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What would you do?

So I've only been married less than a year and to me things are horrible. All my husbands cares about is money, sex, and having a clean house. He constantly yells at me about how he goes to work and comes home to a messy house and doesn't get enough sex. The house isn't nearly as messy as he makes it seem to be. You would think that there are things EVERYWHERE where in actuality there isn't. We also live in a very old single wide trailer, which is very small and basically no storage whatsoever. He constantly tears me down about not cleaning to his standards when I do give an honest effort....it's just not good enough for him. Things have gotten so bad that I hate to be intimate with him. When I am I have to force myself and sometimes I think about other things just to get through it. It seems as if he cares more about those things mentioned than our love and relationship itself. Cont....

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:37 PM on Nov. 7, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • He has told you what is important to him. If you want him to take care of what's important to you, it would be a good idea if you led the way. We women are not so direct as are men in stating what's important to us, so they have a bit more trouble understanding what it is that we need from them. I promise you that when he is getting his needs met, he will be much more open to meeting yours. You are responsible for your own happiness. He will never be able to make you happy if you depend on him to do it, because the standards for your being happy will keep on changing. Learn to be happy doing the things that please him, and you will find you are happier. Attitude is everything. Right now you are angry because he's not doing what you think he should, and he's angry because you're not doing what he wants you to do. Somebody has to be the first to make a move toward the other. Let it be you. One year is not very long!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:56 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. We've talked about this over and over but nothing has changed. I'm really just ready to go because I'm not happy at all. I'm constantly crying because of how he treats me. I wish he had as much passion about our love as he does about having a clean house. We haven't talked to anyone, but right now I don't even think it would change how I feel about anything. What would you do in my situation?

    I'm wondering would he rather come home to a "dirty house" or an "empty house?"
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:39 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • when I first became a sahm we realized that our version of clean was differnt... not far off but enough. so we hired a housekeeper. it was cheaper than counceling and resolved the problem. eventually we let her go - once the kids were in school full time. but it really helped us.

    and we did find a happy middle ground... I did start cleaning more to what his 'issues' were and he relaxed a little.

    almost 20 yrs married and the house looks GREAT any time of day and he is a bit blind to the rare piles of laundry and dishes.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • If you live in a trailer and cant store anything, start looking for things to throw away. Maybe its space he wants and yall dont have it because of the stuff everywhere
    Shyma

    Answer by Shyma at 1:51 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • I think he is pissed about something else..you are not his made.. this is 2009 . why does the woman still have to do the cleaning to someone elses standard.. if he needs it cleaner he should help. If he wants sex he needs to be nicer and more loving to get it. what woman wants to have sex with a man who comes home and yells at her..
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 2:43 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • Well if it were me and my husband talked to me like that I would say "well then YOU get off your ass and YOU clean it so it is up to your standards!" I also would be like "you expect me to have sex with you after you treated me like crap? Forget it!" If you really want your marriage to work it is going to take BOTH of you to work at it-- not just you doing your darnedest to please him and him cutting you down. I think if you BOTH want this to work then it might be a good idea to see a marriage counselor- and work on the issues. If he refuses, or if counseling does not work out then I am afraid that you might just have to leave him. You have a right to be happy too.
    Good luck, I hope everything works out!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 3:41 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • I'd let him come home to an empty house and let him see how it feels. Explain to him that you won't come home until you get counseling and he changes! My DH complained once about something not being clean enough for him, I told him if that's how he felt he could do it himself. I'm a SAHM and I clean because he works, but he understands that I'm a MOM not a MAID! And there are days that dishes don't get done, the floors don't get vacuumed! It's a part of life! Your man needs to learn this.

    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 4:37 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • OP here...thanks for you comments ladies. Not only am I a SAHM, but I'm also a mom to a VERY active 2 year old and I'm working on my master's online. With school I have 4 papers due every two weeks and the papers require extensive research. It can literally take me two to three days to write a two or three page paper. At least in school I know my work isn't being taken in vain being that I hold a 4.0 right now. I literally do clean every day, but it's hard to do amongst the other things I do. He always complains that the house isn't clean, but he never says thank you when he has his dinner waiting on him everyday. This has been going on so long that I find it hard to lead as another mom said. I tried, but I didn't get any reaction from him.
    To mizlee that's exactly how I feel. He literally makes me cry every other day, but yet I'm suppose to be willing to have sex with him? Yeah right. Cont...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:28 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • To the mom that says he controls my happiness, this is true. The only way that I know how to gain my happiness back is to not be with him. I mean isn't it part of a husbands job to keep his wife happy? What's that saying..."A happy wife keeps a happy home."
    To the mom that says we should throw things a way...it's not necessarily things we can just throw away, but I have given a way lots of clothes...he has given away NONE.

    I'm just confused why he demands that I clean up so much when he makes most of the mess. His momma raised him so he knows that he should clean his stuff up. It's like he got married thinking that he doesn't have to clean up anymore.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:33 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

  • One time he asked me to wash his clothes...no problem because I was planning on washing clothes anyway. But the next day he yells at me for not having a certain thing washed the next day!! He felt his clothes should have been washed before the towels sheets...blah, blah, blah. I always wash according to colors and it just so happened the thing he wanted was in the pile that I decided to wash last. If he wanted a particular pair of pants for the next day why didn't he just tell me that?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:34 PM on Nov. 7, 2009

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