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Question about dating and not having more kids

When I had my youngest child, I had my tubes tied. I got divorced, and now I am dating again. My question is, at what point do I tell a new man that I am not able or willing to have more kids? I feel like I should tell them rather early on, so we don't waste each other's time if he's dead set on having (more) biological children, but I also think telling him on a first or second date would imply that I am thinking more seriously of our relationship than I really am. I mean, the guy I am talking to right now (we've not yet met) says he doesn't care if he has bio kids or not (just in general conversation when I mentioned that I have kids), so to him, I don't think it would make a difference, but I'm just not sure when I should bring it up.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:14 PM on Oct. 31, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • It's really none of his business unless you two are serious, if he asks then tell him.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 5:43 PM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • If you plan to pursue a relationship I think as adults it's a good idea to discuss it up front. My Hubby and I got it out of the way right from the start. He didn't have any and I had 3 when we met. We decided 3 was plenty and he said he loves them as if they are his own, biology doesn't make a difference. We decided instead of me getting a tubal that he would get a vasectomy. He said I had done enough with giving birth and raising them on my own. I thought it was a very selfless thing to do on his part. Be sure to make it clear where you stand because believe me I know people that didn't and it can cause a big riff if you were to get married and one of you changes your mind.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 5:53 PM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • Yes, be up front. Otherwise, from experience, you will waste time and the guy will be using you for sex until he feels ready to have his own kids then he will find someone else so fast. It really hurts and it's embarrassing to be dumped like that. Be honest and it is easier to find a man who already has kids. He is more likely to feel the same way you do.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • I would wait until it is more serious. You don't have to bring it up any way shape or form until then. I mean if you are having sex just tell you are protected, he doesn't need to know how. I know my hubby and I talked about the kid issue before we got married and neither of us had any. I think kids, discipline and money should all be discussed well before it can become an issue.

    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 8:03 PM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • Tell him you're protected? HAVE HIM WEAR A CONDOM!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:31 PM on Oct. 31, 2009

  • OP here...Just to be clear, yes, we will use condoms. I just feel like, if he's a guy who really wants to have bio kids (or more of them), I don't want either of us wasting our time, you know? I know I don't want more kids, and I'm not going to change my mind and have a reversal, and I'm not the type to try to convince a guy who wants bio kids that he shouldn't have them.

    And it's not really even about sex. I guess I'm more asking at what point am I deceiving him by not telling him I can't/won't have more kids? Is it something he should know before we date exclusively, or is it something I shouldn't tell him unless we're talking marriage? Do I make sense? I don't know...maybe I'm overthinking it. lol
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:19 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

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