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Should I just leave the past in the past?? Sensitive abuse question.

I was molested as a child by my older brother. It was not "playing", he was 13- 17 while I was 5 - 9 that I recall.

Now that I'm a parent that wants my son to be eventually able to tell me anything (he's under a year) I realize I would be a hypocrite and not being honest with my feelings to never tell them what happened. It would explain a lot about my past behavior and issues, too. But I also am worried I'd break their hearts or ruin my family dynamics, or they'd never look at/speak to me the same. (My mom will remember when the neighbor accused him of molesting her, and maybe be angry that I did not fess up then, but, I was brainwashed) or worse, it is possible they will not believe me. I am also worried my sibling could come exact revenge on me over it as he is an unstable adult.

Would you want to know this about your child - even many years later? Should I just leave all of this alone, or what?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:41 PM on Oct. 28, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • You need to tell. I did. My father molested me, and it wasn't until after I had my daughter that I told my family. They did not look at me differently...they did (of course) look at him differently. They understand why I do not want him around my daughter, and why we can not be at the same family functions.


    if they are any type of family at all they will understand and not judge you. What I did was tell them a few months in advance that we need to talk, can we have dinner at your place, its really important, and then emphasize that it is something from your childhood, not any issues you are having now. My family knew what it was before I told them since I said that.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 6:45 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • What about OTHER children? Pedophiles don't change.

    YES. You talk to whomever you need to speak to...because YOUR CHILD may be your brother's NEXT victim.

    If it destroys the family dynamic to have a predator dealt with, then there wasn't a dynamic worth having in the first place.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:45 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • Something are better left unsaid.... If you need to talk then talk about it... U can tell them but leave out dtails unless its the right time let them know as adults you make decision. That are right to move. I don't really know what to say caUse I have been through worse. Its all bad but I had history! I have been molested and raped by my mothers brother, her niece, her ex husband, my fathers friend, and a guy I thought was my friend... Now that I am older with an 8month old son I am protective and brave. But befor him if someone wanted sex I would cause I felt the need to be wanted and also was scared to turn them down cause I didn't want to be hurt or dead! I am sorry about your past. I am glad I got it off my chest. Haha wow!! I wish the best for you, I really do! I wish I had been a lot braver then maybe I wouldn't look so bad now!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:07 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • Something are better left unsaid.... If you need to talk then talk about it... U can tell them but leave out dtails unless its the right time let them know as adults you make decision. That are right to move. I don't really know what to say caUse I have been through worse. Its all bad but I had history! I have been molested and raped by my mothers brother, her niece, her ex husband, my fathers friend, and a guy I thought was my friend... Now that I am older with an 8month old son I am protective and brave. But befor him if someone wanted sex I would cause I felt the need to be wanted and also was scared to turn them down cause I didn't want to be hurt or dead! I am sorry about your past. I am glad I got it off my chest. Haha wow!! I wish the best for you, I really do! I wish I had been a lot braver then maybe I wouldn't look so bad now!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • I think you should tell for sure. It isn't your fault that anything happened. You were a child then but your an adult now and its your job to protect other children if you can. Pedophiles don't stop. There are probably more victims out there than you realize. I think that you need to sit down with your mom and dad to tell them what happened first. Then maybe have a family meeting with those you think need to know. I am sorry that it happend to you. I know what you are going through and I wish you all the luck in the world. I will pray for you and your family.

    Frogbaby83

    Answer by Frogbaby83 at 7:17 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • You need to tell. For your own peace of mind. They might not believe you, and that's ok. You know what happened. I truely believe that for you to heal, you need to tell.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 7:24 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • I would wait until he is an adult to tell him, or if the issue comes up. Like he hears a hint about it and ask or asked about why he never sees his Uncle and such. Other then that wait till he is old enough to handle it maturely. Make sure you teach him how to properly respect himself and others and all about sex/protection.  Ensuring your child feels comfortable telling you everything doesn't mean you have to tell them everything, just that you listen with an open heart to what he has to say and answer his questions honestly.  You wouldn't tell him what you and his father did to create him in detail would you, no, so don't feel that you have to be an open book.

    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 7:52 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • Gosh I've typed and deleted my answer to this four times now! I"m at a loss. I was raped but chose to never tell my parents. Would I want to know if my child was raped? Part of me would want to know and part of me doesn't. I was always protective of my children so I'd probably end up hurting myself for failing to protect the child. Raped by a sibling? That's just too much for my brain to process. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:05 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • I'd want to know if something like this happened to my kids, no matter what. As for telling my kids what happened to me, I'd tell them too. In fact, I already have to both of these scenarios. I was molested by a cousin when I was a kid and told my sister, who told the rest of the family, when I was almost 19. After I had kids, I began telling them when I felt they were old enough to understand. That way, if something like this HAD or DID happen, they would be able to tell me knowing I wouldn't blame them for it.
    rhope4

    Answer by rhope4 at 9:11 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

  • You are trying to decide to tell your child about your abuse? Am I getting this straight? I see no point unless a situation arises that warrants the talk. when they are older. There are ways of addressing abuse without your coming out and saying "it happened to me." I kind of have to agree that some things are better left unsaid. Heal yourself through therapy and cross that bridge when you come to it. No preemptive strike is necessary as long as you keep that brother away from your kids. I was also raped and see no good in telling my two little boys. As they age I will cram it down their throats that No means No. But my personal trauma doesn't need to be dragged out again for everyone to ponder. Good luck with whatever you choose, it's your family.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:20 PM on Oct. 28, 2009

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