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How can I get my husband to change HIS attitude and behaviour towards his children?

My partner of 3 yrs has two kids ages 15 and 17. They live with their mum and visit us couple times a week. I have 3 kids aged 9, 10 and 17 We moved in together 6 mths ago and our relationship is slowing deteriorating. We argue constantly over his kids. They always got away with murder. I discussed it with him many times and pointed out that when we moved in together we would have joint house rules that ALL the kids would be expected to abide by. It never materialised. His kids do not have to abide by the house rules. Its not the kids that are at fault its their DAD. He refuses to tell them off because they don't live with us!?! If I do it he says its because I dislike them and I'm trying to push them away. Its not true! They are good kids but totally taking control of our house and loving it. Its the same arguments after every visit. How can I get him to stop being a push over and take control?

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Nephtari

Asked by Nephtari at 5:14 AM on Nov. 10, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (7)
  • Truth is, you really can't. He'll do whatever he wants to. But I'd be damned if I sat around and let them take over my house... tell him to buck up and do his job. Start staying in a hotel when they visit, mabey then he'll see.
    Gremlyn

    Answer by Gremlyn at 5:48 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I have the same issue. And I hate to say it but I agree with gremlyn, he probably won't change. The good thing is they are 15 &17 only a few more years to go. Is your husband home when they visit? If so, start taking your kids out and leaving him to deal with them. You can still sleep at your house just try to distance yourself from them. When you have to deal with his kids let them know what YOU expect from them in YOUR home. I would try not to argue with your husband about it (just let him deal with them) because the more you argue about it the more defensive he will become and the kids usually know whats happening and they WILL take even more advantage of the situation.
    sue118

    Answer by sue118 at 7:11 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • So YOU told HIM what he was going to do with HIS kids when the two of you moved in together?

    I'm sorry, but you will just have to keep trying to talk to him and come to a compromise. They're not your kids, you really don't have any authority.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:24 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • Would like to say to Anonymous that I didn't tell him what to do with his children we decided what was reasonable behaviour he just doesn't apply it to HIS kids. I think I do have authority when they are in MY home. You think I should stand back and allow my partner to order my children to eat at the dining room table yet allow his own eat in front of the TV??? You have totally misunderstood my question.
    Nephtari

    Answer by Nephtari at 10:09 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • " I discussed it with him many times and pointed out that when we moved in together we would have joint house rules that ALL the kids would be expected to abide by. It never materialised. "

    Right there you say that YOU pointed out when you lived together there would be joint house rules.

    You call him your husband in one sentence, say you moved in together in another, and yet again only call him your "partner".

    Your "partner" doesn't have any authority over your kids unless you let him have it. He has obviously NOT given you authority over his kids. There seems to be a lot to work on in this relationship. Based on what you've written, there doesn't seem to be much of a partnership.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:41 AM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • wow, anonymous....are you in a situation like nephtari? You seem to be attacking her and twisting what she is trying to say which says to me you have no idea what you are talking about and are not in a situation even remotely close to this.
    sue118

    Answer by sue118 at 4:35 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • Anonymous

    My situation goes further than this box will let me explain. Married for 2 years but only lived together for 6 mths. My husband/ partner/lover had a very hard time getting along with my 20 yr old DD and her DH who were living with me. We got married he kept his house and we lived between two houses. My DD and her DH moved out, rather than move into my house or his. WE thought it would be better to start a fresh and get a house that was OURS. The kids couldn't say to him or me 'This is my dad's/mom's house"

    This was a JOINT decision. We BOTH wanted a standard of behaviour from ALL the kids. Hence the 'HOUSE RULES' to which ANY family member or visitor with any respect would uphold, except it appears his kids.

    I do not understand how you say I have no authority over someone in my house? Following your logic I guess you just let everyone who visits you do as they please.

    PARTY ROUND ANONS HOUSE!!!!!!
    Nephtari

    Answer by Nephtari at 5:37 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

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