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Is there anyone who has a child of thier own and an adopted child? Is the love the same for your own as it is for the adopted?

Adopting a child is something that my husband and I have been thinking about since having our son, now 3 years old. I have such a fear of not feeling the same love for a child that I didn't give birth to. I hate the thought of subcontiously favoring one over the other.

Can anyone shed some light?

 
CameronRsMom

Asked by CameronRsMom at 4:20 PM on Oct. 30, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (18)
  • Here is my perspective..
    I am a mom to 3 girls. My first dd was stillborn at 36 weeks.
    My second child was adopted from China.
    My third child is a biological child.
    I love all of them the same.
    I want to suggest a couple of things to you...the first is that you stop thinking of an adopted child as "not your own". Once you adopt a child, he/she is your own. Biological ties are not the only way to build a family and are not important in the grand scheme of things. Loving that child is not enough however. Adoption is not all rainbows and ponies. It is heartwrenching for all involved. There is grief and loss in adoption and it must be handled delicately.
    I would suggest that you do a ton of research about adoption... attachment, bonding, grief, loss, attachment disorders such as RAD, SPD, etc. It would be a huge disservice to your family and that child if you are not prepared for anything that could happen.Feel free to PM me
    mcginnisc

    Answer by mcginnisc at 11:33 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I only have one child, who is biologically mine. I think if I adopted a baby and knew it needed me just like my son needs me that the love would be the same whether I gave birth to him/her or not. But since you are asking this question I think it would be best that you didn't adopt. You don't want to risk raising a child who isn't loved correctly. You would pick your child over them, treat your child better, buy your child more thing etc. Don't risk hurting a child. Just do not adopt.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:47 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • i personally would not adopt, because i dont think i would love the baby as much i love my own.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 5:24 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I'm glad you are talking about this.

    I am an adoptee who grew up in a household where I was rejected because I was a genetic stranger. Their urge to parent did not overcome and FIX the issues they had with infertility. They wanted a "real" child and I could never fit that bill.
    I'm not going to comment further. But I commend you for speaking out in honest BEFORE an adoption.occurs.
    Thank you



    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 6:25 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • Cameronrs, I too thank you, for giving voice to your fears! I think that ones fears are our sub-conscience telling us to take heed and pay attention...think things through, if you will, and this is what you are doing. I also know you will get many replies of each INDIVIDUALS experience, and this is good, too. In the end, only you will know for sure, and only your husband will know HIS feelings as well. I am a First Mom, (Birthmom) to some, and I only advocat Adoption, for a child whom has no one to love them, and is in need of parents to do that...not parents whom NEED a child to love! This is MY very own opinion, and you will see, that this is not what many others feel. However, having said that, I like you, have the ability or had the ability to concieve and carry our own child, and am not one of these wondefulu women whomwant nothing more than to offer a child love. There are many children whom NEED this love, cont.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 7:28 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • but rarely is it a newborn infant, whom has NO one to love it. Have you considered Fostercare, I know it is not something that just anyone can do...it takes very strong loving people to put there hearts out there for all, and does not always work so swiftly! I am of the thinking that a child whom cannot be safe, loved, protected, and given a clean healthy enviroment, needs to be adopted. I hope you will get ALL you seek, and I offer many sincere Blessings, and Prayers, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 7:31 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • First of all, you are not ready to adopt for a really simple reason. I have a child of "my own" just like you have a child of your own, yet my child came to me by adoption. And truthfully, people dont "own" other people so technically neither of us have children as possssions.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:36 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • foster child or not if you are having any fears of not loving a child as your very own, then you should not adopt.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:12 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • i would love the child the same,becouse u are there for everything that happens in there life,there to protect them from harm,kiss there brusies.and they will look up to u and u would be mommy no matter what. youve herd the saying( any man can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father. its the same for a women. any women can give birth but it takes a special someone to love that child with everything.
    angelairelan

    Answer by angelairelan at 9:28 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I disagree with what some are saying... just because you're questioning *if* you can love another child the same doesn't make you bad. Don't all moms pregnant with their second child wonder "will I love my new baby as much..."

    I am an adoptive mom. One I bonded immediatly with. Another took many months. There were different circumstances surrounding their adoptions, so things worked themselves out differenlty. However, it didn't take long before I knew I would give my life for theirs... til I knew I was the happiest woman in the world because I've been blessed to parent them... Til I looked into their eyes and my heart melted with pure joy.

    Adoption is a journey... just as parenting is. What you're feeling is very normal. There are many pre-adoption type books, maybe you should read a few.

    People need to get off your back just because you don't know "proper" adoption terms. All that comes in due time.
    DaphneMae

    Answer by DaphneMae at 9:54 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

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