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A friend who can't get pregnant...and my annoyance with the situation...

I have a friend with PCOS. I feel for her, I really do. I do not pretend to know what longing for a child is like, and I wish her all the luck in the world. However...she finally went to see a doctor who said her insulin was WAY too high and put her on a special diet. She was pissed and ready to give up after ONE day. One! I encouraged her to keep going, blah blah blah. But she's just getting so annoying! She whines and whines the entire conversation, asks for my advice, and then gives me information hoping I'll change my opinion. Her husband will not stop smoking weed, thus hindering her fertility even more. Not to mention what it will do to the baby. She keeps moving ahead. She lists symptoms every single day hoping I"ll tell her she's pregnant. Then she whines for another half hour because she isn't. But they hardly have sex and she's done nothing I tell her will help! Every conversation is the same. Cont'd...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:21 PM on Nov. 9, 2009 in Trying to Conceive

Answers (12)
  • I wonder if she really even cares about having a baby? Or her own health for that matter. she has found a great friend in you, you put up with a lot!
    lovetwins89

    Answer by lovetwins89 at 9:23 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • OP- Her husband doesn't have sex with her while she thinks she's ovulating, he's very lackluster about the whole thing...won't go to Dr's appts now that she's getting herself checked out, won't help with her diet, and wont' stop with the drugs! So it's every day...whine white "hubby won't do this blah blah blah" whine whine "I'm F***** giving up on this whole thing". And then I have to find some way to give advice...which turns into her THEN taking up for him and trying to get me to change my mind. WTF? I'm sorry she can't have a baby right now, and I really want to be a good friend. I do! And I try very hard...but this is getting old in a real hurry. What can I do to be supportive while still letting her know that I think she needs to demand better for her husband and do the work it takes to get her issues fixed? Not just for baby, but because her health is at a real risk!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:25 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Being on a special diet is tough. It makes you cranky. I know from experience lol. And on top of it she has a crappy husband. She needs your support but you need to make it clear that if she's asking for advice then she needs to take it or you're going to stop giving it.

    Has she been charting her cycles at all? That would help a ton.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 9:30 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • She has not. AT all. I told her to try doing that...told her how to take the temps, read the mucus, learn her cycle...but she doesn't ovulate that often and when she does, she has a hell of a time getting hubby to do the deed. I also told her that until she talked to a doctor I wouldn't advise continuing to ttc because with all her hormonal issues, it could possibly lead to a miscarriage that could have been prevented. I'm just...ugh! She doesn't want me to just "listen"...she wants me to tell her what to do. So I try and do that...but then she says "I dunno. I'm just going to give up" or "I don't know what I"m doing". But come on...the internet is full of advice and so is her doctor. If you wanted to know how to track your ovulation, you could do it. So when she says my advice is "tooo haarddd" I just want to scream "WELL THEN SHUT UP ABOUT IT!" But she's a nice person...so I bite my tongue.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:53 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Sometimes the important part of being a friend is just listening without giving advice. It's hard I know, but it will go a long way.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:55 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • I try to do that...but then she's like "Help me! What do I do?" or asks a specific question...maybe from now on I'll just say "follow your heart....it will tell you the answer" or some other crap so she'll stop asking ME.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:01 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • Maybe you should just agree with her when she says she should give up. It doesn't sound like her DH wants a baby. That is a huge issue right there and if they both want such different things, it sounds like the relationship could just be going downhill.

    If it were my best friend, I would just tell her that may God or whatever she believes in, is trying to tell her something. That a child isn't supposed to come out of this relationship.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • OP-- I really want to say that actually. He occasionally throws temper tantrums. Once he slapped her. Once he ripped a door from the wall. I told her to leave. And when she asks, I tell her the same thing. He plays video games ALL DAY when he gets home, doesn't talk to her. He's not going to help with a baby. But then he'll give her a speech about how she's his life and everything blah blah blah and she gets all weepy and excited and stays and everything is just "fine". I honestly do not want her to have a baby right now. They can hardly pay for stuff as it is, he's lazy loser with no future and who has been abusive in the past. She says "well, he screams cuz I wake him up..." well hun, wtf is a baby gonna do? She doesn't want to hear that she should leave, give up for now and focus on HER and her goals...she wants to hear that he'll change, a baby is a good idea, and everything will be fine. Anything else, and she ignores me.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:24 PM on Nov. 9, 2009

  • When she starts in on it, just say to her - in a nice tone of voice - "You're my friend, and I love you. I know you want to be a mother. Being a parent is hard, because you have to put other people's needs and wants before your own. You have to give up a lot of things in your life, because your child and their well being is more important. I know you're struggling, but you're an intelligent woman, and you have been given the best medical and parenting advice possible regarding this. When you are truly ready for a baby, not just wanting one, then I have the utmost confidence in you that you will take the steps needed to have one. In the meantime, have you seen that new movie with.. - then change the subject!"

    She's probably going to get mad, but it sounds like it's something she needs to hear, and she will know that SHE has ownership of the situation, and you're tired of watching her wallow without trying to change it.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:20 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • By the way, if she doesn't get the message, or if she keeps trying to change the subject back to the "woe is me, I know what I have to do to have a baby, but since it's more than just spreading my legs occasionally for my abusive druggie dh, it's too hard for me to do it..." crap, then you just tell her - again, in a very nice tone - "I'm sorry. I'm your friend, and I love you, but because of that, it's very frustrating for me to talk to you about this. You know what you need to do to have a baby, and until you choose to do it or decide you don't want a baby afterall, then I'm afraid I can't talk to you about this. If and when you decide to follow the advice given to you, then I'll be there, supporting you every step of the way. In the meantime, for the sake of our friendship, I think we need to talk about something else, because I hate seeing you be self destructive against the very thing you want the most."
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:24 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

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