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Unsure about leaving my marriage

I have been with my husband almost 10 yrs, married for 4 we have a 7 and 3 y/o together. He is hands down the best father any one could ask for and works extremely hard so that we can afford t live in the suburbs. In the last year or so Im just not happy with our relationship at all.Im not sexually attracted to him anymore or in love with him.but part of me does love him. A few months ago I was talking/texting another man and ended up kissing him.My husband found out and was furious! He basically made me perform oral sex on him and has since apologized but I cant seem to get over it. he works full time while Istay home and we share a car. I really want to leave but he expresses how much he still loves me..I dont know what to do and how i would begin to leave him..any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:04 PM on Nov. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • If your being abused (being forced to perform oral sex is abuse) than you need to find a safe place to stay until the problem gets fixed. I strongly recommend counseling before any decisions are made. I also suggest the book "love and respect"... its eye opening!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:07 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • The feelings of being "in love" are not meant to last indefinitely. Loving someone is much different from being "in love." Those feelings come and go over the course of a lifetime together. Happiness is a choice. Loving is a choice, too. It is not your husband's responsibility to make you happy. It is your responsibility to choose to be happy. You could leave him tomorrow and marry another dude, and you would soon be unhappy with him, too. The way you think influences the way you feel. You were obviously thinking about someone other than your husband, which led to texting, which led to kissing, which led to your husband's anger. You hold the key to your own happiness. All you have to do is use that key. It sounds to me like you have one fine man and I would not be even considering letting him go. Start thinking of him for who he is, and you just might find yourself loving him the way you once did.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:13 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • i'm with nannyb. and statisics back her up. second marriages are even MORE likely to end in divorce. if you're going to work it out it'll be with your first spouse and believe me those two kids of yours are worth it. going off with someone else won't solve your problems, you'll have all those and all of the problems that divorced /blended families have. and there is nothing good in divorce for your kids. more behavior problems, less likely to go to college. you have no control over what women he brings around them. i would try counseling before you do anything because to me... he sounds like a guy a lot of women would fight tooth and nail to get. one womens garbage is another womens treasure.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:41 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • Do you have a means of supporting yourself if you leave and a place to leave to?
    Did you ever find him attractive/into him sexually? If yes, then there is always a shot at making this marriage work despite his nasty reaction to the kiss you had. Keep in mind that kiss isn't the key to freedom, it is a chance to learn a lesson. That man doesn't represent greener pastures. If you leave, do it knowing you'll be alone for a long while before you'll be in a healthy enough place to date and find a new person. If there are no redeeming qualities about DH then leave. Sometimes just doing it for kids isn't wise however, it's not often things will turn out so much better. If you can turn things around, it would be better. Good luck.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 11:19 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • I concur with NannyB. and anon. As far as being "forced" to perform oral, exactly how was it forced? Was he violent? Then I would advise counseling to help you both. If he just kept harping on it and you gave in, that's another issue and it wasn't really "forced". He does have a right to feel betrayed and angry over what happened. Especially if you weren't telling him that you were unhappy to begin with.

    Answer by Lesli at 11:47 PM on Nov. 2, 2009

  • if you want to make it work then you need to tell yourself divorce is just not an option. get counselling. go on dates. whatever it takes. try being a surrendered wife, you may like it.

    Answer by 6under1roof at 3:05 AM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • Your marriage doesn't sound bad.

    Answer by Pnukey at 9:38 AM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • I think that you two should try couples counseling! Before my husband and I got married we had to go through it from our church. It was VERY helpful. There's nothing wrong with it, and it REALLY DOES HELP!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:58 AM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • Would you be angry if you found out he cheated? And yet you want to paint him as abusive. Nobody is forcing you to say. If you want to leave you will learn the grass isn't greener and another woman will be enjoying your husband you will have nothing to say and nobody to blame except yourself.

    Quit blaming him. Maybe you bore him, too. I would be more worried instead of creating drama.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • OP here..I never said he was abusive. I said he "basically" made me perform oral..which means he told me that after what i did to him that that was the least I can do, and I had to perform before he would even try to start forgiving me. Also like i stated he did apologize. I dnt feel in my heart that he is abusive..even if his one act made him seem that way. I would nvr leave him for another man..I definitely dnt feel that i am better off with him. Thank you NannyB for your advice it makes perfect sense to me. And I was nvr trying to create drama I just wanted a little advice..

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:47 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

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