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What do you do when you love someone who has more problems than you can help them with?

My daughters father and I broke up in January 2009, and havent really spoken since. I miss him like crazy and really want to restart a friendship with him. I decided that I was going to reach out to his family as a sideways way of reconnecting with him. Last saturday, I found out that he is in jail on a felony assault charge. He has been there since 9/27/09. It really breaks my heart, but I cant explain why. I dont know how to handle this emotionally. He hasnt really done anything for our daughter, yet I still love him and want to work things out with him. Its a matter of my head against my heart and I dont know what to do.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:10 PM on Nov. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (4)
  • You can love someone without having to be with them. As a mother and it sounds like you're also the only parent your daughter has you have to think about what's best for your daughter.
    What's best for your daughter? There's know way I can tell you that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:19 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I agree with PP and want to add: are you sure you in love with HIM or the memory of him? Many times when things aren't great in our lives, we look back and wish for things to be "the way they used to be". The trouble with that is that we tend to only remember what we want to remember. There is a reason he's your ex and the fact that he's in jail shows the heartbreak you missed by making him your ex.
    companygoddess

    Answer by companygoddess at 2:36 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I would urge you to examine the feelings you have to figure out what is really going on. I have loved many "defective" people in my lifetime. I can love all people unconditionally if I choose, but I only want to be in a relationship with a person who is mature: considers the feelings of others, takes responsibility for himself, thinks about consequences of his actions. Of course you care about the person who helped you bring life into the world, but if you want a relationship with someone, it is only a healthy relationship when you have a partner who is capable of working toward common goals and does not need to be rescued from himself. You need to take care of you and your baby. He needs to take care of him and your baby. He's not doing either. Try to get real about who this person is and is not. Demand better for yourself and your child.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 3:11 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I'm sorry to say that this guy seems like he has no redeeming qualities. In the time you have been apart not only has he not worked on himself or trying to get back together with you, he was up to no good and is in jail on a felony charge. It's hard but I think you need to cut him loose for good. By your own admission he never did anything for your daughter and you two didn't speak for the better part of the year. That really does not speak to him being an adult or even a good father. You and your daughter will be much better off without him and you are free to meet the man who will love you and your daughter the way you both should be loved.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:45 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

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