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how can i explain to my 10 yr old daughter that she is the big sister!!

i need to find a way to explain to my daughter that she is the oldest and needs to look out for her 4 yr old brother. I dont know if she is jelouse of him since he does get a lot of attention like i mentioned on my profile, he is a 4 yr old who was born with malformation to his left leg a syndrome called Parks Weber, she complaines that we dont love her, but just a s daimyan my son she gets everthing she wants. She is been difficult at times. I dont know what to tell her anymore to reasure her that we love her.

pls help me i need some light here!!!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:56 PM on Nov. 11, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • Maybe take her on a special "girl's day out" and explain to her that you do love her but she is also a big sister.

    Answer by justluvinmyson at 3:00 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Don't place the responsibility of watching her younger brother on her. My parents did that - I was the oldest and whenever we were playing I was told that I was responsible. So the result was that I didn't play, I babysat the younger children, since it was my "responsibility." On the other hand, if you can get her to volunteer from time to time- say when you need to make a phone call you can say that you are worried and would she mind watching him for 10 minutes- this might make her feel grown up and appreciated. Be sure to praise her not only to her face but at the dinner table to the family. Do things with her that big girls enjoy - take her shopping by herself without the other child, or have lunch with her by herself.

    Answer by Bmat at 3:02 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Realize that she is still a child and needs just as much attention and affection as her 4 year old brother does. Also don't put the responsibility of caring for him on her unless she wants to help. Be sure you do as the first response said and make special time for her. Take her on a girls day out.

    Answer by AngeLnChainZ at 3:04 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Sometimes it's more important that you SHOW her that you love her than it is for you to tell her. Remember: Actions speak louder than words. Make some special time to spend with her without her brother (even if she is being a pain). you can take her out for lunch, shopping, or a movie and leave brother with dad or a sitter. Also, when she does things that are unselfish or helpful be sure you tell her how much you appreciate it. This probably won't result in a complete turn around, but it always surprises me how much better my older child's attitude is after I make an effort to spend time alone with her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:04 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • My parents were leaving me with the 4 younger ones over night by the time I was 13. Like Bmat, I didn't play...I was "responsible" so if one of them younger kids messed up or broke something, guess who was in trouble?

    I don't think it's fair that an older child should be responsible for the younger one...but to look out for the younger's well being is another matter. I agree with the first person...take her out on her own sometimes. She needs some special time all to herself with mama or daddy too.

    Answer by SterlingLegend at 3:06 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Wow! I don't think you should tell her that she has to look out for her brother. I think that is what has caused the problems and why she says she thinks you don't love her.

    I have 3 sons. All three have a rare genetic immune deficency disease called CVID. There is only a 64% 20 year survival rate. The 2 oldest are 3 years apart.

    The youngest is 5 years younger & from my second marriage. He was born premature and had developmental delays and his IQ is 80.

    I was also diagnosed with CVID. My leg was paralyzed during the birth & I couldn't walk. My husband filed for divorce the day after the baby is born.

    I never let anyone tell my older boys they had to take care of me or 'look out for' their youngest brother. If someone said something like that I would say that was my job. I don't think older sibs should have that responsibility put on them, they should take it themselves if they want, or not if they don't.


    Answer by Gailll at 3:15 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Wow, this made me feel not alone anymore. My ss is almost 4 and is CRAZY jealous over my 11month old. DH and I just got married almost 5 months ago and its obviously been harder on SS than I thought. He copies everything "the baby" does. From crawling (which tayton -baby-walks now) to the sounds he makes. We already have a speech problem with Caleb, so this worries me that it will hinder him further. I know they're different ages but so far I remind Caleb that he's the big boy and that the baby will learn how to be a big boy by watching him. So maybe something more age appropriate for the 10 yr old like that might work? Also make sure you are able to have time alone with your daughter so she knows you still care. O and ds has a problem with his left arm as well but caused by an amniotic band. But I think right now ss just is trying to figure out how to share his dad and house! GL to you!

    Answer by AmandaN1 at 3:21 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • That is good that you talk to her. Praise her well when she does something nice for your son. Maybe you can put your son to bed and just spend an extra 10 minutes with her and tell her you are rewarding her for doing sweet things with him and getting along. Sometimes I sneak my daughter in the kitchen and give her a lollipop and say...."This is for being the best sissy in the world."

    I only have had to do this twice with my dd. I told her that I love and treat them exactly the way I treated her when she was at that age. Then I joked and said "Oh. You wanna be treated like a baby? Babies take naps. Babies dont get sleepovers and _____(whatever we did that week"
    LOL She changed her tune a little. Then I reminded her Ilove you all the same.

    Answer by 3gigglemonsters at 3:53 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • Sounds like she feels unappreciated and neglected. I would encourage her by noticing when she is helping and watching out for her brother.  Tell her.   Also make time for Daughter time. Time that is all about her, one on one time with one or both of you. I bet if you did this in a week or so she would be helping out more and back to her usual self.


    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 4:09 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

  • I personally would give her more one on one time with you. You admitted that your son gets more attention, so she may feel that she is ignored and neglected. By telling her that you love her and not showing it through actions won't prove it to her. Give her some one on one time with you and show her that she does mean as much to you as her brother.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 6:16 PM on Nov. 11, 2009

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