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4 yr old acting out and hubby and I disagree on punishment

Lately my 4 yr old son has back acting out alot. He will beat on his bedroom windows. Push the 18 month old I watch down. Last night he had a play date and he was pushing that kid as well. Throwing Rocks and other things at him. He also doesn't listen when you tell him to stop doing it he looks right at you and does it again. Now I told him if he didn't stop he couldn't go bowling on Saturday(he bowls in a league). Bowling seems to be the only thing he really cares about. Well he was acting out at me again so I told him no bowling. I told my husband he is not going bowling, now my husband is making me feel like a jerk. He is like just spank him more. (Which btw he doesnt care about bc he has been spanked and he still does the behaviour). Then he says take something else away like a toy, DS does not care I have put toys in the garbage and he is whatever about it. So what do I do? I feel like I am damned if I do or don't

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JrSmOm2005

Asked by JrSmOm2005 at 11:18 AM on Nov. 6, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 4 (44 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • Okay, have a 4 year old who is on a bowling leauge as well, it punishes the team when you don't let him go, maybe too much spanking? I use an immediate take away--favorite toy etc.. have a date with just you and him, he is probably feeling left out with the toddler around, my son looks forward to our date all week, if he misbehaves a certain number of times, we don't go. Is he in any kind of preschool? My DS has been alot better since we started going, and he interacts with several kiddos his own age--good luck mom!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 11:25 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • Spank the kids so he doesn't hit. What's wrong with this thinking?

    Hitting and punishment never teach good behavior. In many children punishment can make the child worse. They become more sneaky or act out more. If you hit or punish them they are defiant, resent you, or just hate you. Authoritarian parenting doesn't work.

    The form of parenting that psychologists have known for years is the best for kids and parents is called authoritative. You can go to google and read more about authoritarian and authoritative parenting.

    That's theory. You need to learn new skills. I recommend two books. Love & Limits by Elizabeth Crary and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. By listen the authors mean hear not the way parents are usning the word 'listen' now to mean obey.

    There are websites about both books. They teach practical skills you can start today. They are change your life books.
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 11:26 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • Well its a one person team bc there is not enough so only person it will punish is my son
    JrSmOm2005

    Answer by JrSmOm2005 at 11:28 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • i agree with you. I will say, at 4 years old, he should not be acting like this. He is a bully. If this behavior continues it will only get worse. At 4 years old, he is old enough to understand his actions are wrong and to make better choices. Spanking him will do no good, he needs to learn to make the right choices to get the rewards in life (like bowling).

    Honestly, i would take everything away (bowling, toys, tv. games) leave his bed, clothes, and books. Have him earn back those things slowly (you can start with bowling), and don't be to generous with him earning it back, make him work for it.

    Some will say this may be to harsh, but my children are very well behaived and know if they act up, they get things taken away. It usually only takes reminders nowdays. I got this tip from another parent, and it works for everyone i've ever heard it from---some moms started at age 3 even!

    Good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:29 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • Consistency in letting your son know it is not okay to act that way. My daughter throws the queen of fits, hits or try and bite. With me I just have to keep on in discipline, not necessarily spanking, but have, with her it is taking away a favorite toy, that gets her to settle down.
    3rdDay

    Answer by 3rdDay at 11:30 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • When my son acts out!!! I put him in time out. I will keep him in time out for 4 minutes, one minute for their age. Say, your son did something tuesday and he bowls on say sunday, he isn't going know why he can not bowl. Trust me my son dislikes time outs and I will use them whenever his shows his tail. I might put him in time out 10 times aday to make him understand from right and wrong. I will count to three when it gets out of hand and I will say timeout! Now this works for me and you have to do this when he shows out at that moment. He doesn't like coner , but he has his own time out place. My husband and I use the timeout policy together. Now, I have never used timeout's ten times in one day. LOL... I read this in a parent's book and it really work's. I dislike spankings and I can't say if he has really had one. Now when I say the word TIMEOUT he acts normal. Good Luck!
    goldielock37

    Answer by goldielock37 at 11:40 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • We do time outs for stuff like that. He would get 4 min. We started time outs at 18 month, works well with both of mine. I would I would take away the bowling too. My mom would throw toys away in the garbage can (she never heard us go get them, wink wink) You might also talk to him and see if there is something bugging him, my daughter acts out with changes in her routine. We talk then she is fine. Another idea is getting some marbles and a large jar. For every good act he gets a marble, for every bad act he loses a marble. Each marble helps him earn rewards. Like extra time with a parent, activity, pick of desert/dinner, watch a favorite movie/ TV, special activity, stay up late, ect. . . Ensure he knows watch behaviors are "bad" and "good".

    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 11:54 AM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • What does bowling have to do with his behavior? If there were a direct link between bowling and him acting out, like if he were acting out every time you took him bowling, I could maybe see why you'd take away bowling, but in this case I don't get it. Your son probably doesn't see the connection either, which means it's not likley to work. I'm a big believer in catching behavior like that *before* it gets to the point of requiring punishment. If you watch carefully, you may start to notice that before he does something he knows he's not supposed to, he will give a small clue. He might look at you to see if you are watching, get a certain look on his face, or something else. Get to know his signals that he's about to let loose and redirect him *before* he does it as much as possible. It takes a little time and effort to figure out, but it really gives you the upper hand because kids don't even realize they're giving you clues.
    jessradtke

    Answer by jessradtke at 2:11 PM on Nov. 6, 2009

  • I say listen to your husband.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:53 PM on Nov. 6, 2009

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