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Dh is hanging out w/ his friend tonight. Again.

So, I really hate that this bothers me. I really do. But it does. DH likes to hang out at his friend's house - this is a friend whom he's known since they were toddlers, and they consider eachother "brothers". So it isn't like I want to keep them apart, but the fact is, I don't ever go anywhere. I work at our house constantly. If I ever leave, its to go to the park,grocery store, bank, or w/ DH to visit HIS mom. Nowhere else. And I don't really have any "friends" to do things w/ (since graduating I just lost touch w/ everyone). So, when DH goes to hang out w/ HIS friend, I get jealous. I truly am happy staying home - I kinda hate most ppl and like my house - but it bugs me that DH gets to have a "break" and I don't. I know I'm being unreasonable - I really do - but how do I get over this? I try not to take my feelings out on DH, but they eat at me. Any thoughts? And don't say get a job - not an option.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on Oct. 26, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Invite his friend to your house so you can hang out too. Maybe they will work on a project together in the garage and you can cook a meal for them. Maybe your DH can watch the kids sometimes and you can go shop or get a pedicure and have a break your way..or even go to the gym.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 11:32 AM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • OP - DH doesn't like to invite his friend over here, b/c they want to play video games together and we don't have a system set up, and don't have enough room, and our son is 2 so they couldn't play the "blood, guts, and gore" games they enjoy so much... Or cuss at the television. So they go to his friend's falling-apart, 100 yr old bachelor pad that he shares with two other college guys (I've never been inside so I don't even know what goes on in there - that is part of what bugs me, I think). I guess it feels like I had to grow up (we had DS when we were 22), but he didn't have to grow up all the way, he still hangs onto THAT part of his youth. And I don't have any parts to hang onto. My friends from highschool ditched me when I had DS, and my school friends all left after college.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:43 AM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • I think it is unhealthy for you NOT to have outside interests. You both need time away to recharge. If you are not the type to hang out w/friends, consider doing something like taking a creative class, a book club, volunteering etc so that you have something for YOU to look forward to outside of your house, baby and husband.
    momrocks1000

    Answer by momrocks1000 at 12:08 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • ha ha job not an option?? that is great.... anyways, i wish i could say that. i would look for stay at home mom groups in the area. maybe a local rec center has groups. or if there are none, start one, take a class (cake decorating or something) warm up tp the other moms with kids at the park and try to befriend them, but honestly if you hate most pp.... i dont know if anything will work until you stop hating most pp honestly.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 12:24 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • i used to feel that way about my ex husband and for me it was that i felt he had a seperate life without me and a life i didn't know or was a part of. like i was being left out. well obviously i was cause he was abusing drugs and scoring behind my back. i knew something was up. anyway i think your feeling left out and you have to ask yourself and talk to yourself through something like this. it's really not his fault that you have landed yourself where things have ended up. does his friend have a girl friend you can befriend and then go do things together as couples? other then that i really don't know. i have a new husband that loves to spend time with me or we go out with friends
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 12:47 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • He is a married man he has no business acting like he is single if he is going to hang out with his long time friend he is going to have to make a choice that is not fair to you if that was the case he shouldn't have never got married if he wanted to continue to do this.

    How was it when you guys were dating I am sure he probably spent all of his time with you and less with him but now it has all changed. He needs to act like a husband or it will get worse and until you have resolved this please hold off on having babies it will not make a difference to man they never understand a woman's point of view. GL My experience was I let my first dh go out and out and 5 yrs. later he cheated (maybe he was cheating all along I just never knew) I am not saying he is cheating but you will know sooner or later. Stop this now or it will get worse. you or the friend you have the right ur the wife remember GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:39 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • Your husband is a married man with a child. He has no reason to hang out at his buddies house and play video games all the time. Espcially considering this particular buddy is a bachelor who lives with two college students. It's immature. And there is certainly no reason for him to do that night after night. That said, I would encourage you to set aside time for going out by yourself. That means he gets to stay home and be a dad. I know how it is to not enjoy being around others too much. I have very few friends. I get tired of the drama that many women can't seem to live without creating. As for getting a job, if it's not possible, it's not possible. I can see that. It would be stupid for me to get one, the daycare alone would eat up three quarters of my income. I would suggest talking to your husband. If it doesn't stop now, it will get a lot worse. If you want to, PM me. I have some experience with this.
    wildflowers25

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 1:59 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • Where she landed is being upset because he decided to pretend he is still single and hang out with his single friends. That is his fault. He needs to grow up. Once a person is past 21 it's time to be an adult and not play games every night at someone esle's house with lame excuses as to why the friend can't come to their house.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:10 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • 1) you need to make some friends so you "get a break" too. I won't say get a job, although that's a great option - I work one night a week waiting tables and love it! Take a class (fitness, community college, etc), find a mom's group, join a book club at the local library, etc.

    2) he needs to spend time with his family. Talk to him and compromise on what you think is a fair amount of time for him to spend with his friend, like twice a month or whatever it is. He has a baby and it's not fair to leave you at home to go hang out with his single friends all the time.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 2:19 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • OP - Thanks for the great suggestions, ladies. There are a few things I guess I should clear up, though. First, it isn't all the time he goes out, it kind of goes in phases (twice a week for a couple weeks, then not at all for a month, etc. I don't (or, wish I didn't) have a problem with him spending time w/out me, I just hate feeling like I am stuck being responsible ALL the time, I guess I'm kind of wishing I had the ability to "let loose" every now and again, too. Also, the reason a job or starting a class is not an option is that I am already barely able to get everything I need to done, and adding a job or something else into the mix would be too hard. I guess I'm mostly resentful that I have so much on my plate that I can't even think about "socializing", while DH will change his work schedule around just for his friend time. I don't have that option.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:45 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

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