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Any tips for how to address my pregnancy with my friend who just found out she won't be able to have a baby?

I just found out this week that I am pregnant with my second child. However, one of my best friends just found out earlier this month that her husband has a condition where they will never be able to have a baby together (she has one child from a previous marriage). I know that deep down she will be happy for me, but on the surface I'm sure she will have some negative feelings. I obviously can't keep it from her, but I don't want to hurt her either- so any tips for the next 9 months? We don't have any problems with communication or honesty, but I don't really know how to go about it and I don't want to push her away by accident!

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Asked by elk571 at 10:17 PM on Oct. 29, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (9)
  • if it were me i would feel like it was something you were tryin to rub in my face...especially if i just found out i couldnt have kids with my hubby. I would deep down hate you even if i acted like your friend at the surface. If i were you i would'nt be bragging or sharing any stories unless your friend ask it could be hard for her to deal with. I had to deal with something similar when i miscarried and my step sis got pregnant right away. I hated it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:23 PM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • Just be her friend and pretend you're not pregnant in front of her unless she says something about it to you first. Let her know that you're a little uncomfortable, and what you should avoid if you should avoid anything while talking to her... maybe ask her if she want to be a godmother??

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 PM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • I was in her position at one point. I'd had several miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and was told I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. It seemed that all of my friends were getting pregnant right at that time. Be honest with her. Tell her that you love her, and that you didn't want her to hear from someone else. Even let her know that if she needs some space from you that you understand, that you know the timing couldn't be worse, but that her friendship means a lot to you.

    She may be okay, and be able to be happy for you and share your joy. She may have a hard time, and need that space, but hopefully eventually she'll be okay. I actually gave a baby shower for one of my friends during that time.

    By the way, 5 years after they told me I couldn't have any more kids I had my 2nd child, and 2 years third.

    Congratulations on your good news, I hope it works out with your friend.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:42 PM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • I would tell her that you love her and that you're pregnant. She may be mad (misplaced anger), but I bet she'll come around. Try to include her but not expect her to participate in everything. She might get really excited. Totally agree with ohwrite on everything she said.
    Don't keep it from her, she'll only feel betrayed and like you pity her. It'll just make it worse. Good luck and congrats!

    Answer by lovepotato at 11:19 PM on Oct. 29, 2009

  • I actually went through the same thing... I found out I was pregnant and soon after my BF lost her baby. It was too hard for her to be around me, so we lost touch. I hope this doesn't happen to you. I recommend not calling her every time something exciting happens with your pregnancy and just make sure that your excitement does not over shadow her sadness. Good luck and congrats on the baby.

    Answer by SlapHappi at 12:18 AM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • that first response is absolutely absurd!!

    But I think you should just come right out and tell her. Express to her that you know it's a hard time for her and you don't want to hurt her or grow apart but you don't want her to hear it through the grapevine. She would be even more hurt/upset/mad if she didn't hear it from you. Tell her you still support her and are still the same person and friend. Ask her if she still wants to be included in stuff that involves the baby. It might help her. If she truly is your best friend, despite her sadness, she will still be genuinely happy for you.

    I had a miscarriage in June and 3 of the girls i work with are/were pregnant and they were very considerate of my feelings when I came back to work. The only thing that hurt me a little bit was when one of them got ultrasound pics and showed them to EVERYONE that walked in the room, except me.

    Answer by alyssa_katie at 5:28 AM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I can understand your friend's feelings, it took me 2 years to get pregnant with my daughter. Just be honest with her and allow her the same right. I suggest taking her to lunch, someplace where you both are comfortable and it is private. Tell her what you have told us, that you don't want to push her away by hurting her and you don't want her to find out by accident. Then tell her your good news and tell her that it's O.K. to feel happy and sad at the same time, and that you will understand if she needs some space. Then let her tell you how she feels, with judging or taking it personally. I have a good friend who did this with me and it was a great blessing.

    Answer by teamquinn at 1:15 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • Thanks for the advice ladies! I guess I shoud've also mentioned that we live in different cities at the moment, and that we've been friends since grade school, and that she knew we were also trying for a baby the last 12 months (since all that might've been helpful lol) I'm going to take bits from all your good advice and talk to her and see what happens- wish me luck! I appreciate the help...

    Answer by elk571 at 4:07 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • My husband and I started ttc 13 yrs ago, and gave up after 10 years. We adopted two beautiful children. I think she would be more hurt if you hide it from her. I had several people do that, and it made me feel horrible. It sounds like you're happy to be pregnant, but if you're not, she's not the one to talk to about it. If you have a baby shower, you should invite her but be understanding if she doesn't come. Maybe you could wait to talk about the pregnancy stuff until she asks, and be willing to listen if she needs to talk. I think she'll be thrilled for you, even while she is sad for herself. Congratulations, BTW!!

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 12:10 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

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