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DH says he doesn't want to live with me until my kids are grown?

My DH is step dad to my kids. It is an ongoing battle to the point where my kids just want to be at their dads house all the time and this is killing me. My kids are 13 & 16 and although they are super hard to take and YES much of the fighting is on them.. they are my KIDS!..I feel like they are all 3 being selfish and no matter what approach or how many talks.. nothing seems to be getting better so he says he loves me and wants to stay together but wants to stay behind when we move out of state and not share a household again until they are gone. He is hurting me.. they are doing the same. No one will compromise. I have talked to them together and alone and UGH. Ex husband and he get along fine. Much of the time my ex agrees with my DH and thinks the kids are being petty, selfish, brats and plain RUDE. Please help..I don't want to lose my love, but my babies are FIRST. ..they won't even try for my sake.


Asked by Anonymous at 6:35 PM on Oct. 26, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • It sounds like somebody needs to take control of your children and teach them that the world does not revolve around them. I have to tell you that at 13 and 16, it will not be an easy task. Since the two men agree that they are brats, it would be a good idea to let the two of them team up and teach some valuable life lessons. It will not serve your children well to go out into life with the kinds of attitudes they now have. You will be doing them and yourself and everyone else involved a big favor if you set your foot down and start making and enforcing some rules. I love my children too much to have ever allowed them to come between me and my husband. That's a very bad precedent to set for them, and unless you make some quick changes, you are in for a lot of heartache and they are in for a lot of trouble.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:43 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • My husband and I have two little ones together and he is the step-Dad to my oldest. My oldest has been a difficult child, but my husband has stuck it out. Last year when it seemed we had done everything we knew to do with the oldest, we took a parenting class. Things improved tremendously after we did that and everyone in our house is much happier now. I think coming in as a step-prent is one of the hardest things a person can do, and I wondered many times why my husband stayed with me when things were rough since it wasn't really his responsibility.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:39 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • I forgot to add - Good luck and hang in there. i hope evrything works out for you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:42 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • It is really hard to say what you ought to do in this situation w/out knowing what is going on that your DH is so upset about. If your kids are just being normal teens, then it is expected that they will be difficult and bratty and resistant to a "new" parent, and your DH should try harder not to take it personally. But if your kids are being ridiculously mean or disruptive and your DH is understandably upset, then there might be something else going on. You didn't say how long you have been w/ the "new" guy - if it is a recent development, your kids may be acting out on purpose, to get attention and/or drive him away. But if they've always been this way, then I agree that counseling, either for you or as a family, is in order to figure out why you can't control your kids.

    Answer by Iskkra at 6:48 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • He new you had kids before he married you right? I think it is time to let him go. When you move out of state. Tell him your leaving him for good.
    My oldest was 10 when me and my DH married. She was hell to get along with tell she moved out. But my DH never left me because of it.

    Answer by louise2 at 6:49 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • And this is the man who swore to be with you "for better or worse" ... he sure is living up to that isn't he! It's not 'for better or worse when it convienient"...

    Answer by Jademom07 at 6:51 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • Maybe family counseling?

    I also agree that if your kids are certainly old enough to know how to act, and I think it's time for some serious consequences for their words and actions...

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 6:54 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • They are not babie. Is there any reason your husband should not be first in this case? Your children aren't being harmed if you make him a priority. He's had it with all of you since you come in a package and he can't choose you alone. Sounds like the kids rule the roost. Why do you have to leave the state?

    Answer by happi-ladi at 8:02 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • If your kids are 13 and 16 they are old enough to face some rather tough truths, starting with the fact that you love them, but you are entitled to being loved, a peaceful home, and that they owe you the same respect for YOUR feelings as they expect. Right now their feelings are the only ones that anyone seems to be considering ~ and reacting to. I know they are your kids and you love them, but what they are doing is plain wrong, and they are old enough to know better. If you don't put a stop to it now, they will continue to disrupt your life long after they reach adulthood.

    Aside from all of that, they are the ones who are supposed to grow up and make their own lives. In the end it is your husband that you will be spending your life with ~ so you DO need to take his feelings into consideration.

    Counseling isn't a bad idea, but with or without it you may be looking at some hard choices and some tough love.

    Answer by Farmlady09 at 8:23 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • Well in a way he is thinking of you... He doesn't want to come between you and your kids so he feels he needs to leave so you can raise your kids and not cause so much stress and stuff, so once you're ready to be with him he will still be there waiting for you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:24 PM on Oct. 26, 2009