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How do I fix my insecurities about other people and the baby?

I am (sort of) a single mother of a 3 month old. I stayed home with her for 2 months and then went back to work. My brother watched her for awhile and I was okay with that since it was just a few hours. When I let someone else watch her, she got treated horribly, came back filthy and in very wet diapers that gave her horrible diaper rash. I'm not a paranoid mom but now I'm afraid to even let anyone take care of her other than me (i stopped working for other reasons).

This is affecting even my new boyfriend. He made a comment the other day that I don't let him help with the baby. I usually give her to my mom (I currently moved back home) instead of letting him help, even though I know he's fully wiling and capable.

How do I fix this? I don't want it to ruin my relationship, and I want to be able to let Lili go to a babysitter without me worrying that what happened in the past will happen again.

 
Squeakette

Asked by Squeakette at 8:32 AM on Nov. 1, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 5 (82 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Sadly, you'll have to learn to trust again, and if that trust is harmed to get back up on your feet and trust yet again. There are good and bad people out there, sadly they're all unlabeled (wished there was a way to fix that).

    I'd start with pricing centers to place your child in, or a certified home-daycare where you can report the person and get their licensed provoked. Although pulling some bodies license won't fix whatever they did to your/your daughter it will help you feel a since of justice that another child/parent won't go through that.

    As for boyfriend, start by letting him play with her while you fix the meal, or while you do the laundry. Have him feed and diaper her with you there. If you don't trust him, or don't learn to, then he will not stick around and can you really blame him? If he's "new" in your life he'll have to earn that trust, let him know this too after all it's "your" baby. Good Luck!
    Knightquester

    Answer by Knightquester at 2:38 PM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • I'm sorry your daughter got treated that way. I can understand your worry. I do think that if it continues it would affect your relationship. Maybe you could try little "trust" activities, letting him help while you are near by and you would be able to help if he needed your help. Good luck!
    presleyfan1

    Answer by presleyfan1 at 8:41 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • I agree with everything that was said by presleyfan1.  Is there a Women's Center near where you live?  They might be able to offer resources where you can meet ohter moms and find trustworthy caretakers for your baby. Or, is there a birth/wellness center where you can find about about other groups for new moms and their babies?  It's overwhelming and difficult to adjust to being a new mom, but it gets better - especially when you are able to meet up w/other moms going through some of the same issues that you are.   It's a shame that you had a negative experience with your baby's caretaker, but, that doesn't mean you can't find someone you can trust.  I hope you will give your boyfriend a chance (if, of course, you really trust him - your gut will know).  Hang in there!

    Jazzmin7

    Answer by Jazzmin7 at 8:59 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • Never let down your insecurities, you have the right to feel this way. There are a lot of weird people out there, and you need to be careful when selecting a great safe babysitter. The world is really screwed up right now when it comes to our children. We have some daycares who don't really take proper care of our kids, then you have the unlicensed daycares. My advice to you is to properly check out all of the facilites you choose. Make sure they are licensed, and CPR certified, and contact your local Better Business Bureau to make sure there are no complaints or lawsuits filed on the daycare.
    ambr2006

    Answer by ambr2006 at 9:00 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • I think you should tell whomever you decide to let babysit your child what happened to your daughter in the past and "quiz" your new sitter as to your expectations. Such as: what kind of schedule do you keep the children on? how do you entertain them? how many children do you care for at one time? present a few scenarios (the ones that address your fears), and see gauge her response. Does she seem genuinely concerned with your concerns (a good sitter would). Does she seem receptive to your wants and needs (a good sitter will be)? And ask to talk to former clients and get their opinions of this sitters care and attentiveness.

    Word of mouth is the best indicator of the kind of care you can expect to receive.

    And like a previous poster said..."try out" a new sitter in short bursts of just a few hours--like on a weekend or when you are not working and go do some errands, and build up from there!
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 9:06 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • Try checking out the LICENSED home daycares in your area. These are mothers who watch a SMALL number of children in their homes in addition to their own child(ren). There is a limit of 6 children total in the home, and no more than 2 under the age of 2 years. They are licensed and their homes are inspected and there are a lot of safety rules and regulations they have to follow. They are also open to inspection without notification at any time by the state who licenses them. I agree with the PPs about trying them out for a small amount of time at first, and also when you say you will be back for her at a certain time, surprise her by coming back early and see what's going on. Most of these are far, far better than a huge "Daycare" facility where babies get forgotten at the end of the day or neglected all day long and other horror stories we hear about.
    pagan_mama

    Answer by pagan_mama at 9:50 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • well, her previous babysitter wasnt even a daycare. she's a licensed nanny (i saw the license) with 3 children of her own. For some reason I got her home and she had thr worst diaper rash I haed ever seen. It was eating into her skin.

    I'm not necessarily hesitant about letting other people watch her really. I just.. dont let other people help me with her really. Like my boyfriend will say "I'll get her.." and I'll quickly say "no I'll do it." and get there before he does. This has never happened to me until after the bad babysitter incident.
    Squeakette

    Answer by Squeakette at 10:14 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

  • I think its questionable that you new boyfriend wants to be so hands on with your baby. I wouldn't let any man change a baby girls diaper, but that's just me. Your baby is only 3 months old. I think your attention should be on your baby, not keeping a new boyfriend right now. As for daycare, you are always better off keeping your little ones close until they are old enough to tell you what's going on at day care.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 AM on Nov. 1, 2009

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