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I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SO ABOUT THIS?

MY DD 13 HAS A CHOIR CONCERT TONIGHT THAT SHE HAS BEEN PRACTICING SO HARD FOR SINCE THE BEGINNING OF SCHOOL YEAR, BUT MY COUSIN DIED YESTERDAY, AND THEY HAVE MADE FAMILY NIGHT TONIGHT AT 7-8 AT THE FUNERAL HOME. THE FUNERAL IS TOMORROW AT 2. MY DD DOESN'T WANT TO GO. WE LIVE 2 HOURS AWAY FROM WHERE EVERYTHING IS. DO I RESPECT HER WISHES AND NOT MAKE HER GO. I CAN GET SOMEONE TO WATCH HER TOMORROW. MY COUSIN KNOWS HOW MUCH MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN PRACTICE SO HARD FOR TONIGHT, AND I DON'T WANT TO MISS HER BIG NIGHT, BUT MY COUSIN WAS MY BEST FRIEND. SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO STAND UP TO MY ABUSIVE X-HUSBAND. WHAT SHOULD I DO PLEASE HELP

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okc-mom-2

Asked by okc-mom-2 at 9:15 AM on Oct. 29, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (21)
  • Let your daughter do as she wishes. It's hard on everyone and this will give her a way to keep her mind off the sadness. I'd hate for her to resent your cousin rather than morning her at this point. I don't think anyone should be forced to go to a funeral if they don't want to.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:20 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • I would say that you need to support your daughter tonight...you always have the funeral tomorrow to pay respects.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 9:22 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • I'm so sorry for your loss! I understand that this is important to her, and I don't think we should people - especially kids - to attend funerals if they are truly upset by the thought. But, at the same time, I think it's important that we teach them that while there are things that are important to them there are other things - such as death - that are more important (that things aren't always about what's important to them). I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her that you know how important this was to her, but this is family, and you need her there with you, because family stands by each other in times like this.

    But I do think, whether she goes or not, you should go to the funeral and have a chance to say goodbye to your cousin. I know this is important to your dd, but there will be other concerts. This will be the only time you bury this cousin.

    Again, I'm sorry about your loss!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:25 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • Sorry - that meant to say shouldn't force people.

    Maybe you should talk to her about how you understand that this concert is important to her, but also how hard this loss is for you, and how special this cousin was to you and the impact she had in your life. See what she says.

    I don't mean this mean about your dd (I have teens myself so I do understand), and we all grieve differently, but sometimes it's easy for kids to lose sight of things beyond their own immediate priorities, and it's up to us as parents to teach them that sometimes they need to set their own interests aside for those that we love - not always, but there are times we need to do this, and I think this would be one of them.

    Either way this is going to be hard, and I am so sorry!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:30 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • you should go to the service, your dd should go to the concert, have another mom in the choir take her there, i am sure they will being that you have to go to that... your dd benifited from your friend but i bet she is like most 13 yr old and they are supposed to be wrapped up in themselves developmentally (that is expected) at the same time you do need to attend her service and maybe miss dd's concert once.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 9:37 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • My step mom died while my daughter was at horse camp - she had cancer and we knew it was coming. I had called my daughter and told her the bad news. I asked her if she wanted be to pick her up the final day of camp (friday) so that she could go to the funeral (my bf would've been getting her since i was going to be with my dad that entire week) She said she wanted to stay for the final cermonies and had already said her goodbyes. I feel it was better for her to stay and enjoy the life she has and she said her final good byes in her own way later. (she and gpa took gma's ashed for a ride on the Harley)

    Do what feels right. and dont make living stop living. we all say our good byes in our own ways and in our own time.
    roxyann76

    Answer by roxyann76 at 10:10 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • I am sorry for your loss... You need to allow your dd to attend her concert... explain to her why you may not be there.... I am sure that she (in this case) will understand... To me keeping normalcy in the family after a death in the family is very important... children no matter the age are hurt or angered more so than an adult if they must change their plans or do not understand  exactly what is going on ... to some (older children) they will consider the parent being unfair to them, maybe even selfish... see if another parent can take her and keep her for you while you attend the funeral, but explain to your dd why you may not be at her concert, make sure she understands your feelings ...


    Again I am so sorry for your loss

    gmasboy

    Answer by gmasboy at 10:10 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • The living need you more than the dead. Go to your daughter's concert and celebrate life!
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 10:58 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • Most anybody would understand that you have prior commitments. Go and support you daughter tonight, then take your daughter to the funeral tomorrow. I had to miss a cousins funeral a couple of months back because we had a school commitment. Nobody was angry over it.
    how_reb

    Answer by how_reb at 11:01 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • This may seem rude, but if you and your cousin are/were so close why didn't they consult you on the timing of the service? When my FIL died we had two kids in college; my daughter and a nephew. It was December near finals. The family consulted the kids on what they wanted to do and what they could do considering their class schedules before we made the arraingments. Why did you family plan "family time" on top of a concert that is very important to your child? I would go to the concert tonight and the funeral by myself tomorrow.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:02 AM on Oct. 29, 2009

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