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Is it wrong to not want my step kids to move in with us full time?

Ok . The guy I am living with has four kids. They live with there mom and we only see them every other week. I get along with them pretty good, they even call me mom. Well, in a few months it was decided that they are going to come live with us for a year. They are going to be with us supposedly for one year, which we all know is going to be longer. Well, the point of my question is that I don't want them to come live with us. I dont want the responsibility of four kids that are not mine. There dad works a lot and is hardly home, which means that in the end I will be taking care of them, i don't think that it is fair. We have been arguing about this and it is breaking us apart. Am I wrong for not wanting them here.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:05 PM on Oct. 27, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (15)
  • you are not wrong....those are valid feelings...you need to sit down with your hubby and tell him that it isn't that you don't like them but that you are scared of the resoponsibility....talking should help....however, HOPEFULLY why you married this guy you knew that he had these children, when you marry someone with kids you are marrying those kids also, I can tell you from expeirience that if you just suck it up and deal, they will become a WONDERFUL addition to your life....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • IMO yes - you married him knowing he has 4 kids and should have known that this was a possibility. I was a single mom with 3 and when I married my dh he knew it was a package deal. Make sure you set up a list of rules and rewards/consequences if you don't already have them so the kids know what to expect (it may be different during the week than on the weekend). Relax, and try to enjoy them.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 3:11 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • I agree with missanc. I feel for you op, but when you got with him, you got with his kids too. And you even said you have a good relationship with them. YES it will be a bigger responsibility, but at least you guys don't hate each other. Be thankful for that
    Tashwitz

    Answer by Tashwitz at 3:13 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • Sorry honey its a package deal, when I met my DH I knew he had a child and was willing to deal with whatever came along. Being a step parent is the hardest job in the world. If you are not married to him, think real hard as to what is best for you and these children.Good Luck
    dillonsma

    Answer by dillonsma at 3:28 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • I too agre with missanc.
    mamakirs

    Answer by mamakirs at 3:35 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • *agree
    mamakirs

    Answer by mamakirs at 3:36 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • Agree also and want to point out you think you are having problems now how do you think he will feel if you make him choose between you and his kids.?It isn't the kids he will resent.They are actually his first concern as is proper.When and if you have children you will feel the same way he does about your own children.We are still married but I can honestly say my grandparents totally accepted my aunts children as their grandchildren ,equal to the 'blood' grandchildren.There were some tough moments in the beginning for my uncle and aunt but we are all family.It can be great,love all my cousins.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 4:44 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • I don't think your thoughts and feelings are wrong. There are no wrong feelings. BUT when you marry or date someone who has children it important to understand those children come FIRST in your SO's life, that you could end up being a full time parent to those children (especially if anything were to happen to their mother), and they have a right to live with their father. I would suggest to any woman (or man) if you are not willing to accept the step children living with you all the time you should not be entering into a relationship with that specific person. You don't have to be their mother, they have one. He does have to be their father. True if he is away most of the time parenting should not fall onto you. You are not the parent. You need to consider this carefully. If it tears you a part - no one was wrong. You just have different views on what is right for the kids and your relationship.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:57 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • It is not wrong to not want it, but it is wrong to demand it shouldn't happen. You are living with him for one thing (I assume you are not married?), and you knew he had kids. Those kids should be number one to him and if you love him you should respect that. Those kids are his responsibility and his care, they are his children. I actually think it's very selfish to fight with him about it. You are with this man and should support him in his life if you want to stay with him. If it bothers you that much, then just leave. I hate to be so harsh, but you aren't married. If you were married, I'd be a lot more harsh, because a spouse should in no way deny a father his right to care for his children if they should NEED him.
    AngelPuff1012

    Answer by AngelPuff1012 at 8:52 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

  • I feel for you but you knew going into things that he had four kids and that this could happen. If you love him you need to love and accept his children. If you don't want them around unfortunately I'd say its your time to go. Its unfair to your bf and those children if you don't want them there.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:46 PM on Oct. 27, 2009

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