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outsider point of view.

so heres my story, my dh and i have been married for 3 years. we are finacially stable..and imo well off. enough to put 5,000 into his project last 2 months and he has his own buissness andwe never want for anything. well he says he wants a wife who works. i just dont understand,if we are well off then why make me work,.which in turnall my paychecks would go to a babysitter anyway.the conclusion to him after EVERY argument is "well then just move out"..ugh i hate this. i want our family to work. he is a generallly awesome guy. its just he hates the fact that im a SAHM. i dont get it.he says im lazy and i dont do so confused as to what to think. he's great one min and then mean the next:(he doesnt liketo "be lovey dovey" anymore..and he says hed be better off w/o he just saying this bc he thinks i wont leave?


Asked by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Oct. 30, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Why are you trying so hard to please someone who obviously is looking for reasons to criticize you? He's being emotionally abusive to you. You are trying to defend yourself against baseless accusations. Next time he tells you you're lazy, drop the kid off with a reliable sitter for the day, don't cook, don't clean, don't do a damn thing for him. Or better yet, see that he stays home and plays mom for a day by himself. He has a lot of nerve talking shit to you after you are giving him your money. If there are things that need to be changed about your situation it should be a discussion, not an order. If you can't communicate in a healthy way, why change your life to please someone who you won't want to stay with? I find what works well with bullies like him is call their bluff. Don't cower, don't defend yourself, etc. Tell him you'll gladly take your $5k back since you're too lazy to make money to support yourself when you leav

    Answer by figaro8895 at 4:55 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I would never let a man treat me that way again. My ex was controlling and mean, said very ugly things to me, but never thought I would leave - well, guess what? I did. He wanted me back and asked me to come home. Had I gone, I think things may have been different but he had his chance and I'm not married to a man that loves me and treats me like a queen.
    BEFORE you get married you should talk about finances and that's when you should have discussed whether or not you would be a SAHM. As it is now, and you decide to stay you need to sit down with him and figure out a plan. Are you willing to go back part time when your son is in preschool, or kindergarten? Full time when he hits 6th grade? Figure out what you are willing to do and bring this up as a "compromise" with your husband.
    Any man who says he'd be better off without you and calls you lazy is NOT a generally awesome guy!!

    Answer by missanc at 3:15 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • not = now

    "I'm now married to a man that loves me and treats me like a queen."

    sorry for the typo.

    Answer by missanc at 3:16 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • did his mother work? maybe he feels that if hes working you should be working also.

    Answer by shay1130 at 3:16 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • maybe he's stressed and tired from being the only one contributing financially to the household. perhaps you should get out and work, just to see how it is. its not about being 'well off'...its about sharing responsibilities and worry. are you well aware of your family's entire financials? perhaps there's something up/down that he hasn't told you, and he's worried. sounds like you two need a very serious conversation about your household.
    also, sometimes, when one person works, and the other stays home, the working spouse doesn't see the outcome of the SAHspouse..maybe you've gotten lazy with your cleaning, cooking, etc. i'm not saying you have, but does he think you have? obviously, he wants more equality...and he's not seeing it. show him your worth, girl! talk about it! TALK!

    Answer by thehairnazi at 3:26 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • i take extremly good care of our home.and honestly id LOVE to be where he is..he stays at home too. he works one hour in the morning comes home..sleeps.then hegoes out and works a 5-6 hour shift(some days) and the rest of his bussiness is done withon about an hour maybe on the computer. i know our finances quite well.and yes his mother works nnw but when he was little she was a SAHM. he says everyone elses wife works why shouldnt i? also im not against getting a part time job..but he said he still expects the house to be my chore and the baby be my chore as well. he doesnt even mow the yard!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:32 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I'm sure you knew he didn't want a stay at home wife before you married him. I almost married a guy who wanted a stay at home mom and I just couldn't do that. Why, if your able to work, would you not do it?

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 3:40 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • Oh lord why do guys think that SAHM's dont work?!! I honestly dont know what you are doing with your time but if you are a good mommy and taking care of "stuff" then he needs to see you as an important PART in your family. You benefit your son and husband when you stay at home (not bashing any WAHM's) He needs to see what you ARE doing, instead of what you are NOT.

    My hubby was being mean one time and I blew up. I said..."Yeah I dont make money but I dont waste it either! I was mad and pointed out that "I mow the lawn, cut the kids hair, shave the dang dog, make home repairs...thats right I am a plumber, electircian, construction, and alot of other junk , and I breast fed ALL THREE kids all for a year and then some.....SO DONT TELL ME ABOUT NOT WORKING CAUSE I DO!!!!" lol Phew! Felt good thanks! lol Its been baby steps for us and been married 8 yrs. I hope my example helped you out! GL!

    Answer by 3gigglemonsters at 3:41 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • no actually i told him before we married when we found out i was pregnant i wanted to be a sahm and he said that was great..and why wouldnt i work? becauseall of my paychecks would go to a babysitter! why work when all of the paycheck i make a little $7 an hour would go to a babysitter?

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:42 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • then why dont you come to an agreement that when your children get to be school age that then you will get a part time job while they are in school...tell him you really want to enjoy being with them and teaching them while they are babies. That is something you can only do once and you dont want to miss out on

    Answer by shay1130 at 4:00 PM on Oct. 30, 2009