• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Am I being unreasonable asking our grown children to "plan" their Christmas visit?

My husband and I have four children; three are grown with families of their own and one is still at home. For the last few years the older children have come home for Christmas when it was convenient for them and none of them at the same time. This resulted in the holiday stretching out for two weeks and none of the grown children seeing each other.

This year, I requested (8 weeks in advance), that everyone come home at the same time. Two of the three have said they will try and the third hasn't responded to my request. Am I being unreasonable asking this of our children?

Answer Question
 
Dyndudes

Asked by Dyndudes at 12:16 PM on Nov. 11, 2009 in Holidays

Level 11 (626 Credits)
Answers (26)
  • No! It sounds like they take advantage of you. I have planned our visits with my family and my in-laws since we first got married so everyone knows when we will be there. I live 5 minutes from my in-laws and 20 from my mom but we still plan it so I can have time with my family and see my sisters who don't live near by. This also allows my in-laws to plan things for themselves since dh is an only child. If your children don't want to come during the time you have set aside then I think you have the right to cancel their visit or schedule it when it will be good for you. They need to respect the fact that you too have a life. Good luck!
    BusyBeesmom

    Answer by BusyBeesmom at 12:22 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • That is quite possibly the most reasonable thing I have ever heard of.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 12:24 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I don't think its totally unreasonable but you have to take into account schedules and such. I have two sisters and we all try really hard to get home at the same time for Christmas but some years it just doesn't work. My husband and I live the furthest away and we come when we come, usually for 5 days. This year DH got Christmas off and last year too, but the previous two years it was the week after that he got. one of my BIL's almost always has to work the day after Christmas and/or Christmas eve. So they usually come up the weekend before or after, and my other BIL is very attached to his family for Christmas, and they are 10 min away where as my folks are 2 hours away from my sister. In the last three years we have managed to all be at my parents once at the same time, and once at my sisters at the same time, there was also a Christmas we couldn't afford to go visit.
    auroura

    Answer by auroura at 12:24 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it may be more difficult to get them to comply since they are used to coming as they please. If your grown children are sons, I would ask the wives since they might better understand. My husband's family knows they have to contact me directly regarding family events because planning in advance does not come naturally for him. Also, maybe your kids are still trying to nail down details with their in-laws families. Maybe you could tell them we are having Christmas at our house on X, and then make your own plans for days other than that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Not at all.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Yes, only because they have families of their own and in-laws to satisfy also. Traveling with families can be a real hassle, also setting up work/school schedules as well.

    Beside what is really wrong in spending quality time with each one of them separately?
    If they all wanted to spend time with the other siblings’ they would have made that effort.

    What is really the reason other than spreading the visits in two weeks? Is it putting you out of something?

    Just be happy that they are visiting you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:38 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • How about you and hubby going to one of your kids houses and everyone else gathering there too?
    My husband and I traveled with our three kids for years. My inlaws had sons no daughters, several, and they knew with all spread throughout the country that work and travel conditions and over time grandchildren's health and behavior could affect time. They cooked when they wanted to and we all reheated delicious food in the microwave and gathered with whoever was there until we each had to leave.

    Soon our time will come that some kids schedules and partners will require more looseness on our part. We'll cook and let'em heat it up if they're not at the table with us. We work hard to celebrate the spirit of the holidays and less on the day of the holiday.

    You as a mom deserve to be nurtured yourself. Give yourself a gift and go to one of your kids for some holidays -if they don't have room then stay at a hotel. Enjoy THEM!!
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 12:44 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • What is really the reason other than spreading the visits in two weeks? Is it putting you out of something?


    The #1 reason is I like having all the kids there at the same time once in awhile.  We see them seperately many times throughout the year.    Having to plan for three separate dinners with all the extras can be exhausting, especially when they let me know two days before that they are coming.  Also, I have a full time job that requires my attention at year end and I can't just take off when I want.  Last year one son called at noon on Thursday saying they would be there that evening, previously he hadn't planned to be there until Friday evening.

    Dyndudes

    Answer by Dyndudes at 12:47 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • How about you and hubby going to one of your kids houses and everyone else gathering there too?


    Great idea!  Except two of the kids are newly married and still live in "newly married" houses and the third lives the furthest away from all of us.  Our house is somewhat centrally located.  Oh, and in order for this to happen the daughter-in-law would have to issue an invitiation to all the family.

    Dyndudes

    Answer by Dyndudes at 12:51 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I don't think you're being unreasonable. After all, it's your house, and you need to be able to plan things.
    Bethsunshine

    Answer by Bethsunshine at 1:36 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.