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MOMS' whom have adopted, and MOMS' whom are in reunion......

Please answer with serious replies, I have a need to KNOW. I heard from my C.I. today, and we talked for....well what seemed to be forever! I NOW have to write a letter, and this letter( my choice) is for the MOM of my twin sons(23 yrs.old). There are MANY reasons, for my conclusion to communicate with their MOM! Mainly out of respect from 1 Mom to another Mom. I have tried very hard to put myself into 'her" shoes (so-to-speak), and decided that this is what it is I would want. Now, I know there are many many experts whom disagree with MY decision, saying these boys are grown, and have had ALL decisions made for them, and I agree! However, I also have the twins older brother to think about, and decided if this was about HIM, how would I want what was BEST for him...I LOVE ALL MY SONS. question: "As a Mom of these boys, would you want the first contact to be with you, NOT the boys, and what would you 'fear" most?"

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ceejay1

Asked by ceejay1 at 6:33 PM on Oct. 30, 2009 in Adoption

Level 15 (2,298 Credits)
Answers (73)
  • I have made a monumental mistake...yet again...In reading my question, I left out the most important thing...the OPINIONS of the Child/Adult whom WAS adopted! Please forgive me...I NEED and WANT your opinion ABOVE all others! I, truly meant NO disrespect..so forgive me! This is so very important...I just do NOT need to make yet ANOTHER huge mistake, so Your advice is greatly needed! I have always said Adoption is what is BEST for te child...it is NOT about "us"...so I am now asking...what do you think of my decision, and will this effect them in a very adverse way? I was basically trying to get an idea of what fears a MOM whom has adopted, thinks! HOWEVER, if you have not been adopted, or are NOT any part of the Adoption journey, I hope you will, pass on answering something so unintelligently! This is an event, I have waited for...for 23 yrs now, I need to KNOW what it is others FEEL! Blessings, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 7:09 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • I'm trying to imagine how I might feel if my child had grown up without any of us knowing his/her bmom. I know that some APs live in fear of the mysterious woman who might someday show up in their lives. My friend (bmom in reunion) is happy that her son wants a relationship, but sad that his mom & dad are not supportive. I think they never dealt with their fear of him loving her more than them.

    Your twins have a right to have the opportunity to know you, whatever they ultimately decide. I think you have shown great respect for their mom & dad by even thinking about how to make the first contact, and by repeatedly acknowledging that they are most likely not to blame for what happened to you.

    I would think your idea is a good one, but that even if they are not supportive you could go ahead and contact the twins if you find them (does this post mean you FOUND them??).

    I wish you the best of luck.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:28 PM on Oct. 30, 2009

  • No advice just the very best wishes,good good good luck and so excited for you.Prayers for you and all involved!!!

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 12:27 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • I would like to hear from his FIRST mom what is in her heart toward my (our) children. I would appreciate MUCHLY the fact that she gave me first the opportunity to let them know that she's wanting to contact them, that she loves them, that she respects us as their parents, and that she means no harm. I would feel left out if she wrote directly to my child first. I would love to tell my child that his FIRST mom who has always loved him is now wanting to see him. I would want to have prepared him for this being a GOOD thing, that we are thankful for her "choosing" us to raise him, and that we love her for without her, we would have no son. (Regardless that we're adopting thru foster care. Still, w/o her, no son.)

    Fears? Fear of the unknown, fear of losing my child to her, fear that she'll blame me for the grief the adoption has caused her.

    CJ-I'm glad that you are at this point and hope it goes well! Hugs!

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:57 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • (con't) Iamgr8teful, regarding the mysterious woman....

    I think that's part of the unknown, wanting to know what she's done with her life for 23 years, does she have other children, is she healthy emotionally, etc.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:59 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • "Now, I know there are many many experts whom disagree with MY decision, saying these boys are grown, and have had ALL decisions made for them, and I agree!"

    Sorry, I do disagree with communicating first with their adoptive mom since they are adults. I think it is continuing to treat them as children not to contact them directly, and I do not think that is a good beginning. I fail to see why it would be best for your sons to not trust their judgment enough to decide whether they want reunion. They do not need permission from their adoptive mom.

    If they were younger, yes, it would be a respectful thing to write first to their amom. But, at their ages, I think it would be disrespecting them to write to their amom first as though they were still children. Why do you think it is best to contact their amom first?
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:13 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • With all due respect to amoms, I bet most would like to be contacted first. However, your goal should be to do what your sons would prefer. You must consider what is best for them.

    P.S. I am excited and happy for you....sorry to rain on your parade. But......I have to be honest with you.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:16 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • CJ I'm going to have to agree with Southernroots. I'd want you to contact me first- before my aps.

    I'm also going to add that there's already ENOUGH filtered communication between you and the boys with the CI being involved. You probably would be wise to not depend on yet another party to pass on any messages you want to convey to your sons. I used a CI, and I compare it to the kids game of 'telephone'. The first person tells the 2nd a message, and they do the same on down the line- and the last person repeats what they heard. Usually that last message turns out to be quite different than the original message.....

    You can't possibly attend to everyone all at once, with this first communication. Don't put you're energy there. There will be time to talk to amom- and express yourself. It doesn't have to be right off the bat. This is so important to you and the boys! That's where your energy should be
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:07 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • I remember when my mom had been found, and I was asked to write the letter. I remember the many different emotions I was having all at once- and the pressure to get that letter JUST right. I remember filling trash cans with letters that weren't good enough. There is a huge amount of pressure to say 'everything' you want to say- and get it just right- all in one shot...just one chance.
    THEN add the pressure that you can't say anything to identify yourself ( even tho you have NO need to "protect" your identity) and, well, been there- done that.

    I'd like to tell you to Just go slow. Give them just enough info to pick their interest to come back for more. Lil' bit at a time is easier to digest too. It's going to be hard to hold back ALL that you want to say - but remember you'll have forever now that the veil of secrecy has been lifted! Wooho!
    Wishing you ALL the best!
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:40 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • I am an amom and I totally agree that you shouldnt contact the amom first. Frankly, I wouldnt want to be the gatekeeper for your relationship my sons. (this is assuming they are adults, correct?). If the twins dont want to meet you, I wouldnt want to bare the burden of telling you that.

    The one exception be if the kids didnt know they were adopted. In that case, it would be fair to warn the Amom first before you potentially upset her entire life.

    What ever you do, dont go into the whole story that you present here too early.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:17 AM on Oct. 31, 2009

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