Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

13 yr old girl writing "homosexual" type note to other girl

This year has been tough on my daughter with the adjustment into being a teen. Some background is she is ADHD and sensory processing disorder. From the outside she looks like your average kid but the inside is different. She has always had problems making friends. Most of the kids treat her as an outcast due to emotional issues she had in younger grades. NOW we are in Junior High and she is listening to the other girls in gym and trying to fit in whereever she can because she never has. I found letters where she said she was "bi" and didnt care who knew. And another letter she wrote to another lil girl about the other girl wanting to kiss her in the bathroom, and another thing she wrote where my daughter said she was in love with this other girl and how pretty she was etc.
My daughter has been pretty sheltered but now im blown away and i dont know what to do. Im a very hands on mom...but not too much. HELP!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:13 PM on Nov. 2, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (33)
  • Dont judge her!I would just try and help guide her through it

    Answer by boogernoodle at 2:18 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Either she's going through a stage where it's cool so she's trying to be cool and needs to talk to someone she trusts about it, or she really is. First the smart thing to do would be to make her feel safe to talk about it and find out which one of the two it is. Then if it's the first talk to her about what it means to do things to be cool versus being herself and liking it. Maybe she is scared no one will like her if she's not like this. The second is if she really is bisexual, allow her to just be herself. That doesn't mean go have sex. Either she's just trying to figure herself out and it's a phase, or she could truly be that way. Time will tell. Either way, teach her to love herself, respect herself, and be proud of who she is. Encourage her when she does good things, and make her feel like it's safe to come talk to you about things. Good luck! pm if you want to talk!

    Answer by Steff107 at 2:21 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Actually having a child with the same learning issues. I am not so sure she knows what she is saying. I am not judging her preferences, simply her judgement abilities. I think she needs councilling from a doctor on how to make friends. How it is socially acceptable to talk to people. Writing these notes is a sure fire way for her to get left out even more, perhaps even beat up.
    I am concerned that she feels it is ok to write sexual notes of any type to someone she is not involved with. Perhaps that can be the focus of the discussion rather then who she likes. HOW to go about talking to someone she likes in a proper way. NON sexual.
    She is probably really confused poor thing. Good luck

    Answer by SusieD250 at 2:22 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • You have to wonder if she's really bi or gay or if she's just trying to fit in. This is the reason that I think the gays need to go back in the closet and quit forcing their gay agenda on everyone. Kids and teens have enough to deal with without having to be sexually confused. Almost everything show on TV has to have their token gay person. Sad.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:23 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • At that age she could just be joking around, but I would still prepare myself to talk to her. She may be saying things she doesn't quite understand and she may be having a hard time determining how true what the other girls are talking about is and trying to fit in with what she thinks they saying/doing. I also have a 13 yo ADHD daughter, so I know it can be rough. It might help to talk to the school counselor before you talk to your daughter - the school counselor might know what the girls are talking/experimenting with and also might give you a chance to discuss the topic before you do it with your daughter. Hang in there and good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • FROM: OP....Well I wouldnt go to the school counselor. Small town and too many people cant keep their mouths shut. I think she is trying to fit in so hard and she just doesnt. Weve tried a few group things for her to do choir, girl scouts etc and she is never accepted and it makes my heart hurt for her. Im so embarrassed to even talk about it. This has thrown me for a real loop. I tried talking to my mom and she was just as flabbergasted as my husband and I were. Id love for her to finally fit in and have more than one friend but so far it hasnt happened. She is already ostracized for being different and I dont want that to happen anymore. I dont want to be the mom giving suicide awareness programs to other kids because my child became a statistic.
    Im just really having a hard time with it all right now. Its not a homophobic thing....just a mom thing.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:31 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • SusieD250: im hoping she is confused. Her Dad talked to her a little bit the other day and he said he wasnt even sure she understood what "bi sexual" meant.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:32 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • maybe she is gay, maybe not. I would go with a private councelor who is sensitive and not anti-gay.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • I wouldn't go as far as suicide. I used to hide in my closet and cry and beg my mom not to take me to school because the kids were so mean to me. I also couldn't do church or groups because I was an easy target. Remember all those mean kids are insecure and trying to figure themselves out too. You really need to get her in to counseling, leave your town and drive a little further. If there is a will there is a way, ALWAYS. This is important. I am ADHD and I made some very poor impulsive choices trying to get other kids to like me. I even pretended to do drugs before I even did them to get those kids to like me. Then I got hooked and went through re hab. I got pregnant as a teen. I dropped out of highschool. I had to bust my ass as an adult to get my life straight. Get her some help so she can learn how to process these things. There is light at the end of your tunnel, you just have to keep walking through it!

    Answer by Steff107 at 2:38 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • For my son, I hand picked kids to be his friends. People I knew who would be supportive and understanding of his limitations. I also did talk to them privately and made sure they knew what I expected of them. I expected them to be friendly and supportive, willing to do things with him and have fun. I told them they did not need to include him ALL the time, but they did end up doing that. It worked for us. Do you have any friends with teen kids that you can talk to?
    For me it came down to the realization and acceptance that my son will never be like other kids.
    You may not be there yet. HUGS.

    Answer by SusieD250 at 2:50 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Teens (13-17)

Next question overall (Toddlers (1-2))
How can I get her to start talking?