feel better if you and you baby left for a while. My dh was like this for awhile and anytime I would him about what was wrong he would avoid the question, I finally asked him if he thought he would be happier with me and the kids gone . The thought of us leaving woke him up and he finally starting talking , he was in a depressed stage things were hard at work, bills were pileing up and we were expecting our 3rd child and he didn't want me to worry about any of it so he held it all in. Once he relized he was causing more destress on me worring about him he starting talking and things got a lot better.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:43 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • Also I would confron him when he is in a calm happy state of mind. Sorry to say but this is what being a wive is all about. This is how you teach him. As a wife its all about trying new ways to communcate. Its also about being strong when you have a bully of a husband. You have to learn to out smart him. Dont get offended about what he says, start listening and reding between the lines. Then teach him.
    example: he says "youre fucking stupid who takes an hour in the shower. You leave me here with this screaming ass baby. Fuck man I dont know what she wants..."
    this means: Im frustraited. I wish you would of got out the shower sooner to help me. I wish I knew what she needed so that I could help her.
    what you say "sorry I tool so long. Next time just knock on the door and I can come out to help you with the baby. I know she can be frusterating at times."
    You are listening he will be more at peace through time.
    TummyPrincess

    Answer by TummyPrincess at 12:50 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

  • He is the only one working right now. He asked me to be a stay at home. I start work in November. I'm a nurse- and that will definately help our situation.

    I get that he's tired. But he sleeps about ten hours a day. How much is enough? Don't you think I'm tired from taking care of a 3 year old? I clean, cook and go to school and I never act this way. If I'm annoyed, I just keep to myself. But I never take it out on our child.

    He has his days where he treats me like total crap, but he has other days where he's the sweetest thing ever. I just can't handle the changes of emotion, constantly. I don't deserve this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:51 AM on Oct. 25, 2009

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