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An odd relationship situation...please help!

I was a virgin when I initially met my husband. He's very special to me. He's changed me into a much better person. We've been married for about 3 years. I knew he had ex-girlfriends. The most relevant ex of his is actually one of my best friends (I met her after I met him because they are still friends). I know that he still cares very deeply for her.

I was going through some stuff in our office and stumbled across a notebook that had a poem in in about her (and I know that it was during a time we were together that this was written). Our relationship is not going that well, but it's also not unbearable either. He always seem so unhappy and I feel as though it's my fault; that I can't be what he wants me to be. I always feel like I am the second choice and he would rather be with her. I have brought it up (not the poem) numerous times and he just says that it would never have worked out because they fight all the time.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:13 PM on Nov. 3, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • That sucks. I wouldn't be able to handle it personally. I personally don't think that two people who dated can both be "just friends". Maybe one of the two can, but not both. I think you both need to end your relationship with her, and work on your own. Everyone won't agree with that, but that is my opinion. I don't know how you managed not to bring up this poem. I would have ran and threw it in his face probably, but that's me. I'm not you, and I don't know your situation, but again this is just my opinion.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:19 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • Con't...

    It's also even more strange because he has some psychological issues and I know that he would be devastated if I ever left. It's like he doesn't care when I am with him, but he can't live without me when I am gone.

    I can't be with somebody when their heart belongs to somebody else. I've always chosen other people's happiness over my own. And I would be very worried about him if I left with our 2 children (21 month old and 5 month old).

    Please give me some advice.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:19 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • He will not cut off having a relationship with her. And she is my friend. I trust her that she would not be doing anything with him. She means so much to him, though. And I just don't know if I am over reacting.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:21 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • If you didnt have kids, then I would say move on, but you do. And since you have children together, I don't think you should just leave. You need to work it out, and get her out of your life (even if she is a good person, she's hurting your relationship, perhaps unintentionally).

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:22 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • Then go to her, and tell her. If she is a good person, she'll back off, since he won't.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:23 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • I can do that, but he always asks her if he can go over to her place. I suppose that she could just say no, but they only see each other maybe two or three times a year. Thank you for your responses; I just don't know that if would help. They don't really see each other that often. It doesn't prevent him from not liking her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • You should never stay in a relationship. Just because you feel obligated to because of the kids or the SO/DH would freak out.  If you  want out, just leave.


    Answer by louise2 at 1:01 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • You are not responsible for his unhappiness. Neither would you be responsible if he were deliriously happy. Happy is a chocie. If I were in your shoes, I would stop trying to be what you think he wants you to be. Just be yourself. He chose you, so don't ask him if he has regrets. Instead, spend your time being the best wife and mother that you know how to be. Make your home such a special place that he would never want to think about leaving it. It sounds like your husband has some pretty significant security issues. As his wife, it is part of your responsibility to reassure him that he is loved, respected and admired by you and that he will be by your children as they grow. Encourage him to be the best person that he can be, and you will probably see him lose interest in the other gal. I would say nothing about her, but I would do everything within reason to gradually break all ties with her.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:51 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

  • You neeed to turn your hearts toward each other. He is thinking about her and he needs to be thinking about you. In life and marriage we all get focused on everything thing except what is the important stuff. Make a date with him spend time together, talk make your relationship better. I think she is not good to have around because she is a stumbling block for him, a temptation. Maybe you can be friends with her but he should not have her around him at all.

    Answer by stickyfingers at 2:30 PM on Nov. 3, 2009

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