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Am I over-reacting?

I have a step-son who is 4 yrs old and whenever he cuddles me, he caresses my chest area in an inappropriate way. His dad told him that he is not allowed to do this as its a private area. The child went home to his mother and asked his mother could he rub her chest and she said she doesnt have a chest what has she?He replied saying titties, and she allowed him to rub them. Ive spoken to a counsellor and she says this is normal behaviour and he's mther is not wrong for doing this, but i cant see how its ok for a child of his age to be allowed touch and caress any woman's chest. Can some-one please help me as I dont want my step-son to cuddle me anymore as i feel incomfortable around him and dont want to feel like this, as i love the child as if he were my own flesh and blood. I have a 1 yr old boy and I know if he was doing the same i wouldnt be encouraging it.


Asked by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on Nov. 2, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • It is in no way shape or form ok for a mother to say that she doesn't have a chest, encourage her son to call her BREASTS because that what they are called "titties" & then tell him it is ok for him to rub them, he's a 4 y/0 & I cannot think of any age when that would appropriate. That is inappropriate behaviour. Now if he takes it upon himself to rub them, no one should freak out, just remove his hand explain that they are YOUR breasts & no one gets to touch them without permission, & no sons & moms or step moms & step sons, DO NOT rub or caress each otherss private parts so he isn't going to get permission to do that.
    This is the perfect age for him to learn about respecting other peoples bodies, and what is appropriate touch between himself & others. It's ok for him to like breasts, it's ok for him to look at them (with clothes on of course), it's ok for him to ask questions about them, but, it isn't ok to touch them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:16 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • That is inappropriate behavior. I can not understand why anyone would say it is ok. Unfortunately I don't have much advise on how to handle the situation. Maybe explain to him that you don't like it.

    Answer by ZaTa at 10:52 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Well...I see both sides. On one hand, I have a 4YO DD and a 2YO DS. When DD and I cuddle she will sometimes put her hand on my chest, but she is by no means carressing my DS 2 is still nursing, so he does get alot of boob time, which I do not find inappropriate at all, he's still a baby to me.

    I also have a stepson, who is 18 now, but even when he was, I would not have been comfortable with that. Unfortunately, the bottom line is that is just IS different when it is your own. So, you probably are over-reacting a bit, if it was your own son, you'd handle it differently, but it wouldn't freak you out as much, but again, I get it....I wouldn't want my step son doing that. Tough spot you are in.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Tell hubby to talk to his ex what it's about. it's great that your husband's not just brushing this aside. Maybe the ex showers with your ss. Your husband can also talk more with his son in a roundabout way - maybe too have son draw pictures of his fun bath or shower time and bedtime at his mother's house. . See what he draws.


    Answer by lfl at 11:00 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • My son is 3 1/2. when he gets sleepy or needs some snuggle time he tends to put his face on one and his hand on the other. I am very busty, at a 44F and he cant help it if for no other reason but because they are large, and everywhere.. I dont feel "violated' because he doesnt realize the sexual implications. all he knows is mommy is soft and comfy. However he doesnt fondle my breasts, just rests on them. Now, I dont feel it is appropriate for a child to touch ANY womans chest. In the case of my son, its innocent. However you have the right to decide how your body is touched by others and if youre uncomfortable with this and feel like the child is acting inapropriately as opposed to just putting his hand where it falls, I think you and his father need to have an age-appropriate talk about privates and respecting others' bodies. Dont stop snuggles though. Show him how YOU LIKE to be snuggled & encourage that as an alternative

    Answer by ChandaAnna at 11:04 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • My husband has spoken to her on several occassions and again we both have spoken to his little lad to no avail, no one seems to want to listen to us! I have a 2 yr old daughter and she is at that curious age too but she knows not to touch me there and doesnt. I am just at a stage where i feel that i can thave the child around me and i dont want it to come to that, its so difficult. I know children will want to explore and that but there has to be a fine line somewhere. What makes it so mch harder is the fact we are telling him not to do it and his mother is telling him its ok for him to touch her and feel her breasts.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:06 AM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Btw, I'm the anon above & I am a SM (custodial) & my DSS LOVES butts, he'll come right out & tell you that but, I do the same thing when he tries to touch mine.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:17 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • How long was he nursed? I knew someone growing up who nursed til 5 and all that time he found comfort in holding a breast (not corressing, but just touching and having it in his hand since he did it while he nursed). So it might be comfort for him still. If the therapist says it's ok, then unless you get a secon opinion, you might just have to let it be, but encourage him to find other ways to comfort himself when he's around you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:10 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Anon- He was only nursed for 5 wks. He originally was jus resting his hand on my chest which didnt bother me as i put it down to a comfort thing, its more the fact that its moved onto a caressin motion now and is being encouraged by his mother and she allows him to continue it. How can i explain to him he's not allowed do that when she encourage him to do it??????

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:38 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • I'm the SM anon above...
    I think I forgot to mention my DSS is 4, too. Honestly, I don't know if this is "right" or "wrong" but, I tell my DSS that when something is wrong it is wrong no matter where he is or who is with & I expect him to always try to do the right thing, no matter what anyone says. Yes, I know I'm contradicting his BM, & I'm comfortable with that because I know for a fact that my DSS's BM has no capacity for good judgement & does not have a good understanding of what is right & wrong & she is an adult. I try not to confuse him & ultimately I cannot control what BM does with him on her time but, I'm not going to censor myself in instructing him on what is right because if he doesn't learn it our home where is he going to learn it? I never say BM is wrong I just remind him of what is right & tell him what I said above. You have to find your own voice with these things there is no handbook :)

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:49 PM on Nov. 2, 2009