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My husband kept something to himself for about a year, how can I help him trust me enough to confide in me? (sexual in nature)

Tonight it came out in the course of things that my husband has wanted to try something we haven't done before (a little light spanking, sorry for the TMI lol) for about a year. He never told me, and I never suspected. I've told him over and over again that I want him to confide in me and that I want to know everything about him, and that I want to share in his fantasies. Only now that I'm trying to be more aggresive and take-charge in the bedroom (or living room, as the co-sleeping case may be lol) does he feel like he can let me know this.

How can I help him trust me? He's always been shy like this, and I just want so badly for us to fully trust each other.

Any ideas?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:08 AM on Nov. 5, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • OP, I sort of wish you'd posted with your screen name so I could send you a PM. :-)
    Some men and some women are, by nature more submissive and less dominant than others. Doesn't mean they want to be walked over and taken advantage of but it does mean that in some settings, they are more comfortable letting someone else take charge. Often, when that happens, a person with a submissive personality feels "safe" to voice their secrets. On the flip side, you, as the more dominant party, need to take your husband's trust very seriously. Don't take advantage of it. In order for him to trust you, he needs to know he's absolutely safe with you. As he becomes more confident, he'll feel more comfortable telling you about his desires.
    Make sure y'all are able to communicate well outside the bedroom and that skill will transfer into the bedroom as well.

    Answer by eema.gray at 1:53 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • You're already doing it. Taking charge. Keep doing what you're doing and continue to be open and honest. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he doesn't know how you'll react.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:21 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • OP here

    I guess that makes sense, I feel that way too, sometimes. I just decided recently not to allow it to get in the way any more, though, and so I haven't.

    I'm afraid that it's not enough, though. Why would me taking charge make that big a difference?

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • I am SOOOO shy in the bedroom so I understand where he is coming from. It may not be that he doesn't trust you, he just feels shy and stupid telling you what he wants. I have so much trouble saying specifics too. I think the other poster is right. You are already helping him out. He was able to confide in you this much already. Keep doing what your doing and he will open up more. It also helped me to read a "sex manuel". Not a porn, those don't really teach. But a book that teaches a lot of the biological parts of sex. It helped me a lot to learn how to enjoy sex. Plus it made me feel a little more comfortable talking about the subject. The one I got was written by a Christian author so it was informative and respectful.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • sounds like he is very submissive.
    look up bdsm and the lighter sides of it, dont want to jump into the heavy. if you ask him if he knows what bdsm is i bet he does and will smile.

    any questions about bdsm feelf free to ask me.

    Answer by moki1984 at 3:26 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • "Doesn't mean they want to be walked over " heheh well actually many submisisives in bdsm literally want someone to walk over on top of them with heels on lol.

    many of them want to be used and abused as rough as possible...then loved afterwards and told they were a good boy

    Answer by moki1984 at 3:28 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • Unless your husband is way different from the norm, your aggressiveness probably is a contributing factor to his lack of trust in you. Men are born to be the aggressor in romance and in pursuing the women of their dreams. If you really want to know him, back off and let him lead the way.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:08 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • I don't think it's that he does not trust you, i think that for some, it's very embarrassing to admit things like that. It has nothing to do with trust. I secretly want my SO to talk dirty to me, & i have not told him. I'm scared he might not want to do it but feel pressured to because that's what i like. I don't want him feeling uncomfortable about it. I trust him %100 though. It's not so easy for everyone to be open about their sexual desires. Be happy that he told you, & ask him what else he wants to do. Or how his sexual fantasy would play out. The ball is already rolling, so go with the flow.


    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:36 AM on Nov. 5, 2009

  • OP here

    NannyB, I guess he's way different then because this aggressiveness is a new thing for me. I tried being the damsel in distress and it doesn't do anything for him. He's been honest enough to tell me that he likes it when I take charge. He works in middle management all day, bossing people around and he likes not having to be the boss in the bedroom.

    Mok1984, I dunno if it's exactly BDSM he's wanting, but something in that vein of a power shift in our sex life. He's not big on bondage and especially not pain or humiliation, but he does like the blindfold I made and aparently having a take-charge dirty girl is exactly what he needed lol. I didn't think a submissive man would like spanking, though, that's a little confusing to me. I might PM you about it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:02 PM on Nov. 5, 2009