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What can I do about this?

The story behind this is a little confusing and long so I will try to simplify it. My boyfriend of two and a half years refuses to come inside my house or talk to my mom because of a fight they got into about 5 months ago. He was living with us at the time and didnt like the rules, feels my mom is too strict, and didnt like that my mom didnt like his family. He also was pissed that my mom felt he needed to put our son and myself first. Not his parents. Well this led to a huge fight and he stormed out. He says he working on trying to talk to her but he wanted to let me know he did not want to do it. I told him he needs to do this for our relationship but he thinks that BS. I have no clue what to do. We went to a couples shrink and he even told my bf to talk to my mom and whats past is past. My bf still wont listen, it just "im working on it". Any advice?

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Jnc91

Asked by Jnc91 at 11:30 AM on Nov. 9, 2009 in Relationships

Level 8 (211 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I'd accept "I"m working on it" as a step in the right direction. Not much more you can do other than to respect his attempt. It may take time but mom needs to stay out of your business. I'm an older mom and I know to keep out my grown children's business.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:33 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Well first, since he was living with 'us' meaning your mom, then it doesn't matter what he thinks, it is her house/her rules and if he didn't like it, he could leave anytime. This is something he will just have to get over. Your mom was not in the wrong for putting the baby first then you second. His parents are adults and can fend for themselves. I would suggest that you not marry him (if that is in the future) until he comes around. If you are planning on a long life with him, it will be a hard life if he can't get over this. I woulnd't want someone who doesn't respect my mother as is bodes poorly for how he will eventually treat me.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 11:35 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Sounds like both of you have a lot of growing up to do. You're kids that were trying to play house in your mom's home and it didn't work. You complain that he puts his parents first, but sounds like your relationship with your mom is more important to you than your relationship with your BF.

    You either need to grow up, get out, and get married or break up and move on.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • He needs to really try. YOU will be miserable as long as this goes on. And your son will soon start to see it and it will effect him too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • and by the way we are young, were 18 and we had our son at 16. I do put my son first boyfriend second and thats what my mom says he should do the same. I care what she thinks because she has been so nice to let us stay and help out until we can get on our feet
    Jnc91

    Answer by Jnc91 at 11:38 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • This may sound harsh but I can tell you from personal experience a guy who puts his mommy and daddy first, is not a grown up. A man does not have to be told that you and the child the two of you have need to be the first concern he has. Your mother was not wrong and it doesn't sound to me like you put her first. If he actually cares about being a family with you and your child, he will get a job, if he doesn't already have one, and the three of you will move into your own place. It sounds to me like he wants to be mommy's lttle boy all his life. If anyone needs to butt out, it's his parents. They should not be meddling or demanding his time over you and your baby. No matter what a MIL tries to tell you, that is absolutely wrong. Believe me, you do not want to marry a mama's boy. It will only get worse.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:45 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • It sounds like he can't support you and your baby, no job or not enough income. You mother takes you in. Now he won't talk to her even though she is supporting his baby and the mother of his baby.

    He should get a job or go to school so he can support his family. He needs to go to counseling to adjust his attitudes.

    I'm working on it means I'm thinking about it? What is he going to do when he gets mad at you? Are you going to feel secure with this man or alwalys worry he will throw you out if you say something he doesn't like.

    I don't think someone that does what he has done is worth the risk unless he makes some major changes.
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 11:51 AM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • I would think he has a pretty severe character problem. He was living in someone else's home and he didn't like the rules. And with all the other things you said about him, it sounds very much like he wants to live the way he wants to live, and he doesn't want anybody objecting to it. This is not a person I would want in my life. Counseling does not change a person's character. He has to choose to want to be kind, loving, and caring about other people. Any man who is this much about himself I would toss out of my life.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:00 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • There are times you put whoever in the family needs it the most first and other family members should be mature enough to make things work out. I can give an example where I am the evil MIL.

    My 3 sons, 1 DIL and grandson were all living together in a new city until each of us found places we wanted to live.

    I have serious medical issues and my son is a cardiac nurse and EMT. I was going to be transfered by ambulance to another hospital that had some special equipment and he went with me. He has caught mistakes doctors have made twice before with me that would have killed me.

    He was gone longer then expected and he called and let her know. My DIL got upset because he was gone too long and the baby was fussy. Was that putting his mommy before his wife? Medical emergency vs. being gone a few hours and she had to take care of the baby by herself.
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 12:08 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • I think that it sounds as if you guys are really young, Your world has been turned upside down with having a baby at 16. He should have had some respect for you and your mom. He didn't, (which goes to being young and dumb) honestly ladies, we've all either been young and dumb or know someone who is! I don't think that you should do anything at this point. Focus on your baby, which it sounds as if you are. She is your first responsibility. Also, thank your mother for taking you in. He should do the same. It sounds to me as if he may not be ready for all this responsibility, and he is taking the easy way out by blaming it on your mom. He may grow up in time, and you may be able to work all of this out. He may not. Don't try to push the issue, it will probably make things work. Good Luck.
    mereinhart28

    Answer by mereinhart28 at 12:21 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

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