Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Is this an ok "plan" for potential divorce?

My husband has been verbally abusive since a couple months into our marriage, and I got pregnant 3 months into marriage. He will call me names, tell me he wishes we'd gotten and anulment, etc. No hitting etc, though all abuse is wrong, I know.
He makes excuses like he's so tired, hates his job etc. Doesn't change anything.
We are trying to afford counseling. He feels terrible after treating me so poorly. BUT he just seems to stop trying again after a couple of days.
I love him... but I don't feel in love anymore b/c of this. I would get a divorce now, but I feel like God would want to to try.
So whether or not we get counseling, I'm giving him a year to improve A LOT or I will leave with our son. I don't know how to tell him this b/c his reaction will be, "FINE! Just leave now!" big huge reaction, etc. I only feel comfortable telling him with a counselor. I think he should know. What do you think, esp. Christian moms.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:50 PM on Nov. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Do you have a pastor? A good pastor should offer marriage and personal counselling at no charge. Is this an option for you?

    Answer by MamaChamp at 3:52 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • i think if you dont fee ok talking to your husband theres somthing wrong there.. hes supossed to be the one you can tell anything to your best friend.. not somone who brings you down.. i think that its not a good thing for your son to be around hell think its ok and when he grows up do that in his relastionships... i think if you want to give him a year thats a lil long give him six months.. and while hes working on hisself... you should find a family members house to stay at if you can or somwhere to go till he can change his actions.. you dont need to put yourself threw that anylonger..

    Answer by mrm1787 at 3:54 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • YOu guys should try everything before throwing the towel in, then if things don't change leave!

    Answer by MommaRox4683 at 3:58 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I think abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. If he's not willing to put in the effort to stop his abusive behaviors that does not mean that you are obligated to put up with it. Abusers can not change without professional help. Abuse always escalates without professional help. You are putting yourself and your son in danger by staying. You are your son's first and most important teacher. Do you want to teach him that abuse in any form is okay?
    I have been in a similar situation (but before I met my current husband and had my son) and I know it's hard to leave and you want to try to make it work but in the end, it's up to him to do the work and if he's not willing, then you need to get out of that relationship for your own safety and well being.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:59 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • God would NOT want you abused in any way. I stayed in an abusive relationship for years bc of God. Then I heard that staying in a bad relationship cheats God out of getting you with the man HE has chosen for you. God didn't chose the abusive guy for you. Stay if you want but if you want God to bless the union get with the man God wants you to be with

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:02 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I'm not sure I would give it a year. I would give it a week to see if he can start changing. I'm not saying, leave at the end of the week, but see if it is starting to approve. Talk to him about what is going on and see if there is anything you can do to help? or things he could do to calm down before coming home. My hubby gets all stressed when he has to print out his jobs (self employeed), so I take about 5 minutes to print them out and get them ready for him. I don't go out of my way, but it helps a little. He knows I fly off the handle if I wake up too early (he's an early bird), so he lets me sleep in until 7:30, and he gets the kids awake and dressed.

    Also trying audio taping the arguments. I had a friend do this with her hubby, then play it back when he calmed down. He never realized how he sounded when he was mad, that helped them. Good luck....but you can't change unless you both know about it and try.

    Answer by 54313MomOf4Boys at 4:04 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • Verbal abuse is still abuse. I would start socking away any money that you can, Five dollars her and there, so that if he doesn't improve you can have some money that you can use to get on with your life. Don't let him know about it.
    If somehow he does change for the better...woopie, you can use the money for something else for the family.
    I would demand he goes to counseling, the emotional scares from verbal abuse can be debilitating to ones self esteem. Just remember that you ARE worth more than that, and you deserve better.

    Answer by Nathskitten at 4:04 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • As Dr. Phil would say "you have to clean up all unfinished business". Emotionally and physically then if things haven't change "you have every right to leave"..........

    Hang in there and try some cancelling!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:05 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

  • I agree with most of these ladies in getting out of the situation. Even if you have not decided divorce is the answer yet, leaving and staying with a good friend and/or relative or having him leave while he gets counselling is pretty much essential. I have a friend who was verbally abused as well. She left her house on Christmas day with her two young daughters and just a few bags of essentials. She had family but stayed at a shelter instead. She thought her marriage was over. During the time she was away she was being set up with a new home, education and childcare. But then God worked on his heart, mind and soul and she was able to go back. He continued the offered abuse classes for several months and they are better than ever. I can even give you her email if you want.
    But the point is, getting out is a great idea because it sometimes leaves physical "space" for God to work in.

    Answer by MamaChamp at 5:39 PM on Nov. 10, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Relationships
advice needed...