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What is it about 2 years?

It seems there is SOMETHING about 2 years after placement that seems to be the "AHA!" moment for many birth moms to realize that MOST LIKELY they COULD have parented their child. It seems to me (an outsider POV) that for one thing, the mother's life has drastically changed from where she was 2-3 years ago (pregnancy included) and for another thing, she realizes that her "baby" is gone (as in growing up, not "vanished") and that there is a toddler somewhere learning to say Mommy, and running up into their adoptive parents arms to say Hi! I wuv you! THIS would be the MOST heart-breaking part of it FOR ME. It breaks my heart knowing that our own son's birth mother is missing these things.

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Asked by doodlebopfan at 2:30 PM on Oct. 28, 2009 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • (Con't). I could post dozens of questions where someone was having a difficult time "about 2 years" after placement of their child. I wonder if it's because placing a baby that requires 100% attention, immobile, needing feedings and diaperings, money to pay the bills and/or day care, etc. dependent solely on the parents for survival (and I might imagine many would use this info to move toward adoption) whereas a toddler can walk and talk and may no longer require diapers, and by 3-4 could be in school (for free) instead of day care. And I'm wondering how many people think to themselves, "If I could have done it for 2 years, I could have done it forever, and now it's too late."

    PS-I was afraid my "thoughts" would hi-jack the other post by the birth mom trying to cope after placing her child as a teen 2 years ago. So I made another question.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:34 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • Some moms are just looking for an easy way out so they put their kids up for adoption, then miss them or their lives get on track, if they persue getting their child back and are sincere about being the parent they should be then that's a good thing!

    Answer by MommaRox4683 at 2:37 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • "Some moms are just looking for an easy way out so they put their kids up for adoption, then miss them or their lives get on track, if they persue getting their child back and are sincere about being the parent they should be then that's a good thing! "

    Maybe SOME moms are looking for an easy way out.....what a shock it must be for them to discover that there is NOTHING easy about being a birth mom EVER. However, I do not believe that most moms think adoption is an easy journey. Neither do I think most moms realize how incredibly difficult it can/will be. As for "getting your child back, that happens VERY rarely.

    Doodle, (sounds funny, huh?) I think you are right, many moms figure out within a year or so that the issues that caused them to relinquish were temporary, but the grief and pain is not. Some of us are way slower. Many moms do not feel the depths of their anguish and pain until reunion.

    Answer by Southernroots at 2:59 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • This is an interesting question, for me I can't say it was an AHA moment but maybe in an subconscious kind of way, I was in denial of my feelings for nearly 15 years. I think that 2 years later my denial was full force, but my subconscious mind knew I was really hurting.

    After relinquishment I tried to get my life together but within in months I dropped out of college because I had no drive or motivation to continue, partied, drank and just couldn't seem to get my head on straight. I got pregnant about 18 months after I relinquished my first son, I was 19 still with no life changes and I was bound and determined to raise him. My story of relinquishment is similar to some others, and I think for me the 2 year mark wasn't so much a realization but to redeem myself to those that said I couldn't parent, that I couldn't have a lasting marriage with the same man, that I couldn't do what I really wanted.


    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 3:07 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • Doodle, I do see where you as well as others see this'2 year" moment, however this does not appy to MY situation. I think it depends on each individual persons journey, and HOW it came about. This is definately, as you know, NOT a 1 size fits all. I, started craving, aching, crying, the moment i got back into the car from that cool dark office suite, with NO furnishings. However, certain times of the year, or just having a moment or bad day...can trigger these emotions! The yearning to KNOW a part of YOURSELF is out there,can and is devastating, to say the least. The Other Poster, even though she HAS contact, is definately SEEING, that possibly she really and truly COULD have parented...had she just been given the RIGHT words of encouragement, at least this is what I AM speculating. I really do not see this 2 yr. period you speak of....I see where for each of us, whom ared to tread upon this....cont.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 3:40 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • sorry, will back up for correction......for each of us whom dared to tread upon this life changing journey, it can be the smallest, most minute little thing to set into the motions, of despair and regret. I , for instance to this day, after 23 yrs, really have NO MEMORY past the day of signing, for the following 2 yrs. I like so many other First Moms, recollect very little for the next 17 yrs or so. Even when the twins turned 18, I felt NO hurry to FIND them, they were still too young. I have no magical answer, to your querry, as each of us ARE so differing. I wished thast NONE of us HAD to feel pain in this path that has been handed us:( Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 3:46 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • That's a good theory, or could it be even simpler. "They told me the pain would lessen and here I am two years letter and still in plenty of pain. Is there something wrong with me?" I don't know. For me the AHA moment didn't happen until reunion and I held in my arms what I'd given away 18 years before. It was like the dam that had been holding back the grief broke and I was completely overwhelmed with it.

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:54 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • CJ-It makes perfect sense to me that this "AHA" moment never came to you, because YOU are one of the many who truly were coerced into placing your twins. You never brought to fruition the "decision" to place for adoption. You were threatened with the loss of your 6 y/o child. It's not as though you placed them and then decided you could parent. You had already made the choice to parent, but weren't ALLOWED to do it.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:03 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • DOODLE, You truly DO get where it is I wait from...thank you, NO ONE has ever said that, besides, my BESTEST Friend , Janie Jo...thank you. However, maybe OTT, hits the point better than I did! Our journies ARE so differing, and sometimes, its just the SIMPLICITY of KNOWING we could have been great MOMS, and just did not know it at the time. Regardless, I Thank You for ALL of us First Moms, whom did not (for whatever reason) get the chance to keep our children, and simply LOVE them. Upon believing that we could get "past" it and go on to lead normal lives...yet we waited and waited, with still no lessening of the pain. We wanted nothing more, and the child definately did not, ask for more. The exception being those MOMS whom KNEW they couldn't safely give their child, what was deserved......this is where MOMS such as yourself, stepped up the plate, and gladly excepted:) Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 7:49 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • I have thought about your question all afternoon.It was around two years it really hit me that I was clearly worthless.Who else doesn't get to keep her child without having actually been a bad mother.I slept very little in those 2 yrs trying to understand what was so wrong with me,,but keeping a 4.0 I had to show I had some value,then I realized it was me-I was worthless..So I had a very serious suicide attempt.I recovered and had some poor therapy and tried twice more all the while grad.with honors and graduating from grad school.I applied nothing I learned in grad school to me.I was the worthless exception.Tried twice more then had my 25 yr old.He changed my life.While all the more heartbroken by realizing exactly what I lost I was more motivated to be fine for him. I started excellent therapy.It is along never ending road but for me therapy is/was the answer. Off topic but yesterday I began to understand cont


    Answer by drfink at 8:40 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

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