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Is it fair?

Is it fair to paint a picture of potential adoptive parents in a horribly negative light using assumptions, not facts, as a way to convince someone not to go through with an adoption? An expectant mom was asking for input on a potential adoptive couple, and a response post suggested that just because they were wealthy it should be assumed that the mom was bulemic and the father was an alcoholic. Now, is using these tactics not just another form of coercion (which adoption agencies and adoptive parents are slammed for on here all the time)?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:46 AM on Nov. 11, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (84)
  • it doesnt matter if they have some flaws,everyone does,, who knows mabe a baby would changer there lives for the best.

    Answer by angelairelan at 9:31 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I don't see what you talking about. Bulemic/alcoholic? Was the question posted here?

    No, of course, it would be unfair to assume such things w/o facts. Scare tactics shouldn't be used in ANY adoption towards anyone. But researching and being realistic, and not believing that PAP's "walk on water" is just as important as not believing that they are the "scum of the earth". No one can categorize PAP's as ALL bad or ALL good. But it's not a "group decision" either. It's the emom's decision (if DIA) and she needs to do as much homework as she can before she places. Hope this helps.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:32 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Why would anyone give their baby to someone to "make their life better" and get rid of their flaws??? RIDICULOUS! To the original question, The poster in the group wasn't trying to coerce the mother, she was just bringing up some possibilities. The mother seems to have this "perfect" family in her mind that does not exist. All families have problems, and choosing someone based on their wealth is not a good idea. Not when that is what they are flaunting. She needs to see that love and honesty are what matters. She also needs to understand that once she gives up her baby, all bets are off. All promises made are up to the integrity of the couple. Many here have admitted that they said whatever they had to to get the baby. She needs to know that. She wants a very open adoption. She needs to know that many of us were promised that, and were later lied to. Too many mothers come back, later, heartbroken, shocked, that it closed.

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 9:42 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Doodle, the post she is talking about is on BM's. This is an ongoing thing this week of about 4 posts. I'll PM you.

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 9:45 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Is it fair to assume that those particular people or any adoptive parents in general are immune to the hazards of life just because the adopt a child? To pick someone based on their outward "perfection" & the idyllic idea of what the child's life will be like based on what they own, where they work, & what size their house is..well...that's putting all your eggs in one basket! Sure they can provide material goods the bmom might not be able to but is that a good enough reason to choose them? Is THAT the DECIDING factor? Yeah I admit it was harsh way to present it but its also realistic. You cant assume the people you pick off a slick website are PERFECT. Of course they are putting their best face forward. They want someone elses baby.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Interesting you have to come here & post an anon. question. Obviously you are in the group. If you dont like a post in the group why not discuss it there?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • She is not a birth mom. She is a expectant mother. Just to clarify. thanks.

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 11:16 AM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I am not the OP, I am not in the group.

    The group is open (dont have to be a member to view) and I read it because it is so interesting to get the real truth of many of the women who post on here.
    I unfortunately have lost respect for quite a few after realizing how manipulating and bullying they can be in that forum (so God knows what they are saying privately).

    In this particular example the woman challenged many of the lies that they told her (so was told she was in denial), they INVENTED statistics that dont exist (like that 40% of all bmoms are infertile after placing), they invented "syndromes" which they know has no medical backing, on and on,

    Basically are trying to guilt her into not placing, doing ALL that they accuse Amoms of.

    It is repulsive and at least this woman is on to them... I have LOL'd at when she has called out much of what they say as hearsay or complete nonsence. Thankfully.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:13 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Still...she is in search of perfection where it does not exist...adoption is never the perfect matter how good it goes, there's still the separation of a child from its mother & its mother being replaced with another. She has stated she has a nanny herself for her current child..a nanny..not a mere babysitter so it stands to reason she herself is not in dire circumstances in finances yet she seeks a family of rich people to raise her baby. The whole thing is very interesting to site back & watch as its played out here & there. She wants an open adoption yet was hesitant to back out on a couple who expressed they might not be able to follow through for her. She is free to leave this site & do what she will. Nobody is forcing her to stay & listen. Everyone here is but a stranger to the next..why would you base a life altering choice on their opinions alone?

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:12 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • No it is not fair to make assumptions about prospective adoptive parents. It's not fair to assume because they are well off, healthy, and married that they will always remain so and "be perfect parents." They could be wonderful parents, or, they could get sick, divorce, go bankrupt, develop addictions, they could even be abusive. The point is chosing adoptive parents is a crap shoot. You never know what you're going to get.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:13 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

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