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mothering

who do i try to be a stepmom when grandma has step up and has been mom for the first 4 years of the childs life. now that i am going to be step mom in a few months how do i let the grandmother know that i am going to take on the mother role.

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coconee

Asked by coconee at 8:53 PM on Nov. 9, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • just dont be a bitch and try acting like you are queen bee and you will get respect...you cant take grandmas place. She has been there and you have'nt...you are the new person on the block and can maybe learn from her instead of trying to take over or over power her.
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:00 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • She may feel threatened. She has been the mom for four years. Here is a chance for you to learn her ideas about mothering, ask for her advice and see if what she says is something that you can live with. Don't try to rip the child away from her. She probably feels like his mother, and to abruptly announce that her opinion doesn't matter anymore would be cruel. Let her do what she is used to, and very slowly, very gradually, take over. For example when the child needs to go to the doctor, you do the driving and pay the bill, you offer to do the laundry, to clean the child's room, but gradually. Let her get used to it. It will be an extremely hard thing for her, if you treat her gently, she'll be grateful always.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:16 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • You don't, you just do.......There's no need to explain to Grandma how things are going to be. Just start treating the child as if he or she is your own. Do all of the things a mother would normally do for her child and eventually the roles will start to balance themselves out. Never give Grandma the impression you are trying to take her place and make sure she doesn't feel threatened by you. If you feel the need to talk to Grandma then just explain to her how much you love the child as your own and make sure she sees you acting that way. You may be surprised, she might even encourage the relationship and should be glad that her Grandchild will have you as a mother in his/her life.
    WindyTheWidow

    Answer by WindyTheWidow at 9:16 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • I think that is all up to your DH/SO. It would be like you telling the biomom, that you are taking her place. Just because she is the grandma she has been the mom for 4 years of that childs life.
    You can not just go up to the grandma and say " thanks for everything you have done, i will take it from here". Unless she is willing to do it that way.
    Sit down and talk to your SO about it. see what he is thinking about it.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 9:22 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Is the child living with you and your fiance? Then that will be done in time, as you and the child bond and do the day to day things. Ensure you don't step on Grandma's toes but encouraging her to join in some or all of the special moments with your step daughter. Let grandma spoil her, but you and Daddy set the rules and punishments and rewards. Grandparents are a wonderful thing, keep her involved, it takes a village to raise a child. If she over steps her bounds then talk to her with your hubby. This is going to be hard for her, be genital. There is a generational gap that you will fill and if you really listen to her even now, you are the one she will talk to about everything. Good luck this is going to be a huge adjustment for everybody be patient.

    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 9:43 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • I think you should talk to her and ask if how she feels about everything. She's been in the Mom role and I'm positive she loves the child as if she gave birth herself (just like a parent who adopts a child).
    Ease in to transition or the child will have a hard time as well. Don't push her out, she's been wonderful from the sound of it. Share the child as much as possible.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:42 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • I'm sorry...I totally agree with what Devillinpigtail said...but it was funny b/c she accidently put "be genital" instead of gental. I'm sorry...I'm very sleep and find odd things humorous. Anywho...you can't just "be mom" now. The child has to learn to trust and love you first. If you just take over, you will push the kids away, push grandma away and cause a whole mess of trouble. You just be a friend at first, let them both know you are not going to take anyone's place. Both child and g'ma need to know that. Then slowly, as you build that trust, start to speak up and take on more of a mothering role.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • annon it's gentle*
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

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