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What would it take for you as an adoptive parent to walk away from an adoption situation?

I think most aparents want to adopt ethically, but I also know that some are willing to overlook certain red flags during the adoption process because they desperately want to adopt. What would make you as a potential adoptive parent walk away from an adoption situation? What would cause you to stand up to an agency and tell them that a certain practice of theirs was unacceptable? If you read several bad reviews about an agency, what would you do? What if you found an on-line article that indicated the agency had violated ethical procedures in the past? Or, what if you read on Cafemom that a particular agency was considered unethical? Would you ignore it, or do more research on the agency? What if you discovered the pregnant women wanted to parent, but did not know how and where to get support?

What would it take to convince you to change course?

Answer Question
 
Southernroots

Asked by Southernroots at 2:32 AM on Oct. 27, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Define walk away from a situation: do you mean walk away from a bmom/baby that was presented to you after you were already with an agency or do you mean not to go with the agency to begin with or to walk away after you already gave them tens of thousands of dollars and are waiting.

    The threshold is very different for each.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:48 AM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • I would like to presume, that SR., is talking about, moral conscience and where one draws the line...no MATTER what is involved. I would like to think, that if it were I and I wanted nothing more than to hold a child in my heart...as my own, that MY MORAL beliefs, my values, my conscience,MY GOD, would step in and guide me to do the right thing...especially if MONEY were involved. Sometimes, one has the tendency to forget, that there ARE more important things in life, than turning a blind eye, of a deaf ear, and getting what one wants...no MATTER what, sometimes WE have to get involved, and do the right thing. In MHO, we can only invoke change if we work together, to end some of the practices, that give us a bad name, no matter what role we play in the triad.... JMHO, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:44 AM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • Almost every piece of information from Cafemom that I took into consideration when I was hoping to adopt was either totally useless and often downright damaging. There are many women on here who know nothing first hand about adoption in the past 30 or 40 years. (OP, not referring to you). Everyone has an opinion and that goes for good and bad things.

    I prefer to get my reviews either firsthand or from reputable news sources or the BBB, these opinons are just that, opinions
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:04 AM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • When I first joined Cafemom we were in the process of DIA. A year after joining and putting a lot of time into reading as much as I could from all sides of the adoption triad, I knew that neither my DH or I were emotionally equipped to adopt through DIA. We had only spent $3000 so far so were ok with walking away. We both wanted a fully open adoption. But not knowing whether or not the potential birthmother was really doing this for the "right" reasons, and she really didn't want to parent, or only doing it because of her situation at the time and she could parent with a little help, just ate at us. Sure, we could ask,but maybe at that time she really didnt want to parent, but a year down the road she could realize she made the biggest mistake of life! Now we are doing straight adoption through fostercare and are hoping to adopt a sibling group 2 or 3. We both feel strongly that this is the place God wants us to be in.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:43 AM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • "I prefer to get my reviews either firsthand or from reputable news sources or the BBB, these opinons are just that, opinions."

    I certainly am not saying that research involves only on-line adoption groups, but, I think it should be part of the process. Unfortunately, finding much other than happy adoption hype is not that simple or widely available. Groups like Ethica, Evan B. Donaldson, the Child Welfare Information Network and the AAC all have valuable info. I am curious as to what reputable news sources you prefer. As for the BBB, how much info do they have about adoption agencies, etc. ?

    "When I first joined Cafemom we were in the process of DIA."
    I am pleased to know that you realized the potential perils of DIA and chose foster care adoption instead. I have no interest in dissuading people from adopting, but, want them to do so in the best and most ethical manner.

    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:38 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • SR:

    YOU never answered the question posed, I do think it is a very different decision to ask someone not to pick a particular agency and to walk away from an investment which is a years salary to many.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • Why check the BBB?

    Helloooo before I put any money into any business (and these agencies are businesses), I will always check the BBB to make sure they have been in business for a while and that no one has lost money to them. .
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:30 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • "Why check the BBB?"

    I did not ask that, I asked if they really have much info about adoption agencies, etc. I think checking with the BBB is a good idea for many things, but, somehow I doubt many adoptive agencies are reported, by adoptive or birth parents. Being in business for a long time is generally a positive sign, but not necessarily with adoption agencies, facilitators, etc. Some of the worst adoption agencies and probably attorneys too, have been in business for decades and continued their bad practices for decades. People used to never report them much, and even now, it is not common.

    As for not answering the question, I asked about walking away from an adoption situation. If you have not walked into an agency, there IS probably no situation. But, I am asking in general about what red flags you might notice that would cause one to walk away from either an agency, whether money has been invested or not.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:46 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • If I am giving a business $40,000, I care about what the BBB knows about the business. That is one of many ways I check into a place's solvency. The BBB knows nothing more about adoption than they know plumbing if you are checking the local plumber who is registered there but they do know about solvency.

    TO the point of this question though, it is YOUR OPINON that a company who has been in business for a long time is not a positive sign.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • As for not answering the question, I asked about walking away from an adoption situation. If you have not walked into an agency, there IS probably no situation. But, I am asking in general about what red flags you might notice that would cause one to walk away from either an agency, whether money has been invested or not.


    Actually, that is not true. In 2009 there are often adoption opportunities that you sign up for that particular situation in that particular agency. You only sign with the agency when there is a situation you are interested in.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:14 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

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