Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

terminal cardiac disease? how long left, forgive and forget?

i live in europe. i jst got an email from my mom statin gmy grandma is in hospice care for terminal cardiac disease (not a huge suprise, she has had more than one heart surgery and issues because of her terrible unhealthy lifestyle) she said she doesnt have much longer and i need tomak emy peace with her (long story...we are not close anymore, very much estranged)
how long is the life expectancy for terminal cardiac disease? ive been looking it up and i cant get an average time frame.
i dont konw if i should forgive/forget and call her....or keep my distance like i have been. the history is bad, my family is nuts lol...the things that my grandmother did in her past...she's mental. and for YEARS i have seperated myself from my family minus my mom. now i dont know if i should hep make her death more peaceful or just keep myd istance. i cant go to the funeral,in europe and im not on vacation,i live here and i cant leave right

Answer Question
 
moki1984

Asked by moki1984 at 4:44 AM on Nov. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Level 11 (573 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Well if you dont "make peace" will you regret it later?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:11 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • You could send her a letter, you don't have to "make peace" but you can let her know you are thinking of her. I think to do something just to make it right actually doesn't make it right because you know that you did it only because she was terminal and not because you actually felt it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:42 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Making peace does not mean you have to have her involved in your life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:11 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Even though you are estranged, it would be better to make peace. Call her, or as the other poster suggested, write a letter. Let her know that no matter what, you care for her and you want everything to be better for her....

    Personally, I do not think I could live with not making peace. I would always regret it - even if I was estranged from that person.
    Rose87

    Answer by Rose87 at 7:52 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • I don't think there is anyway to pin point how long a person will be on hospice care. Some people are there for a year or more and some for just a day or so. In my experience, I don't know anyone who has been on hospice for more than a week. But people hold on for a lot of reasons and if she has a lot to atone for, she my hang on for a long time hoping to be forgiven by you or anyone else she has hurt.

    I don't think you have to forgive her for her. But I do think you need to forgive her for yourself. You are obviously hurting for your past and you haven't made your peace with it. Forgiving her will help you feel more closure, but no one can MAKE you forgive and if you're not ready then you can't be forced.

    Just make sure that if you don't go to see her or call her - that you won't end up regretting it.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 8:05 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • My mom is a Hospice Nurse, and there isn't a time frame like what you're looking for, though if it's at the point of Hospice care, it's pretty much reached the end - the very nature of Hospice care means they aren't treating it in the sense that they are trying to "beat it" so she can get better, it's about making them comfortable, and helping them and their families to make peace, and to let them die with as much dignity and as little pain as possible, and it's not something that a person does just "because" - basically, her Drs have determined that this is the end.

    As far as making peace goes - honestly, that's going to depend on you, what happened to cause the issues, and etc. I was estranged from my bio dad for a LOT of reasons from my childhood. My sister tried to have a relationship with him, I chose not to. About 10 yrs ago, he was really sick and they thought he was probably going to die.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:39 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • cont

    I did contact him to make peace, basically, and I don't mean this in a patronizing way, but given the situation (too much to get into), basically to say that I had forgiven him for the stuff in the past. I didn't know if he had regrets, but if he did, I didn't want him to die with them. The conversation was NOT good, to say the least. He lived another 10 yrs almost (I do NOT think you have anywhere near that, btw). When he did die, we were still estranged, and to be honest, I regret that he wasn't the father that he could have been, but I don't regret the estrangement.

    Now, there are other situations where I haven't been on speaking terms with a loved one (again, for various, serious reasons, not all of my doing), that if something had happened to them, I would have regretted not making peace with them til my dying day.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:44 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • cont
    The thing is, if you try to contact her and make peace, the worst that will happen is that it won't work, but you'll know you were the bigger person and tried, and if she dies afterward, you'll know you tried, and it sounds like even aside from your grandmother, it would bring peace to your mom, who probably loves both of you very much.

    In the end, only you know if you can stomach trying this, or if you could live with not doing it, but just remember, this is a choice that, once she's gone, you can't do over.

    And given her disease and the point her care has reached, I think you need to decide soon.

    gl!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:48 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Don't do it for her, do it for you. If you don't want to make peace, then so be it. Just don't regret not making peace later down the road. My parents divorced when I was young because my dad had a number of affairs. I was very close with his mother until the divorce and my grandma turned everything around to make my mom the bad person and told a lot of untrue things. I told her she was a sorry bitch for defending her son's actions and he truly was a son of a bitch. She died last year of brain cancer and I never "made peace" with her. My dad wanted me to but I didn't care. She made my life miserable and I would never forgive her. Not making peace was my decision and I do not regret it. She was not in my life for 18 years so not having her now would not make a difference to me.

    If you debate it, then you probably should for yourself. Just don't live with the guilt of not clearing the air before she's gone.
    momtotrips

    Answer by momtotrips at 9:19 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. Do not let people push you to do something you do not want. You will not feel guilty if she was not a good grandmother.

    Clearing the air does not work all the time. So only do WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE DOING OR NOT DOING.
    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 9:46 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN