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So my 15 yr old DD patched it up w/bf for the 3rd (or 4th?) time. He repeatedly treats her crappy until she's had enough and then confronts him. Prognosis?

He'll ignore her around his buds, or be condescending, prefers to play video games to talking to her. They only see each other in school or at dances there, because she's not allowed to date out side of that scenario yet, although this boy's been over the house before, he's shown that he's controlling and manipulative as well as racist and politically incorrect and drags my DD into that~has also tried to isolate her from us, and makes inappropriate comments~ thwarts our authority. We've tried to guide her in this and let her know all the things that alarm us about him and this relationship, and she even came to me and said"I know all the things that are/were wrong about this, and I even thought of breaking it off, but I talked to Ali (friend) and she agrees I shouldn't do anything I'll regret." So, now she called him and I just said "It seems you patched things up" and she shrugs. He's cute, but why would she put up w/this?

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dflygirl7

Asked by dflygirl7 at 6:56 AM on Nov. 6, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 12 (751 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • if its her first kiss or first sexual experience, or first bf....girls tend to be crazy when it comes to that. I remember my first and i was kinda stuck on him like glue no matter how crappy he treated me. Idk what to say to do...its really hard being that age
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 8:55 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • Well if you see that he is abusive, then don't ever change the rules to she can see him outside of school. Do not encourage the relationship in terms of inviting him to your home. This only gives more validity to the relationship. Don't help her to do nice things for him in terms of birthdays valentines etc... Treat him and the relationship as schoolyard romance only!! Don't change the rules just because she turns 16. If you do you will be in it with this kid for much longer and much worse than you imagine.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • I went through this same exact thing. If it wasn't for my mother being so persistent about me seeing him, I would probably still be in that situation. I think you should tell her that you don't like the way he is treating you and that it hurts you to see her get hurt. Don't allow him over at your house anymore. Tell her also that you don't want her hanging out with him at school either. Obviously you can't stop her at school but if she knows how much you disapprove maybe she will end it. I suggest you seriously try to get her out of this relationship. I know from experience that if she continues with him it will only get worse. She may get pregnant and then she will really be stuck with him. Good luck. I wish you the best.
    Jguevara

    Answer by Jguevara at 10:25 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • Well, she is 15... why does she already have a boyfriend?
    adoptivemommy24

    Answer by adoptivemommy24 at 10:34 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • Take her to some kind of organization so that she can volunteer and learn firsthand about domestic abuse. The only way she is going to see that she deserves better than this from men in general is if she see's the effects firsthand. Make sure she then has acess to learning about what a healthy relationship is, respect, and kindness-firsthand.

    This is how young women fall into domestic abuse with their partners (boyfreinds even), and thought this bf might not be there in the futre, there will only be another in his place to treat her the same way b/c she is allowing it to happen.

    IMHO, if it was my dd, i would forbid the relationship. You can. She lives "under your roof", so if you can't trust her to not see him, then don't let her out of the house except for school, and tell the school that he is to not have contact with her b/c he's abusive. Get a restraining order if you have to. Do you want it worse when she's 18...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:50 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • ...when she's 18, out of the house, and you have no authority to help her, even if it's against her will? The legal age is 18 for a reason. She is a child, it is your responsiblity to help her, teach her, and keep her safe (emotionally, mentally, physically), whether she wants it or not.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:52 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • even if the relationship may not be physically abusive, domestic violence most of the times begin with the other forms of abuse...emotional, then mental, verbal, isolation.

    Empower your dd now, so that when she's a grown woman, she can make smart choices and respect herself.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:54 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • IMO - when i teenage girl has unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex, usually they learned it from the male/female role models in her life. How does your current/past partner treat you? Has their been an unhealthy relationship? You need to take aggressive active build her self worth and surround her with healthy caring examples of male/female relatioships so that becomes her ideal of a healthy relationship
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:39 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • My daughter was in the same type of situation when she was 15. I know from experience that it's very hard to dictate what your children can and cannot do, and me and my husband agreed that our children must make their own choices and learn their own consequences. We've tried to teach them this from an early age so that now as teenagers they trust us more when we advise them that something is not the best choice. What worked for us was EDUCATING her. I pulled up several articles on domestic abuse and how it starts and at first my daughter was hostile saying we didn't like the boy etc. But we did force her to learn about what was healthy behavior and what wasn't. One day at school in her health class, a guest speaker from a shelter spoke on the very same things we'd been teaching her and a light went on. She was able to end it on her own by her own decision. It wasn't us forcing her. It also took a lot of prayer in her behalf.
    brotmom

    Answer by brotmom at 11:42 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • your daughter needs some self esteem, or she will never get away from this potential abuser. She is a likely candidate for teen mother.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 12:04 PM on Nov. 6, 2009

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