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adult child can you relate?

I am an enabler. I have a 20 yr old son who has been avoiding the onset of adulthood for roughly 3 yrs now. I have put him out of my house on several occasions due to lack of motivation to work or because he has taken over my home with his buddies, partying, sleeping in, not contributing,etc. I have tried everything from taking him around for possible jobs, to giving in to him and letting him come back home because he ends up in jam, without a job, which was the original reason why he was put out. Recently, I found stereo equipment missing from my home. I confronted my son who finally admitted that he pawned the stuff. He justified it by saying that it was packed away in a back room and it wasn't being used. I told him that he wore out his welcome and to leave immediately, which he did. I told him that I did not want to hear from him until he had a job. This last incident is my limit. Can anyone relate?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:06 PM on Nov. 8, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (12)
  • My little brother is doing this to my mom. The HVAC repair man found his pipe factory, scales, baggies, and other drug selling equipment in the attic. My mom was terrified the repair man would call the police. I suggested she give him the option to get a job and pass 3 drug tests over the course of 3 months or be gone. She said, "I don't want to set him up for failure. That's something he can't do."

    You are tough! You are helping him. You must be so sad. Have faith that your maternal instincts are correct.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:23 PM on Nov. 8, 2009

  • you better stop or you will end up being like my ex's mother...she pays his child support just to try to keep him out of jail. He is 35 yrs old..has 2 other kids that she has to take care of from his ex wife...b/c she is a piece of shit too. I really feel sorry for her but i am not giving in and enabling or benefiting him like she does (she is always asking me to cancel the child support for my son) I would think a 35 yr old man would be able to get away from his mom and take care of his own children but i guess its hard when your mom has wiped your ass for so long
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 8:28 PM on Nov. 8, 2009

  • I can relate to being totally fed up with an adult child and cutting communication with them until they pulled their respective head from their rectum. Tough love is hard. They are part of you and it hurts to cut them off. Just keep remiding yourself it is for the best for both of you. If you need to vent message me.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 8:29 PM on Nov. 8, 2009

  • let him go mom he willlearn and DO NOT take him back ever,there is shelters and yes who cares if he is your son,if you want hinm to act like a real man then let him be one and stop standing in the way byhelping him out (saving him) where's his dad?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:32 PM on Nov. 8, 2009

  • yes in a way, i have a 17yr old stepson who lives with us fulltime, he is mean to my 17month old his lil sister. he has been failing every year he is in the 10th. doesnt want to drive or get his liscense or a job, ask for money all the time
    angelairelan

    Answer by angelairelan at 8:36 PM on Nov. 8, 2009

  • angel...if i had a 17 yr old that had failing grades i would not be giving them money. I would gladly give them money if they had passing grades and try to help them to get a car. I would think your stepson would want to get a job so he could get a car and get out, but i would'nt allow a job if he could'nt keep grades up
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 8:42 PM on Nov. 8, 2009

  • I understand your frustration, but responsibility is taught early on in life, so these kind of problems are avoided. Throwing him out in this economy is running the risk of something worse happening, how about education? did he get one? that is another thing that should be emphasized early on. Does he have a place to go to? I am sorry don't beleive in this tough love thingy, kicking him out in this tough economy is cruel, are you better off not knowing about him? Isn't the wondering killing you?
    older

    Answer by older at 8:27 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Being the enabler is a tight wire act, on how to balance without falling into a trap. Keep in mind that some young men do take a litter longer to mature than others. Have the social friends that he had doesn't help any. He needs to respect your household.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:56 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Not with my child but with men... Good for you for putting him out! Good lesson from bird mamas... ain't gonna learn to fly unless you just shove them out and let them figure it out.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:41 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Sometimes a mom has to do what a mom has to do to teach the child responsibility. I think you did the right thing
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:47 PM on Nov. 12, 2009

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