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DF Deployed. And Us Fighting All The Time.

So he's deployed, and when he's home we hardly ever fight. and when we do we fix it. Well he's been gone 2 months, and now we fight almost everyday, over anything and everything. Mostly llittle things that just escalate. We talk on the phone and messanger. I just wanted to ask you other mamas if you have been through this, and is it normal, and how we can fix it? It's getting to both of us, and we tryso hard not to fight, and it works some days, but more often than not, it doesn't. Thanks mamas.

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Asked by Sparta. at 9:28 PM on Oct. 26, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • First, know that to a certain extent, this is normal. For some people, it's like deep inside, it's easier to deal with the deployment (whether it's getting ready to go or it's after they've gone) if you're mad - sort of like - fine - be gone - I don't care because I'm mad at you anyway.

    What sort of things do you fight about? Because it might help if you both agree to certain things or boundaries that could make this a lot easier on both of you.

    I'm not going to be on here long right now, but I'll be on and off later, if you want to pm me. I'm a military wife who's been doing this for almost 20 yrs now (married 17 1/2, and both of us were military before we met and got married), so I do understand what you're going through.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:33 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • My brother and his wife argued a lot when they came back from being deployed. It's stressful. I don't have personal experience, but I can say that you case is unique. You guys are going through a very scary and stressful time, and your going through ups and downs seperatly, so I can see why you can take it out on each other, eventhough it's no ones fault. I think you still have a long road ahead of you guys, but you guys need each other right now.

    Answer by cwaters13 at 9:52 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • My ex would always pick fights before deployment. I don't know why, but when I realized it I just stopped fighting back. I'd change the subject or let it go because it was never really important. My current boyfriend and I rarely ever fight, but when we do, we get to the root of the issue instead of the stupid little things. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree or shelf the subject.

    Answer by camiam81 at 9:59 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • I know me and my hubby argue cause were both irratated we can't be with eachother but its not everyday. He has alos been gone for almost 2mo.

    Answer by megclark22 at 10:01 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • I hear its very stressful dealing with a deployment , I have never been through one myself .. But sounds to me like you are just taking out your frustrations on each other because of the situation which can be very damaging .... A little understanding from each others point of view might help and kind words and never forgetting how much you love each other and being thankful for each other .

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:09 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • This is totally normal.. but should be avoided. Try just to say that you love him and miss him. Tell him happy things about your life or the kids lives and try to leave out anything stressful or inflammatory. They are under so much stress over there that it's hard to worry about you too. Plus there is nothing that he can really do about anything and any opinion he has about things while he's over there will change when he gets home. So try your best to handle things on your own. Then when he gets home it's going to be weird and you'll probably fight a lot. My husband and I never had the weirdness right away it was always a few months down the road after he came back. So just be patient keep your temper under control and realize the man you sent off isn't going to be the man that comes back.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:12 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • Thanks mamas! i should totally add that I am 13 weeks pregnant with our second too, which I know does NOT help at all. Plus I think he is just as emotional as I am. We both use very loving words constantly as much as we fight. There is no problem with that. We will email or send offlines stating just how much we love and miss each other, everyday. And we do realize that it is probably us taking our stress and frustration out on each other, I just wish we didn't.

    Answer by Sparta. at 10:37 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • I don't know what is going on right now, but my hubby was deployed and at one point he had to take a lot of meds to keep him from getting sick. They actually made him paranoid. He would accuse me of all kinds of things and we would argue, it was crazy and so unlike us. I didn't find out about the meds till he came home. If he isn't acting like his normal self, they are under so many stressful conditions over there (as are we over here, trying to take care of things), we just have to try to overlook when they may pick fights with us. It is so hard to deal with them being gone. We have been through 18mth,14mth,6mth, and are about to do another tour in Jan. If you ever need to talk, you can private message me...Hugs to you

    Answer by CoCoMom89 at 10:41 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • All you mamas are gonna make me cry because ofyour support. Dang pregnancy hormones. lol

    Answer by Sparta. at 10:43 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

  • Oh,Sparta, and you are pregnant too! Yes, that would definately do it! You all are under so much stress right now--just remember the love you have for each other. I know how difficult it is for each of you. It sounds like you just need to vent to other people more often-LOL Then maybe you won't vent to him so much. You will need a really good support group while he is gone. That will help you so much. (that includes online, family, AND friends)

    Answer by CoCoMom89 at 10:46 PM on Oct. 26, 2009

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